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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with this

15 replies

greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 14:04

My exh found out when he was here last night looking after dc that my 2dc met my bf a few weeks ago. He's said things to them like he wants to murder him but won't because he's a dad, and punched a hole in a wall in my (still our) house. He's basically lost his shit.

They're in their teens and agreed it would be ok for my bf (of 8 months) to be there when I gave them a lift 4 weeks ago, we were passing where they were and they wanted home. Both said they were fine meeting him, that's been it, half an hour in the car and they haven't seen them since. I'm in no way trying to wedge him into their lives.

Should I approach ex about his reaction or leave it?

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 14:11

Just keep away. He sounds deranged...

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2023 14:16

I'd report him to the police and keep him out of your home.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 14:17

Should I approach ex about his reaction or leave it?

Absolutely do NOT approach him about it.
Approach the police instead.
I don't mean go in guns blazing, I mean ring 101 or call in at your local cop shop & report the wall-punching, Take a pic of the hole to show them.

It may be enough to obtain at least a NMO keeping him out of the property.
Lodge this incident with your solicitor & ask them to advise you on the most effective next steps.

Your kids should not have to witness his acting out in their safe space - their home with you.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 14:19

Should I approach ex about his reaction or leave it?

Apart from his deranged violence, the main reason not to address this directly with him is that it gives credence to his insane notion that he has any say whatsover about who you date.

All that will hapen if you broach it with him is that he will blame you, verbally abuse you,convince himself that his actions are all your fault, & feel further entitled to tell you how to conduct your life.

GreyCarpet · 19/03/2023 14:42

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2023 14:16

I'd report him to the police and keep him out of your home.

This.

Original poster
greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 15:03

If it were just me it would affect (which would only be positive) a nmo would be wonderful! Involving the police I fear would cause even more damage to dc, dc2 especially thinks the sun shines out his arse and dd1 is already on rocky ground with him. We're just trying to encourage her to control her emotions and this is how he continues to show her how to behave 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 15:25

greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 15:03

If it were just me it would affect (which would only be positive) a nmo would be wonderful! Involving the police I fear would cause even more damage to dc, dc2 especially thinks the sun shines out his arse and dd1 is already on rocky ground with him. We're just trying to encourage her to control her emotions and this is how he continues to show her how to behave 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ignoring or minimising this violent outburst is NOT in the best interests of your DC.

Right now your H believes he can march into your home, berate you for your dating choices, punch holes in your walls & you will do nothing about it.

DC2 believing the sun shines out of a violent & controlling man's arse is not the message you want him to be receiving. He needs to see that violent men get consequences. DD1 also needs to see that adults who do not control their emotions get consequences.

The police are going to do very little with your report except facilitate whatever legal action you want to take to ensure he cannot do it again - at least in YOUR home. They are not going to charge him with punching a wall, they don't have the resources, & unfortunately a few more misogynistic or clueless officers won't see anything wrong with a man acting out in a property he part-owns.

Your objective should be keeping him out of the marital home.
He has just handed you the ammo to do just that.
I can;t imagine why you are avoiding the opportunity, & sending him AND YOUR DC the message that he can get away with it,

category12 · 19/03/2023 15:38

I think @TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu has a point - isn't it better for the dc to see consequences for violent behaviour than it being covered up?

frozendaisy · 19/03/2023 15:46

If you don't want police then pushing forward to a total break. So either the house becomes yours alone or you move out and sell up is the way forward.

So any reactions of any information is just with him and kids.

Is your bf aware of the reaction and threats?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 15:54

Do not allow him any control over this situation.

Report to 101 or local police as advised and take photos of the wall.

This will not be helping either of your children. You not doing anything just shows your children it's OK to accept abuse and threats. It is not.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 15:57

Imo your dc need to know who he really is. Being allowed on a pedestal is setting them up for a fall.

Original poster
greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 16:26

@frozendaisy I've not spoken to bf since I got home, will fill him in later. I really need a
Clean break from this maniac, he's gotten himself into a bunch of debt since we split though so I'm stuck until he clears that and can get a mortgage to buy me out. It's a mess

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 16:31

greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 16:26

@frozendaisy I've not spoken to bf since I got home, will fill him in later. I really need a
Clean break from this maniac, he's gotten himself into a bunch of debt since we split though so I'm stuck until he clears that and can get a mortgage to buy me out. It's a mess

Or you could sell up, split the equity & start again.

Wiating on his timeline, in a property he part-owns, is not going to be easy or comfortable. Why not take control back, by removing this dependence on him doing the decent thing?

AgentJohnson · 19/03/2023 17:38

Theres no incentive for him to sort his shit if he can be violent and no one challenge (the Police not you) him. I understand that you are worried about your kids but appeasing this twat is a terrible message to teach them.

category12 · 19/03/2023 19:50

greenfingers39 · 19/03/2023 16:26

@frozendaisy I've not spoken to bf since I got home, will fill him in later. I really need a
Clean break from this maniac, he's gotten himself into a bunch of debt since we split though so I'm stuck until he clears that and can get a mortgage to buy me out. It's a mess

I wouldn't wait on that - he could spin it out for ages, and no guarantee he will sort out his debt. Just sell up instead and get things moving.

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