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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help leaving AP

26 replies

Aussette · 19/03/2023 22:28

I remember there was a support thread for people going no contact with their affair partners

i can’t for the life of me find it and could do with help out of this mess 😩

Thankyou in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 07:38

Anyone?

OP posts:
Twosticksandstring · 20/03/2023 07:48

Just do it - delete and block numbers, block email addresses, draw a big black line beneath past foolishness and start living the rest of your life.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 07:52

Depends if you need to keep it a secret from your DH/DW.
If you don't then just go NC, but if you’re trying to hide it there’s a chance they’ll reach out to your partner if you just go cold.

Not offering sympathy (as cheating is horrible and never justified) but just a realistic view - the same happened to an ex best friend of mine and his affair partner blew his marriage up when he went NC.

firstmummy2019 · 20/03/2023 07:53

Best thing to do is to google 'Affair destroyed my life' and see the aftermaths. It will soon put the fear into you. The shame, disappointment, the regret etc

Ladybugzrock · 20/03/2023 07:57

Surviving infidelity - wayward forum….

They’re a hard bunch but they know their stuff. Post there.

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 09:11

Thankyou I’ll have a look

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 09:13

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 07:52

Depends if you need to keep it a secret from your DH/DW.
If you don't then just go NC, but if you’re trying to hide it there’s a chance they’ll reach out to your partner if you just go cold.

Not offering sympathy (as cheating is horrible and never justified) but just a realistic view - the same happened to an ex best friend of mine and his affair partner blew his marriage up when he went NC.

AP is the married one, not me.

but I think he worries about this so keeps contacting… which makes it harder for me to disappear

OP posts:
dollypartin · 20/03/2023 09:17

Just tell him you'll never contact him or his family and ask him to stop contacting you. Then block on everything and stick to it

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 10:10

I have reassured this.

i just feel so awful and used and cheap.
i was hoping to find people in similar situations to support through it, I know I can block him but it’s the aftermath I need help with

OP posts:
Twizbe · 20/03/2023 10:18

As you're not the married one, know you've not done anything wrong.

Tell him you want it to end, you've no interest in contacting him, his family etc and then block all contact.

Walk away and heal.

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 10:42

I would love to agree but I have met his wife and knew that when we started talking

the affair was never physical - just messages
I kept him at arms length but he continuously drew me in until I admitted feelings and now has suggested we stop because it’s ‘too serious’

it was only a couple of weeks long but I am left feeling awful whilst he continues his wonderful life with his wife …!

OP posts:
Time40 · 20/03/2023 10:50

Honestly OP, if all you have done is message some guy for a fortnight, you haven't really had an affair (I know three-quarters of Mumsnet will disagree with me). Just stop messaging him, and it's over and done with.

Twizbe · 20/03/2023 10:52

You still have done nothing wrong.
YOU aren't in a relationship
YOU aren't engaging the affections of another
YOU are not crossing boundaries
HE is doing all these things. YOU aren't forcing him to engage with you. To message you or to be unfaithful.

He doesn't have a perfect life, if he did he wouldn't be considering cheating on his wife.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2023 11:03

What aftermath ?

It’s a couple of weeks stupidity. You are single. Block and move on

It’s really very simple, if you want it to be

ZekeZeke · 20/03/2023 13:01

You are being overly dramatic.

It's not an affair.

It's emotional if anything. Stop messaging him, block him and get on with your life.

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 14:41

Thank you ladies

I needed some tough love and to pull myself together! It was longer than two weeks (else I really wouldn’t have given it much thought!)

but I needed some reminders - sometimes it just helps to hear someone else say it

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 15:25

Aussette · 20/03/2023 10:42

I would love to agree but I have met his wife and knew that when we started talking

the affair was never physical - just messages
I kept him at arms length but he continuously drew me in until I admitted feelings and now has suggested we stop because it’s ‘too serious’

it was only a couple of weeks long but I am left feeling awful whilst he continues his wonderful life with his wife …!

How the fuck is it a wonderful life with his wife when he has emotional affairs and she presumably knows nothing about it?

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 15:26

the affair was never physical - just messages
I kept him at arms length

Good - cause then you'd really know the meaning of feeling used and cheap.

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 16:18

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 15:26

the affair was never physical - just messages
I kept him at arms length

Good - cause then you'd really know the meaning of feeling used and cheap.

Are you speaking from experience there @LooseGoose22 ?

OP posts:
musicalgymball · 20/03/2023 16:29

If he refuses to leave alone how about saying he needs to stop or you'll tell his wife in order to make it stop. That should put a sock in it.

Oopsiedaisyy · 20/03/2023 18:39

I was in the same situation a few years ago, you need need to block, delete numbers, do anything you can to stop yourself from keeping the messages happening. Find someone and something else to do with your time

Original poster
Aussette · 20/03/2023 19:16

Thankyou

he messaged me tonight and I said I think it’s best if we don’t message in the evening.

he said ‘ok’ and I haven’t heard anything since.

have now blocked and trying to stay busy but hard to stop my mind drifting!

OP posts:
Wellitjustgetsworse · 20/03/2023 20:22

This is what affairs do. You knew he had a partner. Don't get why people are saying you've done no wrong here...

Sure you aren't married to his wife but to go on about how hard it is when if his wife found out it wouldn't be anything in comparison. What you had was a bit of limerence it's based on ego and fantasy.

It will pass and in a few months times you'll just feel a bit silly. Sorry for the tough love just depressing as I've been on the other end of this exact situation and seems to be so common thing for women on here.
It just wouldn't happen if sure men were better but if women didn't go for unavailable men.

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 20:59

Aussette · 20/03/2023 16:18

Are you speaking from experience there @LooseGoose22 ?

Show quote history

Not really.

It's just obvious.

Oxytocin is a bitch.

RadioactiveWear · 20/03/2023 21:10

I've managed to get to 53 and been able to control my emotions. I've never once gone down a road with a man who was married. I respect other people and myself too much for that, and I am a great believer in karma. I don't court drama.

I think you need to get over yourself to be honest. You sound OTT about something that is not even an affair. No married man would get past calling me up. He would have been shut down in the first call.

Oh and by the way, you are doing something wrong. You are shitting on his wife (and kids?)

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