He pushed me on mother's day

[Itsmeagain2]

Here I am again. Today's push was because we was arguing all weekend over him lying about his financial situation to me for years and now debt collectors are involved. Things escalated and i said I was going to take his console. Petty I know but I was fuming. He then proceeded to run up behind me and instead of taking his console away pushed me down. Luckily the sofa was near me and I fell onto it. Our 2 year old was watching.

Spent the whole of mother's day crying! This time it was my fault for going for his console, what else was he meant to do. Last time it was because I angered him. The time before that it was because I took his phone off him since he likes to go on it when I'm talking to him about serious matters to purposefully ignore and annoy me. Either way its all my fault.

I know I should leave. I'm validating his actions just as much as he justifies them by staying.

I don't love him anymore. I don't like him anymore. He cried afterwards and said he hasnt been himself since the stress of money. He said he will get help. I've heard this all before. I don't think he truly believes he has a problem.

why can't I leave. What's wrong with me? It's like I'm purposefully tormenting myself by staying in my own misery. Misery is all I know. My dad used to hit me too. All the men in my life has abused me whether it's sexually or physically. It must just be me.

It’s not you. It’s the men….they hone in on vulnerable women and broken women and so to you it looks like all you attack is men who hit. But in reality they look for you. Does this make sense?

so you need to heal if you leave before you meet anyone else otherwise the cycle keeps going (again NOT YOUR FAULT).

Marry him?. Madness, you need help. Try Women's Aid.

Your poor little boy.

I agree with this, abusive men do seek out vulnerable women.

HOWEVER when I first read your post I thought you were talking about an abusive teen hitting their mum on Mother’s Day - it’s quite odd to confiscate another adult’s phone or console because they’ve been naughty.

Abusive relationships can make you act in odd ways that you would never normally do, just because the abuser drives you to desperation. Maybe you felt confiscating his phone was the only way to get him to listen to you. I am not making any judgement as the whole relationship is clearly toxic. But don’t take this behaviour into other relationships - it’s pretty controlling, and if you posted on here that your DP was confiscating your belongings you’d be told to LTB immediately.

He will escalate and hurt your child. I understand your predicament. I’ve been there. Put some essentials in a bag, grasp your little person by the hand and leave. It will be Hell on earth for a while. But it will improve. Go anywhere safe. Even a shop. But leave immediately.

You're thinking of marrying him? Oh fuck me. He should never lay a finger on you and I can't believe you think marrying him and staying because it's better then leaving, is a good choice.

My mum and dad used to batter each other and my dad ended up in prison so no, it's not always better for you or the kids to stay just because that's how a proper family works.

Pack a bad and leave -but I think you know you should because you started this thread probably knowing what most of the answers would be.

You are scared of change. That’s normal but it’s affecting your thinking.

please contact Womens Aid or a similar local agency and they will help you. It’s actually abusive to bring up a child in an abusive home so you do need to recognise that and get help.

Will it be easy? No, not in the short term but longer term your lives will be so, so much better.

Stop taking things off him, he’s not a child he’s a grown up. A grown up who is making choices to stay in debt, and have destructive / violent behaviour.
Stop seeing him as a child … and see him as an adult, then make the adult choice to leave. You can’t, and won’t, change him by taking his “toys” off him

Breaking it down "all men have abused me" and " he is all I've known". So all men is actually one man that you've had a relationship with. That's catastrophising because you are scared. One is not a pattern, but his behaviour is and why it keeps happening is because you are letting him. It's not about you, he would do it to anyone, it's just that anyone else would of left by now and you haven't.
What are you afraid of - loss of friends? If they were real friends their friendship would not depend on you being with your partner, so it's no loss really. Afraid of not having another DC - great, tie yourself harder to the misery ( instead, imagine a happy life with someone else, no drama and another DC with someone supportive). Not getting married- to him that would make you responsible for his debt which becomes family debt. His family must be great if prepared to live with them for the rest of their lives - doesn't look like he will ever afford to move out.
There aren't any benefits to stYing, just never having your own friends on your own terms and never living independently from what I can see.
Your fears are keeping you there because they are bigger than the reaction you are having to what he does. You have under- reacted to his abuse possibly because of prior abuse from others so have got used to it. People who haven't suffered abuse start from zero tolerance to it, maybe giving one chance depending on circumstance, but 2 strikes and out should be the minimum.

A nuclear family? Yes it would be nuclear but in a different and not good way. He is not going to give you the lovely cosy family life that you want and deserve. He’s abusive and you dont love him…? Why would you consider marriage ? You are worth more than that and isnt your child?

Please get some legal advice - please make a plan to move on. What do you think a 2 year old makes of seeing you being pushed? Don’t let your DC see worse things. You have options please see that.

Yes I took his phone so that he would listen to me. Its childish I know but so is him deliberately going on his phone to ignore me in the middle of a conversation. We had couples counselling and our counsellor called him out on this when I said it triggered me so he knows perfectly well not to. Not only is it immature its disrespectful.

I do recognise we have gotten into a toxic cycle though and despite the counselling and break up/make ups nothing seems to break the cycle or his pattern of behaviour.

My parents didn't get divorced. I know how much it sucks and hurts to live in a nuclear family where the two parents hate each other. Believe me, your daughter will be happier with a happy mother.

You can do it online for a very few quid OP -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

My dad used to hit me too. All the men in my life has abused me whether it's sexually or physically. It must just be me.
It's not you, it's them.
The only part you play in this is the unfortunate one of having your boundaries erased as a child. Predatory & abusive men will recognise this, & hone in on you - www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Lundy Bancroft explains how it IS NOT YOU -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

You need to get free, which Womens Aid will support you with, then remain single for at least a year while you recover from this abusive relationship & start to understand how to erect & maintain boundaries -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

why can't I leave. What's wrong with me?
Because leaving is hard, the psychological dynamics of abuse are complex, & people whose self-esteem has been ground down by years of abuse find it difficult to put themselves & their own needs first.
There is nothing wrong with you, you are experiencing perfectly normal responses to your situation.

PP will handhold while you break down the steps needed to set yourself free.
You just need to plod very slowly on with each step, protecting yourself as you do so. Do NOT tell him you are planning to leave -
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

There is a whole new life waiting for you beyond this shit of a man OP.
Believe it - daydream it - spend time actively visualising it.
Imagine the luxury of being mistress of your own home, with no abusive arsehole in it just waiting for the next time to kick off.
Imagine the peace & security you can build for you & DC.

Why would you marry your abuser?

Why?

All that will happen if you try to force a feeling of family with this twat is that your child will witness even more abuse.

She will suffer a similar childhood to your own ... her perceptions of normality & boundaries will be erased, & she will grow up to be preyed on by abusive men too.

You don't need a man in your life right now. Certainly not this one, & for at least a year or 2 after leaving, not another one.

You will not recognise yourself once you have left & are settled & secure.
Your strength & happiness will increase amazingly.
Give yourself freedom, & healing time.

So I’ve never said this before but…..
THE VIPERS OF MUMSNET FORBID YOU TO MARRY HIM!
OP, this will all be 50 times worse if you marry him. His debt will be your problem and he will KNOW that and treat you worse than he already does, knowing you’re trapped.
It’s fantastic that you’ve got a job. What would you need to get a flat on your own with space for your child? Time to find out about benefit entitlements and subsidized childcare.

Sorry, you don't like him or love him(understandably so) but you would consider marrying him and bringing another child I'mto this mess?

You need the freedom programme like a fish needs water.

nothing seems to break the cycle or his pattern of behaviour

Why are you giving his behaviour any power? Walk away from it. He can behave how he likes: you don't have to be there.

His pattern of behaviour is his responsibility. Your pattern of behaviour is your responsibility. He is not changing his pattern, and the situation stays the same, but that negates your power. You can change your pattern. You have a pattern of putting up with abuse and allowing relationships to continue. You do this because as a child, you had no choice, and it's what you became familiar with.

You have a choice now.

I wish people wouldn't guess at things on here, and ultimately give the wrong advice.

There is NO SUCH THING as marital debt in the UK. Any debts in his sole name, have absolutely no bearing on you, whether you are married or not. A creditor can only pursue the debtor for repayment, or a guarantor if there is one. A creditor CANNOT pursue a debtors wife.

For reference, I am a retired Bank Manager and I spent 20 years in Debt Recovery.

Is it better to do the freedom course online or in person?

From StepChange. (www.stepchange.org/debt-info/weddings-and-getting-married.aspx#:~:text=If%20you%20get%20married%2C%20you,'joint%20and%20several%20liability'.)

'Will I inherit my partner’s debt if we get married?

You’re liable for any debts in your own name only, but not for any debts only in your partner’s name. If you get married, you won’t be responsible for any credit agreements or financial obligations that your partner had beforehand.
If, however, you take out a joint loan or a mortgage or open up a bank account together, you’ll both be liable for these debts. This is called 'joint and several liability’. Residents of England and Wales are also jointly liable for any council tax debt they may owe on their property, regardless of which one of you actually pays the bill or not. Joint debts taken out by unmarried couples work in the same way.'

What's best for you? What do you like best? What do you have access to?