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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this bad... it feels bad

45 replies

lightandshade · 20/03/2023 03:50

I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic so need some clarity.

DH has always been abit of the love bomb type, clingy doesn't like it if I go out but doesn't stop me .... it has been getting more full on lately which is maybe a issue in and of it's self. Today I was leaving to go visit my sister for an hour and his face just went dead pan and said "if you ever leave me, I will kill you" i tried to make a joke....and he reiterated again same face to.

When I got home, I told him that's not something to say. How it made me feel ect and he said he was joking but there is something in me that just didn't let it sit right...

It's now 4am and I'm still up thinking about it

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 20/03/2023 08:02

He said it like that to scare you. He wants you to be frightened.

He is not a partner. He is an abuser. Whether or not he's physically violent and could do this in practice, he knows the power of his words. He chose them deliberately.

Please make careful plans to leave and, as others have said, inform police of your plans so you are protected when you do.

Original poster

lightandshade · 20/03/2023 08:08

Thanks everyone, I really needed to know I was right in feeling how I was!

It feels so bizarre because from the outside looking in he seems like a very attentive DH but on the inside I feel smothered!

Exit plans were already creeping up due to the overbearingness, but this has definitely give me a kick up the butt

Thanks, I do appreciate it

OP posts:

callthataspade · 20/03/2023 08:14

Do you have someone you can confide in?

I think you need some real life support and frankly someone to document what is happening.

His behaviour is far from normal. Take care

usedtobeasizeten · 20/03/2023 08:15

Please take care and make sure people around you know what’s going on.

Alcemeg · 20/03/2023 08:17

Does he often say that he was only joking, after upsetting you?

Do you often find yourself wondering what he really meant, or is this just a one-off?

Saying things that are designed to unsettle you, and then undermining your response by claiming it's a joke... these are classic tactics of a controlling/abusive relationship.

DustyLee123 · 20/03/2023 08:20

Please tell someone you trust what he has said.
Coercive control and a threat to kill is very serious. If you ever feel frightened, call 999. I hope you have a plan to leave.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 09:36

He sounds terrifying. He’s not joking. I’m glad you’ve got an exit plan. I’d recommend secretly lodging this threat with the police as if anything happens in the future, they’re more likely to act/take it seriously. Tell someone else about what’s been said, how he is and what you’re planning. Also, gather any evidence you might need.

TheDogthatDug · 20/03/2023 09:41

GTFO as soon as you can. Make sure he doesn't get wind of your plans. Any children involved?

Opaljewel · 20/03/2023 09:41

Make sure he has no access to your mumsnet! Log out and in each time.

balconylife · 20/03/2023 09:45

No coming back from that. It's coersive control, and it's insidious the way it creeps and takes away your power. You know this, so trust your gut and don't delay - get out as soon as you possibly can. Good luck.

JamSandle · 20/03/2023 09:47

He sounds dangerous

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:48

You really need to log this with the police, it could be that he's been violent to a partner in the past and/or he will actually carry out his threat.

Make sure multiple people in your friends and family circle know what he's said and get out as soon as possible.

ZeppelinTits · 20/03/2023 09:51

I think you should log this with the police and so when you do leave him and he kicks off or does anything remotely sinister, it will be on record that he's said this and they will take it seriously. Please be careful. Leaving a man like this is the most dangerous time.

Marineboy67 · 20/03/2023 09:52

Umm that's definitely time to chuck that fish back over the side. Coercion if I ever heard it. My daughters husband used to say this to her. 3 years after she left him the horrible fuckers still alive and looking after number one. Insecure, narcissistic, controlling all spring to mind...get rid

rainbowstardrops · 20/03/2023 09:53

Bloody hell. That would scare me.

thefactsarefriendly · 20/03/2023 09:54

Get out.

JamSandle · 20/03/2023 09:55

Also it feels bad because your gut is warning you.

MyriadOfTravels · 20/03/2023 09:58

Exit plans were already creeping up due to the overbearingness,

Here we go.
He knows, but a feeling at least that you have enough. This means you need to be VERY careful.
Does he have access to your phone/computer and see your posts here?

Miriam101 · 20/03/2023 10:00

Just echoing what a PP said: make sure he can't read what you write on here, or your messages/email etc. Be very careful. And LEAVE.

TempNCforthis · 20/03/2023 10:08

That is incredibly scary. Do you have children together? Do you own your own house together?

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