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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this bad... it feels bad

45 replies

lightandshade · 20/03/2023 03:50

I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic so need some clarity.

DH has always been abit of the love bomb type, clingy doesn't like it if I go out but doesn't stop me .... it has been getting more full on lately which is maybe a issue in and of it's self. Today I was leaving to go visit my sister for an hour and his face just went dead pan and said "if you ever leave me, I will kill you" i tried to make a joke....and he reiterated again same face to.

When I got home, I told him that's not something to say. How it made me feel ect and he said he was joking but there is something in me that just didn't let it sit right...

It's now 4am and I'm still up thinking about it

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 20/03/2023 03:51

Uhhh that’s absolutely hideous. No, OP, not good at all.

Thepossibility · 20/03/2023 03:52

That's really chilling.

juliettesmother · 20/03/2023 03:54

Nope. I don't think he understands what a joke is.

CheekyHobson · 20/03/2023 04:01

I would 100 percent be making a secret plan to leave as soon as possible and would be consulting with the police on how to best protect my safety before and after separation. That’s absolutely horrifying.

Advancedpie · 20/03/2023 04:15

F me, make plans and leave him! And tell the police too. What normal mentally healthy man would say something so hideous as that?

SimoneSimone · 20/03/2023 04:50

The graveyards are full of spouses who were killed by their significant other. See it in the news all the time. You've been given a warning, best take some sort of action.

dudsville · 20/03/2023 05:05

Listen to that awful man and run.

discobrain · 20/03/2023 05:06

This is how women are killed by violent men alllllll the time. We do not want to see you as the focus of a new true crime series in netflix.

Please make a plan to leave.

Mumma · 20/03/2023 05:07

If this is keeping with his sense of humour?

discobrain · 20/03/2023 05:11

Mumma · 20/03/2023 05:07

If this is keeping with his sense of humour?

It's a shit sense of humour if it is

Mumma · 20/03/2023 05:30

discobrain · 20/03/2023 05:11

It's a shit sense of humour if it is

Show quote history

But still... if he makes dark jokes i would say its fair to say its a joke... if he doesnt and its totally out of character then its more concerning.

Surely we have all said something along the lines of 'omg im gonna kill you if you carry on!' In humour... looks worse written down.

TooMuchCoffeee · 20/03/2023 05:37

Mumma · 20/03/2023 05:30

But still... if he makes dark jokes i would say its fair to say its a joke... if he doesnt and its totally out of character then its more concerning.

Surely we have all said something along the lines of 'omg im gonna kill you if you carry on!' In humour... looks worse written down.

Show quote history

I think a wife and husband know each other well enough to know 1) whether it's a terrible joke, and 2) whether there was something off about his tone/expression combined with his words.

It's made her feel uneasy, and tbh I wouldn't be able to go back to how things were before. It's something that can't be unsaid and her reaction can't be unfelt.

This is one of those moments where she'll look back after it's escalated and say, 'I saw all the red flags, why did I ignore them?!'

Don't ignore them OP. Your gut instinct is a very powerful thing, and clearly his clingy possessiveness has been an underlying issue for a while. Because he doesn't explicitly stop you going out, you've let it slide and he feels comfortable making not-so-veiled threats now.

Out of interest, and you don't have to answer, what would he do if he suspected you of cheating? Follow you? Track your phone/car? Cameras around the house?

MN can be prone to overreacting but in your situation I would feel sick and trapped.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 05:47

It's a pretty weird 'joke' to make out of the blue, even if he was 'joking'. It feels quite sinister.

MissMaple82 · 20/03/2023 05:59

Hes abusive. This is coercive control

MrsRickAstley · 20/03/2023 06:24

Aren't jokes meant to be funny ?!?!

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 20/03/2023 06:27

This is not love bombing

This is abusive coercive control and seems to be escalating

Please make plans to leave asap , make all of your family and the police aware of his actions

Put a stop to this before it's too late

supercali77 · 20/03/2023 06:46

No I don't think you're being dramatic. The old 'it was a joke' when he didn't crack a smile at the time...he wasn't joking he just knows it wasn't OK to say it.

Can you leave easily?

Zanatdy · 20/03/2023 06:48

We don’t know what your relationship is like otherwise but I agree that this is chilling. Be careful OP

Bogeyes · 20/03/2023 06:50

That's scarey. Make your plans to leave

Figgy90 · 20/03/2023 06:53

I’d be really concerned, especially if he’s always been a clingy love-bomby type. And even more so if it’s actually made you feel so uneasy that you’re up thinking about it…

BabsDylan · 20/03/2023 06:55

What a horrific thing to say,no wonder you can’t stop thinking about it.

I agree with all previous posters. For your own safety you need to leave (you need fo be very careful).

I imagine there’s more to this than he doesn’t like you going out (which in itself is totally wrong).

Mumsnet will be a good resource/sounding board to help you but make sure he doesn’t see your postings here.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 20/03/2023 06:57

Sounds like now is a very good time to sit down and have a serious conversation with him

Tell him how his statement yesterday was scary and abusive
His controlling behaviour is getting worse and as a result he needs to go and speak to someone about it, statements like this and control have no part in a relationship and will eventual result in you leaving.

Dery · 20/03/2023 07:00

And that sounds like a very short visit to your sister. Would you normally just visit for an hour or is that a result of him wearing you down? He thinks he owns you.

discobrain · 20/03/2023 07:58

Mumma · 20/03/2023 05:30

But still... if he makes dark jokes i would say its fair to say its a joke... if he doesnt and its totally out of character then its more concerning.

Surely we have all said something along the lines of 'omg im gonna kill you if you carry on!' In humour... looks worse written down.

Show quote history

it's NOT funny and shouldn't be joked about.

SunflowerTed · 20/03/2023 08:00

lightandshade · 20/03/2023 03:50

I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic so need some clarity.

DH has always been abit of the love bomb type, clingy doesn't like it if I go out but doesn't stop me .... it has been getting more full on lately which is maybe a issue in and of it's self. Today I was leaving to go visit my sister for an hour and his face just went dead pan and said "if you ever leave me, I will kill you" i tried to make a joke....and he reiterated again same face to.

When I got home, I told him that's not something to say. How it made me feel ect and he said he was joking but there is something in me that just didn't let it sit right...

It's now 4am and I'm still up thinking about it

Very very worrying. Red flags all over this

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