Feeling stuck, don't know how to make my marriage work

[Wellies]

Dh and I have been together for 14 years (married for 9) We have two children who are now 7 and 5.

These days we're just not getting on.

We have great holidays and the (very) occasional weekend child-free when we laugh and have fun and all the things I expect from marriage. But as soon as we come home and back to the everyday routine he can't seem to be able to dedicate time to us. He gets totally bogged down with daily routine.

I have tried countless times and various approaches (calm chats to shouting in sheer frustration)to tell him how I feel and what I need and despite assurances from him that we're fine and he'll make time during the humdrum of daily stuff to recognise me in any way, the reality is that the effort only lasts a few days before he goes back to focusing on work etc (important I know, he's self employed and there's always work to be done, but surely there should be room for me too?) and I spend time alone and am becoming angry, lonely and throughly fed up

He seems to have complete and utter disregard for getting the relationship back to anything more than whatever it is we pretend at these days. I just can't understand how he'd rather have this than bother to talk to me and be able to work to getting back to the good times we've had in the past. He says he loves me but we don't seem to connect on an emotional level AT ALL and I'm so bloody lonely!
I have no idea what to do. I CAN'T go through another one way conversation with him about it, I just can't. I've tried and tried and no matter what we always end up back here and now I just can't face the humiliation of ASKING him to spend time with me anymore. I am at a complete and utter loss. We can't keep this up. I'm only 33 fgs, how do I face the rest of my life feeling this lonely all the time?

Have you been to counselling/Relate? If not, try it.

I tried that, he wouldn't come. He can't talk to me how would he talk to a stranger?
He'd agree with anything that was said and would churn out the same old arguemnet that he's just working hard for the family so I ought to be grateful (and I am, but I married HIM not his job!)
He's a lovely man and I'm really very fond of him but...I don't know, I'm not sure what to think anymore...I know that I stuggle to think of myself as loving him anymore, I feel very let down

You poor thing - I don't think I have any answers but just wanted to sympathise. My DP is also self employed and work seems to take over his life too a lot of the time and we can go for weeks only talking to each other about work, chores or childcare. My DP is also rubbish at talking about things and would rather bottle things up and pretend its all fine, so I know how you feel.

Does your DH know how lonely you feel? Are you able to go out just the two of you and do something you both enjoy? Me and DP have started doing dancing lessons, we're both crap which makes it really funny and that has actually helped us a little bit in getting some of the fun back. But it easy to then slip back into routines and humdrum once you get home. We've also decided on certain times that DP doesn't work and spends that time with us, its just one day at the weekend and one weeknight but at least I know those times he's be focussed on me and DS rather than his work - but we do have to keep talking about it because if we've got nothing planned he does slip back into work mode quite easily!

Hope you manage to sort something out. hugs

Sorry, seemed to have made hugs into a link somehow!!

I have told him how lonely I am.
he wouldn't come out and do anything like that - he likes to get home, have supper, watch telly then go and do office work. If I was to suggest anything else he'd be looking at the clock over my shoulder and worrying about a)missing his favourite tv show or b) not having time to finish the reports etc he has to do for work
We haven't had any time to talk/be together in any way since the end of Oct. I told him then exactly how horrible I was feeling and he was full of assurances but it lasted till mid-Nov then we've been just rubbing along.
I hate that I then get grumpy and cross with him and the kids and he accuses me of being bad tempered - I'm not bad tempered I'm frustrated and can't see a way out!

Are you able to go out occasionally in the evenings without him? If he's working/watching TV he'll be able to mind the children while you go out and see a friend or something? I know it won't sort out the problems with your DH but it might help to relieve some of the stress and stop you feeling bad tempered?

Would he do something at a weekend with you, if you suggested somewhere you and the kids would really enjoy and plan it in advance so he can't say he has too much work to do?

Actually, what you need is something else to occupy your time and attention: a hobby or a part time job (do you WOHM at all?) or some kind of social life that doesn;t depend on your partner. Because it sounds as though you're expecting him to provide all your entertainment and pay you attention all the time: do you not have any friends you could spend an evening a week with?
Unfortunatley it's inevitable that when someone is constantly asking for attention and emotional support, the person being asked withdraws, the asker bleats some more, the other person withdraws further... if your partner is not a very emotionally open person, you can;t force him to become one without just annoying the crap out of him.

Have the kids said anything to him about not being there for him? I find that when the kids are asking only for me all the time, I then point it out to DH that they aren't used to him doing things, and it helps him think. Kids can say very insightful things if given the chance...

I meant, not being there for them...

I don't bleet on, I have bearly mentioned my feelings about this now since our big talk in October. I'm too disappointed that he doesn't appear to have taken any of what I said on board to bleet on about it again . I have tried to just accept that this is the pattern of our life but I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

We both have hobbies outside the home to enjoy. But I married him in order to enjoy some time with him not just under the same roof as him.

We have one weekend day as a family day and have day out or go swimming etc

I work 2/3 week days and one day at the weekends

I am on my own with the kids for 2/3 eves a week when he's out drumming up more work. Other nights he's in and focused on office work.
Now both children are at school I meet other friends in the day on my days off work rather than arranging much in the evenings as I'm never sure what time he'll be home/if he'll be going out again, it just depends what has come up during the day for him workwise.

He has taken the day off on Thursday in order for us to have a day out - very nice but I'm worried it'll be this pretend day when we act as though everything is great and then on Friday we'll go back to normal again
I don't know how to approach him about it again.

He's great with the kids and almost always tries to call in and read them a story at bedtime even if he then has to go back out again
He's lovely in many ways, we just seem out of touch with each other....

It seems to me you are bored with life generally - sorry to say but what you are describing sounds great.

I think we all go through times when it justs seems the same old all the time.

Do you have goals that you are both working towards.
You say holidays and days out are great but that you are pretending - what would have to be differnt for you to feel it was real?

I feel we're pretending because we'll have this day out and he'll be all attentive and affectionate and that's just not the way he is towards me at other times. He's distant and distracted and doesn't come near me. One or two days like that every 5 months just isn't enough for me, I'm sorry if that's too much to ask but it's what I need.

I know I'm lucky in many ways.

I'm clearly just ungrateful and miserable just as he thinks

I do think that the problem here is that you need to take responsibility for your own feelings, and not make him responsible for them. He is great with the kids, he takes time off work for days out, and yet you seem to want non-stop attention from him, no matter how muhc effort he makes it isn;t enough. Have you got self-esteem or depression issues? Because if so, he can't mend them, you have to do it yourself (with or without professional help).

I totally agree with Madamez and HW. You sound to have a really good balance of work and play in your relationship. It all sounds great!
Do you do anything other than 'talk' to him, are you affectionate towards him for instance or, do you wait until he shows you affection. Does he come home to a 'smiley' wife or, a sad and resentful wife.
I think sometimes we have to take a look at our own behaviour and stop blaming our DP's for how we feel. We have to take responsibility for our own happiness and often, when we do, our DP's follow our lead and things improve

Do you think you will find what you need from someone else then? We all have days where we wish someone would just come and take us away from the hum-drum of life.

It does sound as if you are not happy with yourself at the moment and you are expecting him to know how to fix it - you say you have not even told him how you feel, as you are just fed up as he never seems to take it on board.

If he did suddenly make the effort would you be looking for the day when he didnt to say 'see i knew he would go back to his old ways' or would you just be thinking - this wont last so.

And i never said you were miserable or ungrateful - that is just want you want to hear, and maybe that is what you are doing with him - he tries you dont think it is enough.

It is an easy cycle to get into - and when communication is lacking too it leads to resentment and so on and so on.

said much better than me TFM as usual. We have both been in this situation and it is so hard when you are there to look to blame someone else when if fact we really do need to look at ourselves.

It does not mean you are being ungrateful or miserable but whislt you are there it can feel like that.

Maybe there is some depression too.

I wasted a long time blaming my DP for my misery, feeling lonely etc. It was only when I got off my backside and did something for myself that I found out the only person making me miserable was me! Our relationship, although not perfect by any means , is better than it has ever been and I have never been happier to be in it than I am now.

Your advice is brilliant HW, spot on!

And don't forget, while you have one finger pointing at DP the other three are pointing at you. Thats just a little saying I picked up along the way

I'd say take a bit of a step back for a time. Lots of this stuff sounds great: you both have stuff to do outside the home, he takes time to spend with you and the kids as a family, when you do have time together on days off or holidays you get on well and enjoy each other's company. so the main prob seems to be that on ordinary days you don;t feel he's giving you enough attention or appreciating your company.

Now I'd say that he loves you, you love him, you're pretty happy but he isn;t being overtly affectionate all the time which actually sounds pretty normal, especiallu a) in a long-term relationship and b) if he's stressed with work. I'd agree that talking to him isn't going to get you very far, as he juts ends up feeling resentful. If he isn't the type of person to show affection all the time, that isn't going to change.

So you have an opportunity here: if you want this to work, either adjust your expectations or change what you are doing. What about you initiating time together, even if it's getting a DVD you both want to watch, running him a bath, even (dare I say it) initiating sex? Could it be that he's muttering to himself that you are taking him a bit for granted? It often seems to work both ways.

Good luck - you're not alone in this situation, so you may get some more focused advice soon...

Thanks TFM - i feel just the same. I spent a long time being resentful about how my h was not 'involved' in what i was doing (well for some time he wasnt!!!).

I read the book - rules of life by (richard templer i think). And it made a lot of sense. Once i was happy that i was doing my best in every way i could things really improved - my h saw an almost overnight transformation.

Something that really stuck a chord with me was to treat your partner like your best friend. So often we just take them for granted and 'forget' to thank them for the little ordinary things they do. We also forget to do the little things in return.

How about saying to your h how much you really appriciate the fact that he does the bed time story and say thankyou. It will give him a boost and i bet you will soon see some improvement.

I like the running him a bath too and you know it really does make a difference very quickly in my experience.

Good luck.

That is a lovely post HW.

A book I enjoyed reading was "Getting through to the man you love" The no nonsense, No nagging guide for women' It's very cleverly written, like talking to one of your girlfriends. I can recommend it.

When you think about it, we do put our men under quite a lot of pressure don't we. Not only do we expect them to be the providers we also expect them to make us happy. I wonder if they ever feel lonely and depressed, unappreciated and unloved. I guess the obvious answer to that is, sadly, yes. We just don't stop to think of things from their point of view very often do we.

I think about it from his point of view, I really do. I am grateful and try to show it in how I am around him.

I try hard to look after him. If he calls in to read to the kids I make sure there's a good supper for him to quickly have before he rushes back out or something for when he gets home. I ask about his day. I help where I can with his work. I dress up for him. I give him time to unwind. I rent dvds etc for us to watch together. I initiate sex. I really do make an effort!

I have had depression in the past but have had counselling and am feeling massivly better. I have lost weight and feel better then ever in myself.

He expects me to work, run the house and kids and keep him happy, why is it wrong for me to expect the same from him?

I will look into getting the books you mention

Are you sure he expects ou to do all those things? I used to believe my DP expected me to do a lot too but, when I took control of myself, so to speak, I stopped being so manic about having everything perfect, and you know what, he hasn't even noticed. Thats because he would rather have the new improved me than the miserable old me

Yes, get yourself on Amazon and order the books, you can buy them second hand and then sell them again