Came F2F with AP 16 years on

[Pebbles16]

Apologies in advance because I am very tired and don't know how long I will be online tonight.
So as background, husband had an affair 16 years ago. We worked through it but it has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. However, I love him to bits. PLUS I am very menopausal and 'not on an even emotional keel' at the moment.
Last night, we went to a party for DH's friend. I had a bit too much to drink. Thing is that the AP was there. Not sure if it was an oversight by the host or she had forgotten. I spent an hour or so in blissful ignorance and then realised who she was. Just went into myself (and probably had an extra glass of wine or so).
Husband showed no reaction last night. This morning he was moaning at me for drinking too much. Finally I spoke to him after dinner about how uncomfortable I felt and he has:

• asked if that was an excuse for me drinking too much
• asked me why I came at all

I didn't exactly cover myself in glory, but I was so shocked and now am dealing with a husband who is deflecting all the blame. And BTW, before you all say LTB and he's still having an affair, I will not be doing the former and he is certainly not doing the latter.

A "decent" person (he's not one but anyway) would have asked op discretely if she wanted to go.

And said something along the lines of "sorry, you had to encounter her with no warning or preparation like that, I had no idea Syed be there" etc.

Op's dh was attacking her instead.

And her behaviour was very low key indeed compared to what I've heard about similar situations..

In short, he was cnt he's still a cnt, no surprise. If you're so decided to stick to him like glue as you've indicated; you better get the skin of a rhino.

This is why taking them back never really works, IMO. If you’re going to get past it, you have to genuinely be able to forgive and forget. He’s right in a way, it can’t go on forever.

I wouldn’t be able to do this, I’d bring it up at every argument.

You’ve not ‘won’ him either, and the chances are she’s long forgotten about him, and now gets to be slightly bemused that she’s still had an effect on you.

Think about what you want. If you’re going to put up, that’s your choice.

And he sounds like a douche

Not every husband (person) is sensitive & nicey-nicey. My DH is a similar type (honest & reliable because we communicate well about everything) but he is Great help & support when I really need him.

jfc your bar is low. The OPs SH is not honest or reliable nor is he any sort of support when she really needs him. In fact when she really needs him, he is insulting, unkind and selfish.

This....If he had an ounce of integrity this should have been the way forward. Make your excuses, put your wife first and leave. Remaining at the party just shows the level of contempt reminiscent of when the affair took place....selfish

Why are you settling for dregs?

This is your life now.

Is he really worth it ?

A couple of weeks ago I was at an event when I saw someone who had treated me very badly many years ago.

I didn’t want to spend any time around them and didn’t want to cause drama so I quietly slipped out, texting the people I’d attended with that I was leaving as this person was there.

without missing a beat they met me outside, grabbed a taxi with me and we went somewhere else got a bottle of champagne and toasted the lucky escape from the awful
person.

that is what friends do. DHs should do at least as well.

It's slightly more complex than that as the DH here is half of the awful people, so something supposedly forgiven and moved on from is still biting him in the arse 16 years later.

I mean, I never succeeded in moving on from my ex's infidelity (but then he never really stopped so I'll never know if I could have 😂)

I mean, if two people had treated you very badly in the same incident, you wouldn't leave an event because of one and go off with the other, would you? It makes it very clear that it's still an issue.

Which I sympathise with the OP about - but does it ever end?

but does it ever end?

That kind of implies ops been referring to or affected by his infidelity on a regular basis for 16 years ..... But there's nothing to suggest that.

This, if I understand correctly, was the first time meeting his affair partner since the affair. And op was not aware she would be there.

So it's an exceptional, first time etc incident - that op reacted naturally to, and that her charming h should have been more sensitive about.

In fact it's not even just insensitivity, it's more like attacking/being nasty.

And the "why did yo go then?" when she didn't even know the woman would be there ..... Like wtaf, is he mental?

so something supposedly forgiven and moved on from is still biting him in the arse 16 years later.

The poor dear.

Well that's what happens when you fuck around and your spouse comes face to face with the woman you fucked behind her back for the first time, even if it's years later.

This is the shit involved in staying with cheaters who should have been kicked out on their skeezy, nasty arses.

Thank you, that made me laugh. No I did not do anything quite so mad. It certainly would have been a talking point... I was very much. of the "please ground swallow me up" mindset!

When our towns ex mayor cheated on his wife, left her, and got taken back, she specialised in hanging over, dancing with, and flirting with other men, and getting shit faced at every social event they attended together for months, possibly years. While he got to cringe into his drink and help her home ...... You sound tremendously muted.

You were in a shit situation, entirely of his making, even if it was years later ... His response was below crappy.

I don't know why you're so determined to stay with him, he's nasty.

You are spot on... we have actually spoken a bit more today about our feelings and admitted that neither of us covered ourselves in glory.
I really thought I had moved past it all, but seeing her face to face was an absolute shock. He was surprised too and went into defensive mode.
He has apologised.
I know some people have an absolute red line when it comes to infidelity and I always thought I was that person too, but sometimes things aren't quite so clear cut.
Thank you all for your thoughts.
And yes @AnyFucker he really is. I know that sounds glib, but we are an awesome team (just not when there's a curve ball that takes us back to a bad place)

Does that not make you fucking angry? 16 years on you can be made to feel like that because of his appalling behaviour? And he hasn't even got the good grace to apologise that you had to go through that, he has a go at you instead? You should be so fucking angry. You even excused yourself here before explaining. None of this is your fault, look what he's done to you.

admitted that neither of us covered ourselves in glory.

You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't act wrongly in any way.

I'm not sure why you're co-taking responsibility for not "covering ourselves in glory".

The background situation, a very significant one, was not of your making; it was his.

And your behaviour was not in any way bad or wrong. His, however, was.

Do you usually take responsibility for shit that isn't your responsibility and where you haven't done anything wrong?

I agree.

This is severe mistreatment with more "minor" mistreatment when confronted (by circumstances, not by op) with his wrongdoing years later ....yet we have op taking responsibility equally or nearly so here.

He picked the right woman.

And that's no dig at you, op. Just anger on your behalf.

It did. But I really have forgiven him - it took a lot of work.
Thank you for your kindness.
Honestly, I am a very kick arse woman. I think we were both blind-sided. The fact that he reacted so defensively/angrily upset me hugely. He has apologised today that he reacted that way. He has said he was scared about what might happen.
And to those of you saying that having more drinks and getting tipsy (I was not drunk), I wish I had your reserve.