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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separating not married

32 replies

001vhud · 17/03/2023 06:14

I don’t know where I stand. I am coming out of a 22 year relationship but I am not married and the house is in my ex partner’s name. He was always the higher earner and I the homemaker. I am scared that don’t think I am entitled to anything from the house which is paid off now. I can’t afford to move out. We don’t have children together just from previous relationships. Can he force me out of the property. I don’t know where to turn?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 17/03/2023 06:19

You’re in a very vulnerable position and this is exactly why marriage is really important for women who give up their job to raise children when not married. If you were married you’d own half the property and have a right to make a claim on some of his pension. You should legal advice to see if there’s anything you can do.

Josette77 · 17/03/2023 06:19

I would look into getting a job.
I am not sure you have any rights to the house. Have you ever paid towards the mortgage?

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 06:24

Yeah you need to get a job asap.

If you don’t have children together and together 22 years, your children must be adults. Nor are they his so no CSA payments. You don’t have the right to stay in the house.

You don’t legally own anything he owns. If you have paid the mortgage or home improvements, you might be able to get something. But it will be a fairly long legal process to do so. Quite expensive if he fights you.

MintJulia · 17/03/2023 06:34

How old are you OP? If you haven't contributed to the mortgage, then I don't think you have any claim.

Do you have any savings? At the very least, you are going to need a few months rent as a deposit on a flat. If not, hopefully he will help with that. And you need a job, quickly.

Do you have a pension? What about NI payments for the last 22 years?

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2023 06:58

OMG op. You likely have no claim on his pension or his house. Surely you did not assume you did, given you are not married? Please tell me you have savings. You urgently need legal advice and to get a job.

Lefteyetwitch · 17/03/2023 07:03

You are not automatically entitled to anything.
How were you a homemaker if you had no children together?
Yes he can evict you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/03/2023 07:07

Hey
my Ex was you , in that I was the breadwinner and owned the property
not married either

he did however have his own property from overseas and saving from what I gave him

ill share with you what I learnt from consulting two family solicitors

  • you only have a right for money for child maintenance , as you don’t have shared kids this is null and void
  • any other money due will need to be fought in court , again as not married it’s a grey area - you may get money but you also may not

you have to start working basically
and you have to start earning as an immediate priority like NOW
you could focus your energy on being upset as yes this feels unfair and it is - but its wasted energy

if he evicts you all you , and you have children under 18 and have lived in the borough for 4 years you will also have a case for homelessness and a council property

Im sorry , and you will need to get yourself strong and focused

Citizens advice can help advise and id suggest you contact them asap to understand your position re housing and benefits

EyesOnThePies · 17/03/2023 07:12

Are you able to show that you paid towards the mortgage? Did you put any money into the house?

Londontoderby · 17/03/2023 07:17

It’s not worth you fighting him because you are entitled to nothing. If someone rents and pays a mortgage for 22 years they don’t automatically own the house because of it, the house still belongs to the owner.
This is why marriage is important, it’s protection.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 17/03/2023 07:26

I work in a department that sees a lot of cases like this. The options are generally private lets, or you'd be pointed towards a hostel with your own room but shared kitchen and bathroom.

Wontbringlulu · 17/03/2023 07:28

Please get legal advice OP and do it as soon as possible.

MichelleScarn · 17/03/2023 09:45

How old are yours/his children? Was a need for childcare why you became a 'homemaker' ?
Also assuming if they are not children of the relationship they are all adults now?

whumpthereitis · 17/03/2023 10:39

I’m assuming you didn’t contribute to the mortgage if you were a homemaker? He’s paid to house and support you (and your children) your over two decades, allowing you to stay home and raise said children, without you making financial contribution?

You may have thought at the time it was a good deal, but in reality you’ve squandered the opportunity you had and have allowed yourself to be incredibly vulnerable. You’ve been unemployed for 22 years with nothing to your name, entirely reliant on your partner who has now withdrawn his funding as he was, and is, fully entitled to do. It’s highly unlikely that you’re entitled to anything.

Original poster
001vhud · 17/03/2023 12:14

I have worked continuously through our relationship. Maybe homemaker is a wrong choice of words. I gave up working full time to part time to support him in looking after his 2 children as he was a widower and when they grew up and left home I went back to full time employment. He was always the higher wage earner and yes I did contribute to many bills etc over the years just not the mortgage directly. So now I am 53 years old and I feel used and I know it is my fault for now sorting things out legally I was too trusting. The only thing joint we had is a will do if one of us died the other got the house .

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 17/03/2023 12:18

My understanding as others have said is that there is no entitlement to the house for you as you are not married.

Think the best thing to do is get legal advice asap.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/03/2023 12:25

It's a horrible situation to be in OP. It's good that you're working - do you have savings? If not, do you think he'd be amenable to giving you money for deposit and first month's rent to help you out?

I think from what you've said it's unlikely you'll be legally entitled to anything - but it would be fair to ask him to help, in recognition of the contribution you've made over the years with childcare, enabling him to work on his career and providing a stable home for his children.

Skeuomorph · 17/03/2023 12:36

The only thing joint we had is a will do if one of us died the other got the house

I’m confused by this bit. If the house isn’t yours, how could you leave it to anybody?

EyesOnThePies · 17/03/2023 12:36

The only thing joint we had is a will do if one of us died the other got the house .

So is your name on the house in any way? Deeds? Because how could you have a will leaving the house to him if no share in it was ever yours to give?

Did a lawyer do this will?

Indeed it does look as if you have been used. Does he acknowledge the contribution he made to supporting his ability to earn by swapping half your paid job to do childcare? Is the break up amicable? Would he prepared to enter some negotiation and give you a deposit for a rental, for example? Half the savings?

thegirlyupnorth · 17/03/2023 12:38

Unfortunately in law you aren't entitled to anything. He has been very clever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2023 13:02

Your post should act as a salutary warning to others in similar situations.

Is this break up amicable or does he want you out of his life asap?.

You've been well and truly used here by him. There is no provision for you in law.

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 13:38

Why would you need a will leaving the house to anyone? Do you mean if you died after him?

His kids have to be at least 22. If you worked PT to only look after them, you could have been back full time for at least half of your relationship. You also have kids, were you also looking after your own?

That’s not a home maker. You work. So you will be ok.

Did you ever ask why you were paying towards bills but Not the mortgage?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/03/2023 13:44

001vhud · 17/03/2023 12:14

I have worked continuously through our relationship. Maybe homemaker is a wrong choice of words. I gave up working full time to part time to support him in looking after his 2 children as he was a widower and when they grew up and left home I went back to full time employment. He was always the higher wage earner and yes I did contribute to many bills etc over the years just not the mortgage directly. So now I am 53 years old and I feel used and I know it is my fault for now sorting things out legally I was too trusting. The only thing joint we had is a will do if one of us died the other got the house .

You need to get proper legal advice.

in your initial posts it sounds like you have no claim, but if you have joint / mirror wills regarding the house then it suggests you do… You need to find out your position legally properly.

MichelleScarn · 17/03/2023 14:24

Of course homemaker isn't right term then, am confused as to why you think it was?!

Naunet · 17/03/2023 14:27

001vhud · 17/03/2023 06:14

I don’t know where I stand. I am coming out of a 22 year relationship but I am not married and the house is in my ex partner’s name. He was always the higher earner and I the homemaker. I am scared that don’t think I am entitled to anything from the house which is paid off now. I can’t afford to move out. We don’t have children together just from previous relationships. Can he force me out of the property. I don’t know where to turn?

Yes, it’s his house. You surely knew that giving up your job and living with a man you aren’t married to, wouldn’t entitle you to anything?

Naunet · 17/03/2023 14:31

001vhud · 17/03/2023 12:14

I have worked continuously through our relationship. Maybe homemaker is a wrong choice of words. I gave up working full time to part time to support him in looking after his 2 children as he was a widower and when they grew up and left home I went back to full time employment. He was always the higher wage earner and yes I did contribute to many bills etc over the years just not the mortgage directly. So now I am 53 years old and I feel used and I know it is my fault for now sorting things out legally I was too trusting. The only thing joint we had is a will do if one of us died the other got the house .

Ridiculous. You gave up your job to look after HIS children without even being married or on the mortgage? Why would you do such a thing? I mean it’s too late now obviously, but that is insanely irresponsible. You feel used because you have been.

No point dwelling though, time to get a plan in gear. Can you prove that you’ve been contributing all this time? I’d suggest you get legal advice, there are cases where unmarried women have been able to make a claim on the house, and that’s possibly your best hope in getting anything out if this relationship.

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