Why can't we be on time?!

mamnotmum · 2023-03-18T09:56:27+00:00

Anyone else's partner just seem unable to be anywhere on time?! Im very organised, partner is much the opposite and it's driving me to distraction! It's almost like if he is going to be on time he decides 'oh I've got time to iron' or something really random to make sure he is late? He then runs around the house making me feel quite stressed instead of just being more organised?!

Campervangirl · 18/03/2023 10:04

That's me you're describing, I start off with plenty of time to get ready.
I don't know what happens, it seems like at the last minute I fall into a black hole where time just goes, I cannot for the life of me get out of the house on time, I'm always late and flustered.
For example, it's 15 minutes before I need to leave so I go upstairs for a wee, get my shoes, pick a jacket, come back down and 20 minutes has passed but I don't know how it's taken 20 minutes to do three simple things. 🙄
I don't do it deliberately and it annoys the hell out of my family

Clingthefilm · 18/03/2023 10:05

I used to be like this. I used some of the strategies at this link time.com/106815/stop-being-late/

The main things of me was the 'one more task' mindset and not building in any contingency.

But the key thing is that I wanted to change. Does your DP realise it's causing you stress? Do they want to change or are they happy with how it is?

Original poster

mamnotmum · 18/03/2023 10:09

Yes he knows it causes me stress. I tell him!

He'll spend 25 minutes in the shower realising that gives him 5 minutes to get dressed, shoes on etc etc and be shouting to the kids - we'll be late get on your coats and shoes quickly. Just spend 10 mins in the shower and there's the solution?!

But if he'd spent 10 mins in the shower he'd have got out and thought 'plenty time to .....' (insert any unnecessary task) and STILL be late!

OP posts:

Whatalovelypair · 18/03/2023 10:12

Some people just don't have a good concept of time. They think something takes 5 minutes when it takes 20 minutes. They may daydream or faff or overestimate how much time they have. They could be dragging their feet because they hate to be early or they don't want to go. I think ADHD and dyspraxia make a person prone to this. A person can implement tips to help with this regardless of why they do it, simple things like checking the weather, checking the travel route and estimate the time, make sure outfit is clean and ready, set alarms and so on.

Whatalovelypair · 18/03/2023 10:13

He might benefit from a waterproof clock in the shower or countdown alarms for every stage of getting ready so it keeps him on track. If he is slow, he might need to get ready before others. Say it's an hour for you, he might need to prepare 3 hours early.

Whydoievenbother · 18/03/2023 10:14

I'd honestly leave him now. My DH is like this, 12 years later and now with a child it's actually becoming a serious issue in our relationship. Think into your future and if you want that to be your life (sorry to sound so dramatic, but it really does add up over time)

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 18/03/2023 10:47

I'm the late one in our house. Well, actually I'm rarely actually late, more "just-in-time", but DH hates being just-in-time, it stresses him out, he likes to be early.

Problem is, I loathe being early, because if I'm early it means I have to wait around, and I can't stand that as I'm an impatient old sod. So just-in-time it is. Or sometimes, if the heavy traffic that DH is always warning me about happens, late.

Original poster

mamnotmum · 18/03/2023 11:14

Whydoievenbother · 18/03/2023 10:14

I'd honestly leave him now. My DH is like this, 12 years later and now with a child it's actually becoming a serious issue in our relationship. Think into your future and if you want that to be your life (sorry to sound so dramatic, but it really does add up over time)

Thanks but definitely not an option. Love him very much. Very happy in most aspects. He's a great father. We've been together nearly 20 years and have 3 children.

I'd just like a little more stress around timings.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamnotmum · 18/03/2023 11:15

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 18/03/2023 10:47

I'm the late one in our house. Well, actually I'm rarely actually late, more "just-in-time", but DH hates being just-in-time, it stresses him out, he likes to be early.

Problem is, I loathe being early, because if I'm early it means I have to wait around, and I can't stand that as I'm an impatient old sod. So just-in-time it is. Or sometimes, if the heavy traffic that DH is always warning me about happens, late.

I do understand that. I'd rather sit in the car for 5 mins once we've arrived than be late.

His level of disorganisation I think is worse from being self employed. No one to answer to in terms of deadlines etc.

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 17:17

mamnotmum · 18/03/2023 10:09

Yes he knows it causes me stress. I tell him!

He'll spend 25 minutes in the shower realising that gives him 5 minutes to get dressed, shoes on etc etc and be shouting to the kids - we'll be late get on your coats and shoes quickly. Just spend 10 mins in the shower and there's the solution?!

But if he'd spent 10 mins in the shower he'd have got out and thought 'plenty time to .....' (insert any unnecessary task) and STILL be late!

So he's quite happy to stress you out, & does nothing about implementing tactics to help himself manage time better?

I'd stop waiting for him.
Let him know "we are leaving at 9:30 no matter what" ... & just do it.
He can then make his own way there, or miss out.

He doesn't care about lateness, & is not getting a single consequence for his stressful behaviour, so he;s not motivated to change it (happy to let you suck up all the stress though).

Fairislefandango · 18/03/2023 17:21

He needs to learn through consequences. Tell him that if he doesn't sort it out, you will leave him behind and set off without him. At the moment the only consequence is you getting understandably stressed by it. He clearly doesn't care about that.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 18/03/2023 17:26

Yes people like this are bloody infuriating.

DH was marginally prone to this but as I'm an organised in time person he's edged more my way. Thankfully. It's the unnecessary stress of being late that makes things unpleasant - who needs that extra stress in their life?

I'm guessing, OP, that he's not chronically late for work? Of course not because he'd be unemployed then. So if those who are late for other shit can get their act together for work or other stuff that is important to them it tells you a whole lot about their attitude.

Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 17:35

Personally I think it’s downright selfish that someone can make someone else so late and not even give a damn. In a way it’s psychologically abusing you and causing you stress when you know you have to be somewhere but they are making it extremely difficult for you to get somewhere on time for their own selfish reasons. I couldn’t cope with someone like that. I’m like you OP, if I’m late, I have a complete melt down. I hate being late and I cannot understand why someone would purposefully make you late for stupid reasons. I don’t understand these type that know they have to be somewhere but just cannot be arsed to be ready in time

Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 17:37

Also further to my last post, with people like this I feel like I have to do all the organising to make sure we get there on time. Have to plan out my own day and work around their annoying habits! It is infuriating that they cannot organise themselves or do not want to organise themselves and they’ll be ready when they’re ready… stuff anyone else and where they need to be or if anyone is waiting for them! Completely selfishness in my opinion!

Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 17:40

Also cannot stand those sort of people who say they’ll be there in 10 minutes and half an hour later there’s still no sign of them. Fair enough if there’s a valid reason but a family member of mine used to be late for everything no matter what! I just don’t get it.

Doyoumind · 18/03/2023 17:49

Does he miss trains, planes as a result of his bad timekeeping? If the answer is no, he is able to manage his time when he wants to and it matters.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 18/03/2023 17:52

You have 2 options, either go without him or give him an earlier time that he needs to be ready by to factor in for his faffing around.

DemonSpawn · 18/03/2023 18:34

Being late is a choice. Usually a selfish self-centred choice.

Whydoievenbother · 18/03/2023 19:25

mamnotmum · 18/03/2023 11:14

Thanks but definitely not an option. Love him very much. Very happy in most aspects. He's a great father. We've been together nearly 20 years and have 3 children.

I'd just like a little more stress around timings.

Show quote history

In that case I'd have a talk with him and tell him that it stresses you out and ruins going to these events for you. I'd also consider telling him earlier timings (ie half an hour earlier than needed), or last resort just start to leave without him. Good luck 🙂

Sunnygirl07 · 18/03/2023 19:46

It's because he is a time bender (like me:)) but I've trained myself.

So he has to want to train himself and work on himself to improve.

Sunnygirl07 · 18/03/2023 19:49

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 19:51

I would have killed him by now. I honestly couldn't live with someone like that. Let me guess, while he's fucking around with his thumb up his arse, you're the one stuck doing absolutely everything else. How convenient for him.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 18/03/2023 20:36

Easy solution this one,,,if you have to be somewhere at 12 then tel him you have to be there for 11 ..I do this with my dh and kids it works cos he still wont be ready on time but you will still be early so win win for you. He wont change so you need to work smarter to get your own way!

Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 20:47

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 18/03/2023 20:36

Easy solution this one,,,if you have to be somewhere at 12 then tel him you have to be there for 11 ..I do this with my dh and kids it works cos he still wont be ready on time but you will still be early so win win for you. He wont change so you need to work smarter to get your own way!

People including yourself and the op shouldn’t need to do that though. Why can’t the person who is causing the lateness tell themselves to be ready an hour early so they can do their slow ‘routine’ or whatever it is that causes everyone else to be late. Plus there’s a chance that they would cotton on and just think “I’m being told porkies so no need to rush to be ready early”.
The fact someone needs to organise another person’s routine so that they don’t cause any delays is absolutely draining. I’ve been in a similar situation before where it just became downright draining and almost to the point of being emotionally abusive when I was getting stressed out about being late while they couldn’t give a damn.

Wrongsideofpennines · 18/03/2023 20:50

My husband is like this. Its infuriating. I tell him every time we are late how upset it makes me and yet he doesn't seem to be able to do anything to change it. I tell him he should go for a shower first. So I get our daughter ready, get the bags ready, load the car etc to the point I literally can't do anything else. Then I shower and get dressed and he is still not ready. Like how has he not been able to put his socks on in 20 minutes?!

He just has no urgency about him. But if I leave without him then this just causes me more stress because then I arrive and people question why he isn't there, and think I'm the rude one for going without him.