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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong for not giving my husband what he want

25 replies

Pragma · 18/03/2023 10:33

After few years into marriage, we had a situation where we are living separately. I realised how much I'm happy by being alone especially coming from an Indian household where I never got what I want. But once we are together again I'm really not happy when my husband is close to me, even it's a hug. I'm disgusted even a small touch. I asked him divorce as I totally want to be alone with out any sort of relationship and get what I lost in life. But he is not ready, he is saying he loves me and wants me in his life and without me his life is incomplete. Though I understand what he was saying, still I'm unable to force my heart. Everyday facing him is really difficult especially when he keeps his face like depressed and crying in his heart. I feel sorry but unable to turn that into like, I feel wrong and guilty, but I'm unhappy. I really couldn't find any solution for it. Looking at him everyday making me more depressed.

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 18/03/2023 10:35

this sounds so miserable, I really hope you find a way out and be happy. No, you do not have to stay in this relationship for the sake of your husband. Your needs matter equally

BringItOn2023 · 18/03/2023 10:35

Are you living together again? If not, can you just not see him again? You need a clean break.

Dery · 18/03/2023 10:46

You can’t remain married to this man. He doesn’t own you. He needs to let you go and move on. Yes, it will hurt him like hell for a bit but he’ll get over it and this will give him a chance to find someone who loves him back.

Glitteratitar · 18/03/2023 11:02

Was it an arranged marriage?

Could you be happy with him if you lived separately again?

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 11:18

Get divorced.

You do not owe him your happiness.

He is manipulating you with his sad face.

You can't bear to be touched by him.

It is over.

Put yourself first.

CrystalCoco · 18/03/2023 11:21

You matter too OP, not just his sad face, what about your sad heart.

He can't keep you as his wife if it's not what you want anymore.

In the long run he will be happier, he just can't see it at the moment. Why would he want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to him.

As PP said, put YOU first.

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2023 11:24

He doesn't have to be happy with it and he cans till love you. It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself to it.

Your feelings matter. You matter.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:06

I asked him divorce as I totally want to be alone with out any sort of relationship and get what I lost in life.
That is your right, & you are at liberty to instruct a solicitor to get divorce proceedings underway.
Your husband doesn;t need to be consulted. You never need speak to him of divorce again - your solicitor can handle all the communication for you.

But he is not ready, he is saying he loves me and wants me in his life and without me his life is incomplete.
Erm ... divorce doesn't work like that.
You don't need his agreement, & certainly not his permission.

Remove yourself from the back & forth of it, don;t have him in your house, stop seeing him. & let your lawyer do the work for you.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:08

Glitteratitar · 18/03/2023 11:02

Was it an arranged marriage?

Could you be happy with him if you lived separately again?

As OP says I'm really not happy when my husband is close to me, even it's a hug. I'm disgusted even a small touch. - presumably not.

Why should she stay in a sham of a marriage just because her H wants her to?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:09

I asked him divorce as I totally want to be alone with out any sort of relationship

My dear, you need to change your mindset.
Are you living in the UK? If so -

There is no need to ASK for a divorce.
You only need to set one in motion.

Pinkbonbon · 18/03/2023 16:18

The marriage is over whether he likes it or not.
I'd tell him so. Kindly but firmly.

Tradeup · 18/03/2023 16:22

It’s clear you do not love this man or even find him physically attractive. Not knowing the circumstances of your marriage, was this a free love match? You sound like you are a young woman, divorce and be happy in the life you create for yourself. Was this ever a loving realationship?

Original poster

Pragma · 19/03/2023 14:09

Thank you.. yes I live in UK and we discussed to try for 6 months, so I left my part time job and trying to live with him. The major concern is we have a baby together and I am on student visa and he has work visa. And I'm trying to put with it because of my child like all Indian moms.. but it's very hard. And if I take divorce he is saying he will take our son to India, but I can't follow him, as I'm sure my parents don't accept if I separate from him and worse they can kill me. My child will suffer in between and I don't want him to be raised in India and get that narrow mind where they can't accept what's going on and giving value to women opinions. I want to raise him here to be independent.

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 19/03/2023 14:17

They can kill you? 😲
You’re in a really difficult situation but I can’t say I know how to advise you, as it’s so out of my experience. Is there anyone close to you who could give you some advice? You really, really shouldn’t have to stay with him. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! 💐

user1493222657 · 19/03/2023 14:18

Hi, is there anyone you could talk to about your situation in the UK? Will you be able to find a job that allows you to get a visa to stay in the UK? Even then, it might be difficult to work and look after your child on your own. Do you have relatives in the UK? It is normal to feel like this about your husband if you don't love him but you need to take wise decisions so that you are not hurt or left financially insecure. Hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 14:21

You cannot stay with him out of pity. Or guilt.

You have a right to be happy.

You have been honest with him and said you want a divorce. A relationship will never work if one person wants to leave.

Stop letting him make you feel guilty. Start making some proper plans and see a solicitor. He cannot just take your son to India (does your son even have a passport? Do you get him one.)

But do not tell husband about your plans until you're ready to leave or kick him out.

Can you talk to your parents about it? Friends?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 14:22

Sorry, that should have read DO NOT get your son a passport.

It sounds like a very miserable and lonely situation to be in and I hope you get some help. Could you talk to the Indian Embassy re: your visa?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 14:23

Oh god no, just saw your update. Don't talk to your parents!!!

BritishDesiGirl · 19/03/2023 14:45

You are on a student visa which means that you are here temporarily and unlikely to get permanent leave to remain. Your husband is in the same boat. Eventually you will both have to go back to India. Your situation is more precarious as yours is a student visa.

Is there any relatives you have in India who could support you. Relatives that are not your parents. Could they give you somewhere safe to stay until you can find somewhere for you and your son.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2023 15:29

If you are a student, can you speak to student services at the place where you are studying?
They will be able to find you local advice and perhaps a solicitor or Womans Aid where you can get some support with your situation.
You must tell them that you are afraid of your parent's reaction. It sounds like this was a forced marriage. There may be organisations who can help you in these circumstances.
Please make a start at speaking to someone in real life who can help you.
Sorry that you are going through this - it sounds very difficult for you, but take it step by step and don't tell your husband or family that you are getting advice - you don't want them to stop you. Good luck

tealgate · 19/03/2023 15:37

To be honest, you will need specialist advice on both the visa situation and the ramifications of divorce. You could try specialist helplines or charities set up specifically for situations like this. I know there is no abuse at present, but the fear of your parents repercussions are serious and you should seek knowledgable advice.

karmanirvana.org.uk/

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 19/03/2023 15:52

Whereabouts are you? Lots of lawyers in the U.K. specialise in forced marriage/immigration issues. You need specialist advice, especially with your student visa.

Sparkletastic · 19/03/2023 16:21

Is there any chance you might have post natal depression?

MNHQ

PipMumsnet · 19/03/2023 16:26

Hello OP,

We're so sorry to read you're going through this.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

Furrydogmum · 19/03/2023 16:30

Your post made my heart ache. Please get specialist advice about this, you know your family better than we do and you obviously believe they could endanger your life. I truly hope you get the help you need to be able to live the life you want. Are you able to speak to a health visitor, they may be able to help if you are feeling depressed since the birth of your son..

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