Happy Mother's Day to me...

[Worthless1]

Every single event ruined by my partner.
Firstly before I get flamed, I know but everyone agree there partner should make any effort for mother's Day. I know he's not my mum.
However, it's important to me and he knows it. I have low expectations, a card and a £1 car of chocolate would be fine. For me, it's not about me getting something but about him explaining to our 3 year old that it would be nice to pick mummy a little something as a thank you on mother's Day.
Obviously it's a wider issue. I feel worthless. Not even worth a pound. And yes, I always get thoughtful gifts on father's Day.

We've had the discussion before and lsst year he did get a gift and I was very grateful. However I know to have zero expectations in the relationship, I even booked Sunday lunch for myself and my 2 kids (eldest with ex husband) as it was something nice to do and I knew I wouldn't go otherwise. So hear is how tonight has gone...

Having a chat about mother's Day and he mentions he didn't have to bother because he ds made a card in nursery.

Me "I've seen the card and it's lovely, I do feel a little hurt that you didn't get him to choose me a little gift with him, I feel like I'm not appreciated"
Him "here you go, you're fucking loopy. You've had a few days being nice and you're a fucking bitch again. I'm not your mother, it's nothing to do with me"
Me "please don't speak to me like that. I'm just hurt as you know it'd have liked some effort"
Him "for fucks sake, what's wrong with you. I can't believe you booked sunday lunch either, that was so selfish of you. What if I needed you. I've just had an operation"
he had a wisdom tooth out 2 days ago. He's completely fine. I certainly didn't think that going out for 2 hours, 10 mins away would be an issue. In fact I thought if he was feeling poorly, he'd prefer time alone. Obviously if he was seriously ill I wouldn't have left him.
me "you had a tooth out and you're doing fine. Obviously if you were really I'll I wouldn't have left"
Him "you're inconsiderate. It's an operation and I will be worse on day 3 and you were going to leave me on my own"
Me "you left me alone with 2 kids when I had Covid. You also left me alone the day after my c section to look after 2 kids. If I can manage, I'm sure you can".
Him "here you are bringing up the past. You're fucking loopy. You're always ill, you're mental"
Me "please stp speaking to me like that, you're being horrible"

I stood up to leave the room. He followed me and stood over me (he's a foot taller than me and double my weight) shouting that I was a fucking bitch.
I said "are you going to hit me"
Hi. "oh here you go. Are you going to fall on the floor and pretend I've pushed you"

I've never done that. Or made anything up but he does shout and swear and he has pushed me before.

I go in the living room and ask to be left alone. He bursts into the room on 3 separate occasions shouting I'm a bitch. I'm loopy. I've ruined the relationship abd why aren't you with your mum this weekend (I didn't go because he was having his tooth out!!). Is she crying her eyes out because I've not bothered to see her.
Then he bursts in again shouting I should fuck off to my mum's tomorrow.
I'd love to but I can't because it's 3 hours away and the kids have school Monday.

Basically I'm never allowed an opinion or to want or need any kindness, love, care.
He had his tooth out and ive been running around after him, making food, buying special food, had our soon whilst he spent 3 hours in bed then lay in until 11am today but I'm obviously worth nothing.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. What has prevented you from leaving up till now?. I can imagine its fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries to name but three of many possible reasons.

Would you be willing and or able to contact Womens Aid?. Alternatively can you go into Boots and ask for ANI?. Their staff can direct you to a private booth where you can access domestic violence support services.

Please have your lovely lunch and think about finding the strength to leave asap. He doesn't deserve you. He's right, you're not his mum, you don't owe him anything. Take yourself and your child to a safe place. All the best OP.

What is your financial situation op? You need to leave this abusive relationship as soon as you can. There is no positive future with this man. It will only get worse.

It's emotional abuse and your dc are witnessing it. They will grow up desensitised as well. Do you really want your kids to end up being abusers or abused?

OP, this is far more than just Mother's Day. This man is a horrible person, and your children are presumably seeing and hearing all this. Is that the childhood you want for them? Your husband sounds despicable. You and your children deserve much better. Get rid of him, you can't possibly be any worse off without him.

Please make a plan to leave this dreadful man. Be empowered by mothers day today and start to make your plan.

There are no positives in this relationship and it will damage your children. They may have heard you being called names and treated badly and grow up thinking thats ok…

I know leaving is easier said than done but you can do it! We only have one life and you deserve for it to be happy.

Happy Mothers Day. 💐
Now make steps to divorce. Soon.

Please try and find a way to get away from this man, that’s awful. I’m actually really upset reading your posts, hearing you say you wish you could emotionally shut off, that’s so sad. You’re being abused, no wonder your head is all over the place. You are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you. You’re having a completely normal reaction to being treated horribly. I’m gutted for you, I really am. You need to get away from him, he’s absolutely horrible to you OP. You are asking for so little and you’re worth so much more. X

Sending solidarity. It's awful when those meant to love us make us feel so alone.

I'm partly desensitised. Being called a fucking bitch and a fucking twat several.times a week is the norm.

I doubt your children are desensitised to living in a house where this happens. You unlike them have the option to leave. LTB, do it for your children, do this for the adults they will become.

He's vile and abusive.

How do you get on with your ex? How about your Mum and friends, can you reach out to them and tell them how awful he is to you?

Drop the snarky attitude and stop victim blaming 'you can't half pick them' your advise is shit, OP isn't to blame for his attitude. Horrible men often be drawn to submissive, kind, caring people. It's not her fault!

You need to plan your exit. You probably have a form of Stockholm syndrome.

LTB

It took me three goes to leave a man just like you describe. I always thought I'd protected the children and they'd not realised how horrible he was to me.
My DD was three when I finally left, and she's now 20. He's still in our marital home, so DD spent time there with him after our split, but she can still remember me being there too and can remember being scared and hiding from her Dad. If you can't leave for your own self-worth then can you leave for the simple reason it will be impacting on your children no matter how much you think you are protecting them. I so wish I'd left sooner than I did now and could take away all the damage it has done to my children.
You need to reach out to a friend, family, whoever it is you feel you can trust and form a plan to leave. Sending hugs and strength to you.

Have my first ever LTB !
He's vile and is that how you want your children to think partners treat each other?

I appreciate the replies and am reading them all.
I woke up this morning and "partner" and son have gone out. No idea where etc as he didn't say anything. So not seen my son today yet.
I told my partner I'd like a lie in today as I'm exhausted. I've not slept but didn't want to come downstairs to be honest.

It would surprise me if he leaves for a bit. He does it quite frequently. He'll be angry with me because I mentioned I was upset about mother's Day and will tell me I need to apologise or he won't come back. Despite him shouting and swearing at me that I'm a bitch, twat, loopy etc. Obviously he doesn't see this as the issue.

It is eye opening hearing you mention my children. @Boopydoo I assume because my son is 3 he won't remember but that's probably wishful thinking. He has shouted and sworn at me in front of our son, yes. The other child I always assume hasn't seen or heard as much but maybe I'm in denial. Partner will make comments in front of him. He randomly walked into the living room the other day in front of my eldest, told me I'm passive aggressive (he was saying I said something that never even happened) and said I can pay all the rent myself.
My eldest said "What's wrong with that man".

Your child might not remember at three, but your other children will. They shouldn't be seeing you treated like this. And the three-year old isn't going to stay three...

You're in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. He's not going to stop doing that because he gets what he wants from it.

He wants you to degrade yourself by apologising for being hurt. It's awful.

@Worthless1 Please, please make tomorrow the day that you begin to make plans to leave this vile, abusive man. No one should have to put up with this disgusting treatment. Why do you stay? Are you married and what's the position re the house and finances?

It would surprise me if he leaves for a bit. He does it quite frequently. He'll be angry with me because I mentioned I was upset about mother's Day and will tell me I need to apologise or he won't come back.
Cracking - don't apologise, & you are rid of him!
Except he doesn't mean it. He'll be back, like he always is, because he's invested a lot of time & effort in conditioning you to accept his abuse. He won't want to have to train up a new victim.

What is your living situation - as he threatens to leave, is it your name on the tenancy/deeds? If so, what is stopping you from telling him to move out?
btw that is a genuine question, not a snark.
Can you imagine yourself & DC without his awful presence in your lives?
What would you need to do to achieve this?

My eldest said "What's wrong with that man".
Well done that DC.
Does this galvanise you?
How can PP help motivate & strengthen you into excising this carbuncle of a man from your life?

LTB, he is abusive and cruel to you. He's not worth keeping around at all and you deserve better. What type of low life DP verbally abuses you like that, it's so wrong. Get out fast before this affects your DC too.

@category12 you are right and it's a toxic environment. Financially he has hundreds of thousands. I have a part time job. Every time he threatens to leave I prepare myself more. I have in the past spoken to women's aid, the therapist I was seeing advised speaking to them. She did also advise speaking with the police after he pushed my across the room but I'm not going to do that.
I have also spoken to CAB. I just need to sort some money. Somehow.

It's hard because I mourn the relationship we could have and he seems to hate me.
He doesn't like anything being focused on me. So I'm not allowed to be unwell etc because he is always worse. He thinks he is God and I'm a lowly woman. He said he would be happy for me to work less as long as I got on with the house work and stop asking him for help.
He can't shout and swear at me but then I have to say sorry and he threatens if I don't then l will have nowhere to live.

He came home half hour ago with our son. He bought a box of chocolates and some wine for mother's Day, obviously off the back of last night's "conversation". I don't want them though (didn't say this, I just said thank you as I don't want to antagonise), all I wanted was our son to choose a pound box of chocolates and day happy Mothers Day. Partner has bought something now but spent last night shouting and swearing at me about the whole thing, so he obviously didn't want to get me anything.
What I find hard is that he acts like normal the following day. So I'm apparently horrible, a mental twat and a bitch and the next day all is normal and not mentioned.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu oh but he always comes back. I've identified the cycle. Day 1, he sends me horrible messgaes and say he's leaving unless I apologise. I ignore.
Day 2- please tell DC daddy misses him, tell him I say goodnight etc
Day 3 (the day he'd usually return) he starts with all the messages again, day sorry or I won't be back tonight...I'll reiterate I'm not listening to the name calling or engaging in a text conversation... He'll send another 15 plus messages about how can he live with someone so mentally ill, I must apologise...10 mins before he's due to leave to come home for work, he'll start again "I need to leave in 10 mins. Apologise or I'll bit come back"
"Just say sorry or you'll have nowhere it live"
"I'm supposed to be leaving now, will you apologise"
Ignore then get a message "you didn't apologise so I'm not coming back now, tell DC I'll return tomorrow"
He comes back the following day and doesn't mention anything. Will walk in sometimes after a weekend of telling me how horrible I am and greet me by putting his hands down my dress.
It's weird.

Both on tenancy. Can't afford to live here alone.

My children are both fantastic and loving and kind. I'm soucky and they deserve better.

Great. He's coming to Sunday lunch 😭 that's that ruined.
I booked for us all because obviously it would be mean not to but seen as he had had his tooth removed and not quite eating a full diet, I assumed he obviously wouldn't. I said he should have some time to himself and I'll take the kids, so he just said to our son "you want daddy to come, don't you". Obviously he said yes.
My eldest will probably be upset he's coming and I'm dreading it because he spoils every nice thing.

Would a refuge be a possibility? From there, onto social housing with any luck?

I'm not surprised he's also been physical with you, it's all part of the same puzzle.