Feeling stuck, don't know how to make my marriage work

[Wellies]

Dh and I have been together for 14 years (married for 9) We have two children who are now 7 and 5.

These days we're just not getting on.

We have great holidays and the (very) occasional weekend child-free when we laugh and have fun and all the things I expect from marriage. But as soon as we come home and back to the everyday routine he can't seem to be able to dedicate time to us. He gets totally bogged down with daily routine.

I have tried countless times and various approaches (calm chats to shouting in sheer frustration)to tell him how I feel and what I need and despite assurances from him that we're fine and he'll make time during the humdrum of daily stuff to recognise me in any way, the reality is that the effort only lasts a few days before he goes back to focusing on work etc (important I know, he's self employed and there's always work to be done, but surely there should be room for me too?) and I spend time alone and am becoming angry, lonely and throughly fed up

He seems to have complete and utter disregard for getting the relationship back to anything more than whatever it is we pretend at these days. I just can't understand how he'd rather have this than bother to talk to me and be able to work to getting back to the good times we've had in the past. He says he loves me but we don't seem to connect on an emotional level AT ALL and I'm so bloody lonely!
I have no idea what to do. I CAN'T go through another one way conversation with him about it, I just can't. I've tried and tried and no matter what we always end up back here and now I just can't face the humiliation of ASKING him to spend time with me anymore. I am at a complete and utter loss. We can't keep this up. I'm only 33 fgs, how do I face the rest of my life feeling this lonely all the time?

I think you are right TFM (there is a surpise).
Wellies what are your expectations? From what you are saying you do have a fairly normal life - and as you know if you have had depression they does tend to be a bit of a 'flat' time.

Do you actually know what it is you want from him? We do all deserve to be happy but it is only a state of mind and what makes one person happy does not really do it for another. Are you looking at others and thinking they have a better life than you? Maybe you are thinking the grass is greener on the other side? This is ok and does not make you a bad person in anyway.

I have just had a time when i was feeling down and for no real reason - having suffered from depression i think it is something i have to be aware of as it is easy to find comfort in looking inwards and wallowing in self pity.

Sometimes it is hard to know why we feel the way we do and just have to accept it and try and get on with life as normal - do you think your h is doing this in the hope that it is just a phase that will pass?
Maybe if he knew how to make you happy he could it - but unless you tell him how would he know.

Another excellent post HW!

I too sometimes feel very depressed for no apparant reason but now, I don't look in the direction of my DP. I look in the mirror rather than the magnifying glass.
Also, I can be guilty of over thinking which, when tied to depression, can be lethal! These day, i do whatever I can to change my train of thoughts, even if its just to get outside for a walk.

me too - it is a hard lesson to learn but i now know that my h is not the one i need to turn to in my hour of most need. This may not be right but it is what works for us too. Maybe in my fairytale he would come and resuce me but in real life it is now my friends and MN that i turn to to save my sanity!! Sometimes he does not like it but tough it is better than me whinging on to him all the time.

Gosh HW, I wish I had met you years ago! I feel just the same as you. But, in a strange way it has done me and DP good, he has more respect for me now and I have more for him. I don't stick to what may be considered 'the norm' these days, I do whatever works for me/us.
It's nice to 'meet' someone who is of the same mind

TFM i really hope to meet you too soon as you have been great through all my troubles.

Bless you. I think you do a great job on your own though. You have got the job sussed

Remember you can go to Relate on your own. I know that's not what you want but you can still improve the situation by getting help for yourself. GOOD LUCK.

Me & my husband have been together for 17 years , children 9,7 and nearly 4. We've been going through a very difficult time these last few months. I have been so confused, i've used the words "i love you but i'm not in love with you". He left on sunday(my choice) for the 3rd time since dec but this time i've had a few weeks to think things through & i've decided i do want to work things out. I don't have any hobbies and sometimes i feel as though i've got nothing to say to him apart from talking about the kids. Since he left we have been emailing each other with silly little things that we like about each other or things that we have done together or just things that make us who we are. I really want to put the spark back but it's very difficult when you've been with a person for so long. If deep down you've got a solid foundation the rest will just fall into place again( hopefully) but it will take time & hard work. My nan & grandad were together for 60 years until she died last year & my grandad said to me the other day that it can't always go smoothly, you will always have your ups & downs but if you love each other you will get through the downs.