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Original poster

Can I forgive him

48 replies

Winefan · 17/03/2023 21:46

I've just learnt my husband of 24 years has cheated on me, but it was 13 years ago, in a massage parlor. I know, grey area. It happened 3 times, he paid for the "massage" then came home. We have a lovely life, 2 amazing kids (grown up), I just don't get it. He told me 3 weeks ago after he felt guilty. I'm so upset, I love this man so much, but I've always struggled with my confidence, now I feel even worse. He says he's sorry and that he'll do anything to make it up to me, but can I forgive? Can I move on knowing he was intimate with someone else? I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2023 21:48

Why on Earth did he tell you?! Is it likely he’s done something else shitty and is making himself feel better by confessing to this?

No one knows if you can forgive him. He’s kept this from you for 13 years, I’d be wondering what else I don’t know.

Original poster
Winefan · 17/03/2023 21:53

I've looked through his phone I've searched his emails, he gave me his phone for a few days to prove he wasn't doing anything, I think he was possibly thinking of doing it again I don't know. All I know is I feel so shit about myself now knowing he felt the need to pay for it. He said it was thrill seeking. I don't think he's cheating on me if he is he's good at hiding it.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 17/03/2023 21:55

I think it is also very selfish of him to tell you after so long - he is doing this to make himself feel better and absolve himself of it but he’s just offloaded it onto you… its your problem now…

Bibonelove · 17/03/2023 22:10

Thats so sad , I'd want to forgive but could never forget , it would mess my head up , sorry no advice , just a big hug

Original poster
Winefan · 17/03/2023 22:11

Thank you so much, I really needed that. I am so upset tonight, I suppose a bit lost. Thanks for being kind x

OP posts:
Albertus · 17/03/2023 22:12

Don’t know why he told you unless he’s up to something else!

I don’t know. I’d wager in your situation you’ll probably opt to keep things as they are because it’s easier and it was many years ago, but you’ll probably resent him for the rest of your life and see him differently.

Its sad.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2023 22:18

Get rid of him for being such a collosal, selfish prick as to tell you this so many years down the line. He told you because he wanted to hurt you, and he thinks it was so long ago that it would be unreasonable for you to leave him because of it and he's currently up to something else. There is no other reason.

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 22:26

It was 13 years ago. If you know the whole truth I feel like you could get past it - but the problem is how will you ever know? He needs to be honest about why he told you.

googledidnthelp · 17/03/2023 22:29

Which scenario feels worse, splitting up over something that happened 13 years or staying together and not being able to forgive?

I'd want to know why he is telling me now before making any rash decisions.

Dacadactyl · 17/03/2023 22:30

I'm sorry OP, but I really dont believe that hes only done it 3 times. If he was my husband, it would shake me to my core because a) hes cheated and more importantly, b) he wouldnt be the man he thought i was if he had paid someone for sex.

Can you forgive? Well, maybe. It will take a lot of work and counselling to get to that point.

Me personally? I couldnt, mainly because of point b) above.

Marchforward · 17/03/2023 22:33

Grey area? Paying for sex in my opinion is worse than cheating. There is a good chance those women have been coerced into being paid for sex. Why is he telling you now? Is more about to come out? Is he going to tell you that you need an sti test?

Opentooffers · 17/03/2023 22:51

I also have no idea why it's an area that's any greyer than a ONS or an affair? It's at least as bad - worse actually because on top of cheating he's the sort of man who gets a till from using prostitutes, thTs a deeper character flaw.
After all this time it's impossible that you would of found out, so there is more to this than meets the eye. He's managed to keep this 13 years so far, so I highly doubt that he couldn't have taken it to the grave. The worst guilt would of been shortly after it happened, therefore, guilt isn't the reason for saying now.
Maybe he wants to split and has told you something that is likely to make that happen, or perhaps if you don't have a physical relationship anymore, he thinks it won't matter as much - only you know how intimacy has been between you lately - have there been changes in that department?

OnNaturesCourse · 17/03/2023 23:06

OP - questions I'd be asking...

  • why are you telling me this now?
  • what did you want to achieve by telling me?
  • was it "planned" the first time?
  • why did it continue to happen?
  • why did it stop?
  • has there been any other sexual encounters with anyone else since or before?
Devilwearprada · 17/03/2023 23:31

From a personal perspective I might be able to get over a drunken one night stand or a happy ending in a massage parlour 20 years ago, couldn't get over a full blown affair that had gone on for months or years with proclamations of love and possible plans to elope etc behind my back. That's feels a lot worse. That's me though, others will undoubtedly feel differently on this.

Puppers · 17/03/2023 23:38

Worse than the infidelity for me would be the fact that he has paid to sexually exploit a woman. He will be aware that an enormous number of women and girls are trafficked or coerced into sex work. So how did he verify that the female he had sex with was not a minor? Was not coerced or trafficked? Actually consented to the sex and wasn't just desperate for cash or under duress? The obvious answer is that he doesn't know any of that, didn't even ask and couldn't give a shit.

There's no way in hell I could remain married to that kind of man.

WidthofaLine · 17/03/2023 23:49

He's had his head turned and wants you to throw him out, at least for a short time so he can be single for a bit.

Go and see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to.

This has nothing to do with the sex he had 13 years ago.

Dancingdoggo · 17/03/2023 23:57

Oh OP I’m so sorry you must be so confused and devastated.
Id be asking for him to leave to give me some space.

Personally I know I couldn’t stay with him. The trust would be gone and I would not have respect for someone who is willing to pay for sex.

The fact he lied then but has gone on to destroy you now seemingly out the blue feels worse somehow. He took away your choice to act clearly at the time and yet is willing to cause significant harm and hurt to you now for what?

There must be some reason he’s suddenly come clean. I wonder if someone else was about to tell you?

Do you feel you could talk to a trusted friend for some support? You should feel no shame and you will need people to help
look after you right now.

MysteryBelle · 18/03/2023 00:04

No.

MysteryBelle · 18/03/2023 00:06

WidthofaLine · 17/03/2023 23:49

He's had his head turned and wants you to throw him out, at least for a short time so he can be single for a bit.

Go and see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to.

This has nothing to do with the sex he had 13 years ago.

This. Take heed.

Aussiegirl123456 · 18/03/2023 00:06

Oh OP, just a big hug.
Take some time to work through your roller coaster of feelings and look after yourself first and foremost.

It is unfair he has told you this now. He may feel better offloading his guilt, however he’s offloaded that onto you, where I can only imagine how hurt and confused you must be feeling. Do you have anyone you’re able to chat to IRL? That may help a lot. But take time and take care of yourself.

WidthofaLine · 18/03/2023 00:09

This is not guilt.

No man who is capable of concealing a lie for 13 years is so stupid as to confess this.

He is preparing you for dissapointment.

AubadeIsIt · 18/03/2023 00:19

And then he handed over his phone and said look through it? Proves absolutely nothing. I agree with other posters: why now.

Ghostbuster2639 · 18/03/2023 00:42

He wants out.

TennisWithDeborah · 18/03/2023 00:51

Is it possible that he wants you to ask him to leave for some reason? Or was someone threatening to tell you? You need to get him to be honest about his motives for confessing I think.

Some advice from a solicitor about the marital home, pensions etc etc would not go amiss so that you know where you stand if that is the road you opt to take, or are forced to take.

Good luck OP.

monsteramunch · 18/03/2023 00:52

Puppers · 17/03/2023 23:38

Worse than the infidelity for me would be the fact that he has paid to sexually exploit a woman. He will be aware that an enormous number of women and girls are trafficked or coerced into sex work. So how did he verify that the female he had sex with was not a minor? Was not coerced or trafficked? Actually consented to the sex and wasn't just desperate for cash or under duress? The obvious answer is that he doesn't know any of that, didn't even ask and couldn't give a shit.

There's no way in hell I could remain married to that kind of man.

Absolutely this.

Decent men do not run the risk of contributing to a woman's abuse, coercion, rape and trafficking to pay for an orgasm.

Even if the risk they were doing so was low (it isn't, it's high), the fact they are willing to take it is disgusting.