Can I forgive him

[Winefan]

I've just learnt my husband of 24 years has cheated on me, but it was 13 years ago, in a massage parlor. I know, grey area. It happened 3 times, he paid for the "massage" then came home. We have a lovely life, 2 amazing kids (grown up), I just don't get it. He told me 3 weeks ago after he felt guilty. I'm so upset, I love this man so much, but I've always struggled with my confidence, now I feel even worse. He says he's sorry and that he'll do anything to make it up to me, but can I forgive? Can I move on knowing he was intimate with someone else? I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been through this?

@monsteramunch what a ridiculous statement. Spitting out untruths like facts doesn't make it a fact. Trafficked sex workers in the UK make up 4-5 per cent at most, and that's overstating the numbers.

Im not agreeing with prostitution or saying any of this situation is great, it's not, i just get tired of generalisations and sweeping statements. Sure they'll be men who aren't decent who pay for sex, they'll also be men who are just lonely, disabled, disfigured, who resort to paying for company. I used to work with army vets in rehabilitation who had severe disabilities, and realistically most of them will never have a normal relationship. I pity them, but certainly wouldnt call them not decent if that was their only contact with the opposite sex.

Anyway thats not the point, if it were me the idea of a full blown affair with love involved would be more of a betrayal than a happy ending message decades ago, but thats just my opinion, im sure others will disagree and thats fine.

I would have a big problem with the fact he lied and lied well, as I am assuming you knew nothing about this. If he can lie so easily about something like this then he can, and probably does lie about lots of other things.I think you have to cover all the points covered by a pp, as in really try and understand why and how this happened, unless you decide it’s over then easy days, you don’t need to try and understand anything
I totally agree with everyone else though, why now? There is a definite reason why he has chosen now to tell you. There will be something else that’s going to come out now. Very few people will voluntarily risk upsetting the apple cart for something that happened so long ago, and for something they have probably excused themself for a long time ago. Agree that possibly he is looking for a way out, or there is worse to come. I’m sorry op, I can never understand why people do this kind of thing, unless they rely on never getting caught. Only you can decide if the years you’ve spent together have been good enough to overlook this, or this is a dealbreaker

How is it a grey area? It’s 100% cheating. How is it a grey area?

And worse than that, he then lied to for 13 years. He decided to change a key principle of your marriage and didn’t tell you. Didn’t respect you enough to give you the choice about wether to continue the marriage.

and worse than that, contributed to the abuse of women. It’s worse than if he cheated with a colleague, as an example.

But come one, you say you don’t think he is still cheating on you. But you aren’t happy. Why else were you going through his emails etc. why did you need keep his phone for a few days? Clearly there’s a lot going.

It's not just about trafficked women though is it? Aside from those specific victims there are others who are doing it out of economic desperation, or to feed a drug addiction, or because they are being pimped (coercion, violence etc). The "happy hooker" is a much rarer case than the stats you claim represent trafficked sex workers. The overwhelming majority of prostitutes are not doing what they do because they want to.

"I'm not agreeing with prostitution or saying any of this situation is great...."

And then you go on to show that you believe there are circumstances where you think it is acceptable/justifiable for men to use prostitutes. If you had that much sympathy for your injured vets why didn't you just sort them out yourself? Or is it OK for other women to be dehumanised but not you?

@WalkingThroughTreacle excellent point, well made

I know, grey area

To me cheating is not a grey area.

The walls of a massage parlour or brothel (which is what massage parlours that provide sexual services are) or even a lsp dancing club are not magical things that make what would be cheating outside them; somehow not cheating inside them.

Much as some men would like to make everyone believe that they are.

I don't care if the person they're cheating with is a sex worker.... I'm not in a relationship with them; I'm in a relationship with the person having sexual.contact/interaction with them and that's what matters.

It's cheating.

He told me 3 weeks ago after he felt guilty.

Why hasn't he felt guilty enough to tell for 13 years ... If he did it (3 times).13 years ago??

Something is missing here.

While I don't want to upset you, it's also the case that men who.cheat and/or use sex workers tend to tell their partners the tip of the iceberg.

That sort of behaviour is often quite addictive/compulsive and it's very strange indeed that he did it 3 times out of the blue, and not before or since. I have to wonder if you are getting a cut down/censored version of what yes done, so that he can tell himself yes told you about his actions, but is representing it in a minimal way that gives him the best chance of not being dumped and divorced.

Trafficked sex workers in the UK make up 4-5 per cent at most, and that's overstating the numbers.

How the fuck would anyone ever get a realistic grasp on what ratio of sex workers are trafficked; they're trafficked!! They are not in the system here and may not be discovered at any point.

UK punting reviewers describe most massage parlour sex workers as east Asian and speaking little to no English. East Asian people have no automatic right of residence here. Their lack of English makes them easy to isolate and control. Their are gangs - organised crime involved in the trafficking and the prostitution establishments. Their culture is not one that has women equal on the hierarchy.

Morever "trafficking" does not cover any of the other issues rife in the sex industry.... Exploitation, deprivation, drug addiction, abusive "relationships", gang involvement, mental health issues. It is zero coincidence that the beautiful young women working as prostitutes murdered by the Ipswich serial killer were all drug addicts.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. What an awful shock.

Firstly I suspect your comment re ‘grey area’ is actually more around you trying to minimise what he’s done in your head so you can continue with the relationship. It’s important you call a spade a spade. If (and it’s a big if) he’s being straight up honest, then you have to really come to terms with what he actually did that put you in direct harm physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally.

It doesn’t matter what a whole heap of mumsnetters feel is a bigger crime re cheating, it matters what you think and can come to terms with. I know people who going to sex workers would be an absolute deal breaker (for reasons outlined around sex work) but who can come to terms with an emotional and physical affair with a consenting affair partner. Always horses for courses.

Forgiveness is overrated for a lot of betrayed partners in reconciliation they talk about acceptance that it happened and a willingness to move forward, not forgiveness.

Personally I’d not trust his sudden need for honesty. Something feels off. I can see he gave you the illusion of transparency by handing his phone over etc but he had plenty of time to clear devices as this was a planned disclosure so means very little.

I’d dig deeper. I’m so sorry but I agree with other posters… this feels off.

Why on warty did he tell you? If it was to ease his conscious then it's increasingly selfish of him, as it only benefits him. Shows his true selfish self.

Just because it was years ago, doesn't make it any less painful, infact I think it makes it worse, because it means you've been living a lie with this man for the past 13 years, in my opinion it marrs any special occasion.

The prostitutes described by most UK punting reviewers are also, in the majority, immigrants/migrants with poor English and from regions with gang culture. They are often described as having an attitude, being surly and click watching .... Ie they do not want to be doing that!. Their pimps are sometimes mentioned.
This is the McDonald's, bread and butter, standard end of the sex industry - not the elite "empowered" escorts working in 5 star hotel BS that people tell themselves is the sex industry.

Personally I’d not trust his sudden need for honesty. Something feels off. I can see he gave you the illusion of transparency by handing his phone over etc but he had plenty of time to clear devices as this was a planned disclosure so means very little.

This.

*clock watching

I think you should ask him to accompany you to marriage guidance counselling. This is a big issue to unpick and there are all your years of marriage at stake so I think you need a supportive professional to guide you through this.
In my own case, my exh only revealed the real truth of his infidelity during a counselling session. Once I knew the real truth I could make decisions.
He has lied to you for a long time and you can't trust he will tell you the truth now so I think you need the support of a third party with no emotional involvement to get to the bottom of this.

Ps lots of love and good luck. I know how bewildering and painful this all is. x

Honestly, if it was me no. However, I worked in sexual health in the late 1980’s so I am paranoid about living a lie and ending up with an STI because of a cheating spouse. I treated so many patients that found themselves in this predicament. I’m not a prude, I don’t judge others and I even have friends in open marriages and I also respect all those that work in the adult sex industry if that is their choice. However, a spouse that betrayed and lied to me I would never forgive or respect. That is only my opinion and it’s based on my life experiences. If you do decide to forgive that is your choice and it doesn’t matter what others think they would do. So long as you can forgive and move on that’s all that matters.

cheated on me, but it was 13 years ago, in a massage parlor. I know, grey area. It happened 3 times, he paid for the "massage" then came home.

You seem to be presuming (and he is no doubt saying) that it was a massage with a hand job. But you don't actually know .. they offer other sex acts as well.
It would also be easy to escalate and try something new/more each time you went.

If you went to a male escort who offered sexual massages and got more or less naked, and he got more or less naked, and he then rubbed/fingered you to orgasm .... At least three times and you then went home to your husband, and lied to him about your activities..... Would it be a "grey area"?

Why give men so much leeway for infidelity that women would not be given.

Would your husband see that (if you did it) as a grey area?

Why did he tell you?

To make himself feel better?
Because he's cheating again?
Because he's caught something?
Because he wants you to end things?

Doesn't matter really. He cheated.

The phone thing is a ploy. He would have deleted anything before he told you.

There is no way on this earth that he has sat on this secret for 13 years and then suddenly decided to spill the beans now: because he feels soooo guilty.

There is something else behind this sudden revelation, it'll only be a matter of time before you find out exactly what.

Brace yourself, this is the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with this, whether he’s told you everything or not it’s going to be complex to work through emotionally and professional guidance would help you both to decide what’s best for you moving forward.

There’s no way he’s kept this to himself for 13 years then suddenly told you now because he feels guilty.

There will be a reason, I’d prepare yourself for more confessions or strange behaviour.