Is this mansplaining?

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

Before I talk to DH about this, I want it correct in my mind that what he’s doing is mansplaining and probably sexist.

For example - we were chatting this morning with a friend who is a used car sales / mechanic about me wanting to get a smaller car and how much I liked the mini I’d test driven. I said I’d thought about going to a hybrid car but only really liked the Peugeot. Friend said if you like Peugeot, go for that the mini engine is Peugeot collab build anyway. I was surprised, but then said I wasn’t surprised as one of my dad’s early cars was a Porsche engine! DH said it wasn’t, I’d got it wrong and corrected me with lots of reasons why. I felt like an idiot, but was sure I hadn’t remembered it incorrectly. I googled it on the way home and I wasn’t wrong.

Last weekend we were out for dinner with friends and they were talking about the autistic spectrum and where we’d all be on it. I said that wasn’t possible, you can’t be a little bit autistic. You’re either autistic or you’re not, but DH told me I was wrong and again, lengthy explanation of why and I was left feeling like a fool.

There’s loads of other examples of exactly this type of scenario, but that would make a very long post!

Is he mansplaining or am I over sensitive?

[Shamoo]

Well I think it is mansplaining, but actually worse because he’s doing it in front of other people which you presumably find embarrassing. Have you told him you were right?

[OrchidOrchard]

I always think of mansplaining as explaining something you already know. Sounds like he was just correcting you- even though he got it wrong. My DH always does that. As though I can’t possibly know anything, he always checks if I’m right

[NuffSaidSam]

I don't think it's mansplaining, but it doesn't sound like he's massively irritating.

Is he like this with everyone or just with you? Do you do it to him?

[NuffSaidSam]

*It DOES sound like he's massively irritating!

[PuppyMonkey]

I thought mansplaining was just when a man explains a thing that a woman would know much more about, eg menopause. Or when a woman says a fact and the man then repeats that fact but obviously it’ll be much more important when HE says it.

Your bloke just sounds a bit of a know it all who’s actually thick.

[Northernparent68]

so Your husband isn’t allowed to disagree with you ? You were right about the engine but t wrong about autism-there are degrees or levels of autism. Don’t see every disagreement as sexism

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

@Northernparent68

so Your husband isn’t allowed to disagree with you ? You were right about the engine but t wrong about autism-there are degrees or levels of autism. Don’t see every disagreement as sexism

Yes of course he can disagree with me but I don’t think belittling someone with how you disagree is kind.

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

@Shamoo

Well I think it is mansplaining, but actually worse because he’s doing it in front of other people which you presumably find embarrassing. Have you told him you were right?

No, not yet. It’s not a conversation I want to have with DCs around.

[Sparklfairy]

I think you need to ask yourself if it was a male friend saying the things you did, would he have 'corrected' them the same way?

I wouldn't say it was traditional mansplaining but could well be sexist. If the mere fact you're a woman means you can't possibly be right, in his mind.

I knew a man like this. He would scoff, dismiss and argue with everything I said. One that sticks in my mind is when he told me his - male - friend had told him something really interesting. I just stared at him and said, it was me. I told you that two weeks ago. And you just scoffed at me and said it wasn't true.

I'm not sure if he had completely replaced me in his memory about this conversation with his male friend, because you know, having a vagina and all I couldn't possibly be expected to say anything 'interesting'. Perhaps he had that same conversation with his friend and had completely forgotten mine, but listened to friend's. I have no idea to this day, but it was weird and sexist.

[Hooklander]

Mansplaining to me is a woman saying she's got a PhD is something and a bloke telling her all about it from a position of relative ignorance. E.g.:

[Bloke:] What do you do?

I'm a geologist.

Oh, don't you have to have qualifications to do that?

Yes, I have a PhD in limestone cave formation.

Aah, you missed a trick there. I've studied limestone caves and they're not very interesting. Absolute rubbish. Wasted your time.

Well ...

Honestly, waste of time. You had bad advice there. Shale, that's where the money is. Shale.

My specialism is quite technical ...

Limestone, I mean, it's all troglodytes, isn't it, like in pre-Calgon days. What you want to do is ...

[Holly60]

No I wouldn't say he is mansplaining. He is disagreeing with you. But he is doing it in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, so I would have a conversation and tell him so.

[Rosula]

It doesn't sound like mansplaining, but he clearly doesn't really understand some of the basic rules of social intercourse - i.e. that, if you disagree with someone, you can and should do so politely; there is no need to go on and on and on about it, especially if you're with other people.

In the car example, either he was right or he wasn't: most people would probably have said, quite mildly, something along the lines of "I don't think that's right, because X, Y and Z" without banging on for a long time - not least because they would be aware that if they make a big issue about it and turn out to be wrong they're going to look pretty stupid. In the autism example, it was entirely legitimate to disagree with you, but it wouldn't have been difficult to prove you wrong - he could just have referred to the recent Chris Packham programmes, for instance, or pointed you to the disparity between the likes of Packham and people who are so severely affected that they are wholly dependent on others for care. So, again, he didn't need to go on about it. But In both instances it sounds as if he is someone who doesn't quite know when enough is enough when taking part in a discussion, rather than someone who is mansplaining.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

Manchecking is just as bad. A woman says something and the man takes out his phone and checks she is right, or wrong, before he makes a comment. That drives me fucking crazy. They never do it to other men.

[FawnFrenchieMum]

@Northernparent68

so Your husband isn’t allowed to disagree with you ? You were right about the engine but t wrong about autism-there are degrees or levels of autism. Don’t see every disagreement as sexism

Whilst Autism covers a huge spectrum. He is still wrong. Not everyone is on that spectrum. You are either Autistic or you’re not. If you ARE then you sit somewhere on the spectrum.

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

@Rosula

It doesn't sound like mansplaining, but he clearly doesn't really understand some of the basic rules of social intercourse - i.e. that, if you disagree with someone, you can and should do so politely; there is no need to go on and on and on about it, especially if you're with other people.

In the car example, either he was right or he wasn't: most people would probably have said, quite mildly, something along the lines of "I don't think that's right, because X, Y and Z" without banging on for a long time - not least because they would be aware that if they make a big issue about it and turn out to be wrong they're going to look pretty stupid. In the autism example, it was entirely legitimate to disagree with you, but it wouldn't have been difficult to prove you wrong - he could just have referred to the recent Chris Packham programmes, for instance, or pointed you to the disparity between the likes of Packham and people who are so severely affected that they are wholly dependent on others for care. So, again, he didn't need to go on about it. But In both instances it sounds as if he is someone who doesn't quite know when enough is enough when taking part in a discussion, rather than someone who is mansplaining.

I don’t think I’ve explained the autism thing correctly in my OP. DH and friends were saying that everyone is on the autism spectrum, in the same way as people can be ‘a little bit ocd’. I disagreed, and said you can’t be a little bit ocd, nor can you be a little bit autistic. You’re either autistic or you’re not and everyone who is autistic experiences it differently. You can’t be neurotypical and neurodivergent at the same time, they’re different brain neurotypes.

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

@FawnFrenchieMum

Whilst Autism covers a huge spectrum. He is still wrong. Not everyone is on that spectrum. You are either Autistic or you’re not. If you ARE then you sit somewhere on the spectrum.

Thank you. That’s exactly what I was saying to them. The spectrum isn’t from neurotypical to neurodivergent, the spectrum is within neurodivergence itself.

[KickAssAngel]

The original situation which led to the word mansplaining was where a woman had published a book and was a world leader in her field, and a man spent a whole night telling her about her own field of study. So, it's definitely about a man talking at a woman about something she knows more about. The example of your Dad's car would need one as you, presumably, do know more about your Dad when you were a child.

However, whether it's technically mansplaining or just that your husband thinks it's ok to talk down to you and have to stomp all over what you said, in front of other people, he's being unkind and rude. I'd be thinking he's a dick if I heard him doing it.

[VirginMediaAreUseless]

@KickAssAngel

The original situation which led to the word mansplaining was where a woman had published a book and was a world leader in her field, and a man spent a whole night telling her about her own field of study. So, it's definitely about a man talking at a woman about something she knows more about. The example of your Dad's car would need one as you, presumably, do know more about your Dad when you were a child.

However, whether it's technically mansplaining or just that your husband thinks it's ok to talk down to you and have to stomp all over what you said, in front of other people, he's being unkind and rude. I'd be thinking he's a dick if I heard him doing it.

I didn’t know about the origin of mansplaining, thank you for sharing that.

Which, incidentally, is my usual response if someone tells me something I didn’t know about. Not to tell them they’re wrong, can’t possibly have remembered that correctly or to question how they’d know.

For what it’s worth, I’ve spoken to my dad and asked if I’ve got it wrong. I haven’t. Dad said how on earth would your DH know about it, that car was years before you met him.

[Watchkeys]

He's making you feel crap. The word 'mansplaining' didn't exist a few years ago. Why do you need a name for what he's doing?

[Pixiedust1234]

Hes belittling and embarrassing you. Hes bigging himself up by making you small. Someone doing that consistently and over a period of time is eroding your self confidence and self esteem. Its a form of abuse (look up boiled frog analogy).

[OutDamnedSpot]

@Northernparent68 - he was wrong about autism. Yes, there’s a spectrum, but you’re either autistic or not. Saying “we’re all a bit autistic” or (like in this case) discussing where on the spectrum we’d all be is offensive to actually autistic people.

[RememberNancyDrew]

It does not sound like mansplaining to me, but just general condescending know-it-all crap - but I would need to hear his tone of voice.

My most recent mansplaining experience - a man I work for explained to me that "February is a shorter month than the other months which means it has fewer number of days...." No shit Sherlock.

[emptythelitterbox]

He's a know it all belittling arse.
He's likely always been like this and unlikely he'll change.

Talking to him about it will do nothing.

[Lilliflip]

I’d say he was a know-it-all rather than a mansplainer. Bloody annoying either way though.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

As much as I think 'mansplaining' is just a pointless, unnecessary term for what has always just been known as being a loudmouth, a crashing bore, a know-it-all, a condescending twat etc etc, your DH certainly appears to be indulging in it.

FWIW, yes, you are totally correct regards autism. You either meet the criterion for a diagnosis or you do not. The 'spectrum' refers to the myriad of ways in which your neurodivergence might manifest itself, not how 'far along' the spectrum you are, 'how autistic' you are, or where on a 'scale' you are. Autism isn't a linear scale, it isn't an illness, so you can't just be a 'bit' autistic or have 'mild' autism, it's a matter of how your autism presents and limits your function, and whether or not there are comorbid learning difficulties.