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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Came F2F with AP 16 years on

43 replies

Pebbles16 · 19/03/2023 20:37

Apologies in advance because I am very tired and don't know how long I will be online tonight.
So as background, husband had an affair 16 years ago. We worked through it but it has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. However, I love him to bits. PLUS I am very menopausal and 'not on an even emotional keel' at the moment.
Last night, we went to a party for DH's friend. I had a bit too much to drink. Thing is that the AP was there. Not sure if it was an oversight by the host or she had forgotten. I spent an hour or so in blissful ignorance and then realised who she was. Just went into myself (and probably had an extra glass of wine or so).
Husband showed no reaction last night. This morning he was moaning at me for drinking too much. Finally I spoke to him after dinner about how uncomfortable I felt and he has:

  • asked if that was an excuse for me drinking too much
  • asked me why I came at all
I didn't exactly cover myself in glory, but I was so shocked and now am dealing with a husband who is deflecting all the blame. And BTW, before you all say LTB and he's still having an affair, I will not be doing the former and he is certainly not doing the latter.
OP posts:
feelinglikeanewparent · 19/03/2023 21:27

What is it you're asking OP?

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/03/2023 21:36

It sounds like you are very angry with your dh, but you’re not prepared to do anything about his behaviour. Your choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 21:43

Was there a scene at the party? It’s not clear how you didn’t cover yourself in glory and if he’s right to be annoyed by you getting very drunk.

You decided to stay with him, it’s been 16 years, he didn’t invite her to the party, it doesn’t sound like he spoke to her.

It might have been a bit awkward but either you’ve put it behind you or you haven’t and you can’t keep blaming him if the benefits of staying with him were/are enough for you.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 21:44

asked if that was an excuse for me drinking too much

asked me why I came at all

Well that's not just deflecting blame, it's an outright attack.
Asking why you attended is plain nasty.

And BTW, before you all say LTB and he's still having an affair, I will not be doing the former and he is certainly not doing the latter.

He doesn't have to be still having an affair to be a nasty bastard.
So if you don't leave him, your only choice is to tolerate living with his nastiness. Because he clearly doesn;t give a sht about your feelings, or accepting his own culpability.i

Annabananna1 · 19/03/2023 21:47

So what actually happened? How did you act at the party once you realised

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 22:05

What a horrible situation for you to be in. And horrible too to realise that your husband doesn't have your back.

category12 · 19/03/2023 22:06

Depressing that 16 years on, it's still a big, triggering issue in the marriage. This is why I tend to think splitting up is better.

I can sort of understand him being pissy with you because, from one perspective, is this woman and the affair going to have this power over your relationship for the rest of your lives? I mean, it's his fault but it's over a decade later.

I'm not unsympathetic, honestly, I stayed with my ex after an affair so I know how painful it is.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 07:34

I think you’re husband sounds like an arrogant, insensitive twat, but you don’t want to hear that. So I’m not really sure what to say.

LoekMa · 20/03/2023 07:48

Pebbles16 · 19/03/2023 20:37

Apologies in advance because I am very tired and don't know how long I will be online tonight.
So as background, husband had an affair 16 years ago. We worked through it but it has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. However, I love him to bits. PLUS I am very menopausal and 'not on an even emotional keel' at the moment.
Last night, we went to a party for DH's friend. I had a bit too much to drink. Thing is that the AP was there. Not sure if it was an oversight by the host or she had forgotten. I spent an hour or so in blissful ignorance and then realised who she was. Just went into myself (and probably had an extra glass of wine or so).
Husband showed no reaction last night. This morning he was moaning at me for drinking too much. Finally I spoke to him after dinner about how uncomfortable I felt and he has:

  • asked if that was an excuse for me drinking too much
  • asked me why I came at all
I didn't exactly cover myself in glory, but I was so shocked and now am dealing with a husband who is deflecting all the blame. And BTW, before you all say LTB and he's still having an affair, I will not be doing the former and he is certainly not doing the latter.

I will not be doing the former and he is certainly not doing the latter.

Mkay😉

Sunnygirl07 · 20/03/2023 07:57

Why would anyone ever drink too much and lose control over themselves?

In this case, I would be a bigger & better person and ignore AF.

Sunnygirl07 · 20/03/2023 07:58

You won him, you have saved your marriage, she lost. So - no problem.

LilLilLi · 20/03/2023 07:59

Sunnygirl07 · 20/03/2023 07:58

You won him, you have saved your marriage, she lost. So - no problem.

He’s hardly a prize is he?

millymollymoomoo · 20/03/2023 07:59

so what was he actually doing ?
what did you do ?

tbh I’d be pissed off if my partner drank too much, lost control and made a fool out of themselves for whatever reason at a party, and thus was 16 years ago and you decided to stay with him and move on

what did he actually do around this woman at the party ?

Sunnygirl07 · 20/03/2023 08:01

Move on & don't dwell on it.

Not every husband (person) is sensitive & nicey-nicey. My DH is a similar type (honest & reliable because we communicate well about everything) but he is Great help & support when I really need him.

gettingoldisshit · 20/03/2023 08:17

Your DH is a twat! He should have realised why you were upset/ drinking to much and taken you home! It doesn't matter that it was 16 years ago, it was a shock for you to see her and it triggered you! I probably would have reacted in the same way! Tell him to fuck off with his judgmental attitude because if he hadn't been a lying sleazy cretin in the first place then you wouldn't have acted that way!

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 20/03/2023 08:53

Sunnygirl07 · 20/03/2023 08:01

Move on & don't dwell on it.

Not every husband (person) is sensitive & nicey-nicey. My DH is a similar type (honest & reliable because we communicate well about everything) but he is Great help & support when I really need him.

Thank you. In the clear light of day, I know that's what I need to do

OP posts:
Suetcrust · 20/03/2023 08:58

“Why would anyone ever drink too much and lose control over themselves?

In this case, I would be a bigger & better person and ignore AF.”

This!
She’s probably had a laugh or scorn at your behaviour. I hope you can move on with your partner.

Ihaveoflate · 20/03/2023 09:02

I can completely relate and understand why your husband's reaction would upset you.

I would definitely expect my husband to have a bit more empathy (we are currently reconciling after his affair last year), no matter how many years had passed.

Did he ever show complete remorse? Or did he rug-sweep at the time?

I'm just thinking that maybe your reconciliation wasn't as complete as it could have been, which is why you were so triggered by her (although tbf I can't imagine ever getting to a position where my husband's AP didn't bother me at all).

Theunamedcat · 20/03/2023 09:15

So you "went into yourself" and probably had an extra drink? How is that "not covering yourself in glory"? When I see that phrase, I assume you were doing the macarana half-naked on a chair not sitting with a face on getting drunk

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 09:20

You won him

Cheaters and people who blame their spouses for their natural reactions (which sound very muted to me) to encountering the woman they fucked behind her back at a social occasion .... Are not prizes.

As for "why did you go"?

You didn't know she was going to be there.

Strong logic.

Is he dumb as well as a cheater and an insensitive bastard.

Wonder how he'd act in the reverse circumstances...... He wouldn't be in reverse circumstances.... Because that is the dynamic of your relationship. He acts like shit, you moan but take it.

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 09:22

Not every husband (person) is sensitive & nicey-nicey. My DH is a similar type (honest & reliable because we communicate well about everything) but he is Great help & support when I really need him.

Has he fucked other women behind your back too?

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 09:23

honest & reliable

But op's husband, by default, is not honest or reliable; so the

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 09:23

.... rest of the character comparison is irrelevant.

LooseGoose22 · 20/03/2023 09:27

sensitive & nicey-nicey

When you've had the extreme luck to get forgiven and kept after cheating on your wife m, even if it is a relatively long time ago .... You better be sensitive and "nicey nicey" when she's faced with your affair partner for the first time in a social situation..... Or at the very very least, understanding, diplomatic and non critical. He was none of those things.

NurseCranesRolodex · 20/03/2023 09:31

Sounds rubbish but your OH and the AP are the ones who should feel embarrassed. Unless you threw caution to the wind and had a loud, public go at the AP for the the affair I wouldn't worry. Most people would be surprised you stayed restrained. Stop beating yourself up and take a look at your OH, who sounds devoid of empathy or emotional intelligence.

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