How to prevent a narcissist husband to alienate your DC from you?

[Mars27]

Just looking for answers, recommendations, tips, advice, any useful information as the thread title says, my husband is a narcissist through and through and is succeeding in alienating my only child from me.

I watched nearly all Dr Ramani's videos but I need something more specific on how to deal with the situation above.

The only reason I'm still married is because if I said I wanted a divorce, he would drag me through the courts trying to get custody and no doubt he would succeed as he can afford expensive legal advice and I can't. Also, he would take advantage of the situation and use it to complete his mission of turning my DS's head against me. If I stay married at least I can keep an eye on the things he's being told. It's parental alienation pure and simple.

Please help. Thanks

How old is dc?

No tips for following to see if anyone else has. I have divorced my husband who had narcissistic traits and DS now utterly worships him and is constantly rude and arsey with me. Including today. Sigh.

13

I'm so sorry this happened to you, solidarity ☹️

This is what I'm trying to prevent. I'm going to try anything and everything to avoid my son completely turning against me. If it all fails, at least I'll know I have tried. The problem is I need to know what and how to do it. This is the key info missing.

I've already resigned myself that I have to stay married at least when my son is 18 and/or leaves for uni. It's only this way I can be aware of what's going on. I already take DS to sports twice a week and the only time they spent on their own is when he takes to DS to a third sport which they do it together.

However, another issue is when he tries to bait me in front of DS: if I try to defend myself the argument will escalate and DS will join in and takes his dad's side; if I stay quiet and don't say anything, DS will believe the bollocks his dad's saying. It's literally being between a rock and a hard place. If anyone, someone has strategies on how deal with this I'll be forever grateful

Oh I ran away in terror, I never returned. I hope my DS would follow. He never did it broke my heart but I never regretted going

In hat why is he alienating your son? What is being said?

Have you had conversations with your son on what a narcissist is?

If you leave then at least your kids won't be around him all the time. They'll have some headspace to think for themselves

I know that worry of 'what will he say about me if I leave?' and how it keeps us staying, it's all part of hiss plan .

He's going to slag you off either way.
The best thing you can do is get away. Give your children one safe home where cannot fuck with your heads.

Yes when he I'd with them, he may talk shit. But when they come home to you, you can all sit and debrief and you can set things straight and explain the manipulation. You wouldn't be able to do that whilst living with him. Because you have to keep pedaling the narrative that things are fine.

As for 'taking your children' well, he can't. Kids aren't 'taken' away from a parent unless there's extreme circumstances. Divorce doesn't count. Even if he is pissy about it. So, don't buy into the bs notion that the kids would be taken.

Also, I'm betting he doesn't do much of the childcare? So realistically, he isn't going to want them around that much.

Do yourself and your kids a favor and get this shitshow over with. Otherwise they'll grow up thinking this is a normal household and go on to date abusers themselves.

At 13 your son will be able to choose who he spends time with so don’t put off divorcing this arsehole, your son won’t thank you for it, trust me. Living in a happy home should be priority

Do not do it to yourself and do not stay for the sake of children. It simply doesn't work and you will do untold damage to your mental health by staying in this relationship. There are no techniques for staying in a relationship with a man like this.

I echo the calls that you leave. Part of your role as parent is to model having boundaries and self-respect. I would imagine your son will see through your husband eventually.

Basically (not to make it really long), he provokes fights and twists everything making it's all my fault, classic narcissistic trait.

Today it started because I asked him to go downstairs to the gas meter to enter the top up code manually because the top up didn't register and I was afraid we would be without heating and hot water. I usually do this myself but this week I hurt my finger badly (accidentally shaved part of it on HIS razor blade in the shower) spent the night at A&E to wait stop bleeding and I'm sorry I didn't want to go downstairs in the middle of a filthy bush, open the lid and see lots of spider and creepy crawlies with my finger all bandaged up. He then started why couldn't I go, it's just one finger, he has dyslexia and it's very difficult for him poor guy to read the code and put it into the meter, etc.

He also made me cry only two days after my cataract surgery. That kind of thing, very typical of him.

In terms of talking to my son I have to be really careful with what I say as in no way I can even mention his name as my son completely idolises him.

So on your example neither of you wanted to do a bit of a Grim job but he's the bad guy?

@Pinkbonbon he doesn't do anything to my son, his problem is with me.

I know taking a kid from their mum is very difficult but it happens. He would use my mental health against me as I suffered really bad peri natal and post natal depression. Till this day he takes great pleasure in saying "I didn't do much after DS was born".

I work in a mental health team and I can see how divorce can fuck up a kids head when parents are at war, kids become a ping pong ball between them. I know because I came from a situation like that and the last thing I want is a situation like that for my son. He already suffers from anxiety and is on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD. If I say I want a divorce he's going to say I'm making my son's health worse, it's all my fault, etc.

I can put up with this shit as I grey rock a lot, it's the thought that he's turning my son's head against me that kills me

It's nothing like that and if that's your hot take on my situation please don't even bother to reply again

Excuse me, like I said, if you have nothing of value to contribute please leave the thread.

You can't actually tell me what to do.

But you keep responding and building that bigger picture

@Mars27 it doesn't work like that, @Lefteyetwitch has a point. Going only on what you posted a the time of there comment it really didn't seem like a big deal.
You happily minimised his dyslexia (so yes putting the code in is a ball-ache for him, that is the nature of dyslexia) but you having a sore finger (why is it relevant that you cut it on his razor?) meant you couldn't deal with creepy crawlies 🙄
I am going to assume that there is a lot more to it than what you have currently posted otherwise he doesn't seem to have done Anything really wrong.

I don't have a "sore finger". I accidentally shaved a great deal of my finger off and had to spend around 8 hours at A&E to wait for my finger to stop bleeding, that's a lot more than a sore finger. My hand is all bandaged up and I can't do a lot with it atm.

I don't minimise his dyslexia, he uses it all the time as a weapon. I wouldn't have asked him to go downstairs if we weren't about to run out of gas.

Did you miss the part that he made me cry two days after my cataract surgery? Or the bit that he is currently alienating my child from me? Or, when he takes pleasure in saying "I didn't do much" after the birth of my son due to PND? Do you want more info? Like when he threatened to take him away from me as a baby if "I didnt get my shit together"? Or when he denied having an affair with a colleague 20 years younger than me and I just couldn't prove it as he deleted texts right after texting her? Is that enough? Because if not I could spend all night filling pages and pages but I don't think anyone wants that.

OP, you're not coming across well on this thread. You have the experience from your work to know how to step back and have a cool head, I suggest you use it.

I don’t think your examples are helping.

Are you currently experiencing poor mental health?

He IS abusing your son though op. Because he is abusing his mother. And, because he is setting a horrible example for how men treat women. Would you want your to to grow up to abuse women? Or, to be the one abused by his partner because he thinks that's how relationships are?

Sorry, but it's child abuse.

Divorces suck, but he's 13, he'll be fine.

You need to get out. And you need to have a serious chat ASAP with your boy along the lines of 'I know you love your dad. But he doesn't treat me right so I'm leaving him. Theres no excuse for abuse and I wont tolerate it. Neither should you. I want to be a strong person who sets healthy examples for you'.

Otherwise do you know what will happen?
He'll start abusing you too. Because it's all he knows. And he knows you'll tolerate it.

As a mother your job is to lead by example.
Choose healthy relationships. Leave bad ones.

I left a twenty year DV marriage. It took me twenty years to leave as I knew if I left I’d lose my DC so hung it out……But one day it was too dangerous to stay so I left. I was homeless so couldn’t take the DC (then 13&15) he was never abusive to them.

three years on and I speak to my youngest most days via video chat but haven’t spoken to eldest in 3yrs.

I don’t regret leaving as Ive since met the kindest and most supportive man BUT I do regret leaving my DC.

I miss them everyday and barely cope x

Also, do you understand how hurtful it is for an adult to recognise that their mother stayed in an abusive relationship 'for them' ? That's a burden you carry in your heart for life. You wish you could go back and encourage her to leave. Even IF you loved your dad then, in time you see what he did to her and it makes you sick.

He's a child. He isn't responsible for your poor life choices. Potentially, staying with this man is what he will judge you for in future. At best because he resents you blaming him for it at worst, because his father started to abuse him.

You're actually staying now because you're scared of your 13 year olds judgement. Which is ridiculous. Because he's 13 rn and doesn't know his arse from his elbow. But someday he will.