Feeling sidelined by boyfriends ex

[Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller]

I have posted before about my boyfriends rather enmeshed relationship with his ex (separated not yet divorced - two children). We have been together just over a year but have talked seriously about the future etc.

My boyfriend is from another country as is his ex, they moved here for his work.

In January he took me to meet his family. A few days after we returned he told me he had just found out from his father that his ex had rang them and invited them over to stay. They haven’t visited in 8 years so the timing of the invite seemed interesting. I had invited them to stay the exact same week whilst I was there.

This ex has been friendly to me but also has overstepped lots of boundaries such as sending lots of selfies to my BF when we had our first trip away, messaging and ringing a lot when he is with me (not child related). When we returned from visit to his family she apparently got very upset that he doesn’t stay and chat with her any more when he collects the children. She ended their relationship.

My BF’s parents have said this will be their last trip here as they are elderly, so it is my only opportunity to host my potential in-laws. My BF is being very sketchy about arrangements and the visit is 3 weeks away. From bits I have picked up she has taken charge of arrangements, such as arranging a special meal for one of their birthdays etc.

Am I unfair to feel uncomfortable with this? I am not sure if it is a culmination of her regularly calling rank, making her presence known - or if I am just jealous of her. Either way I don’t like the way it makes me feel (or think). I feel angry at BF for not managing his boundaries better too.

If he's being sketchy then he probably knows exactly what has been arranged. You're not being unfair. Unfortunately she has their gdc as ammo as of course they'll want to spend time with them. I'd be well passed off. Youre5 being sidelined and your bf is colluding with his ex. Probably won't change unless you have dc with him. Ex probably has leverage over him because of dc.

He’s the issue, you don’t trust him and I’d feel the same way.

Thanks @NonsenseBinary - I feel the same about his sketchy-ness. We have fallen out in the past about her, so I think he knows I will be upset. But delaying me finding it out seems pretty cowardly!

It sounds as if you are locked in competition with your boyfriend’s ex over IL hosting — why? Surely it’s him who is ‘hosting’ his parents and issuing invitations rather than a girlfriend who has met his parents once?

And obviously his ex will be involved in their stay; presumably they’ve known her for a long time, she’s the same nationality as them, and she’s the mother of their grandchildren.

I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by treating this as a territory battle.

If it's really their last trip, then they are going to prioritise the GC over everything. Your BF knows this, and knows what's planned, so is coming over as sketchy. Whether that's a deal breaker, I don't actually know... it probably doesn't feel great but facilitating one nice final holiday between his ex, his kids and his parents might be something liveable with if he's otherwise a good guy.

@Corcomroe I can see how it looks that way. There is the bigger picture of the other things which contribute to this feeling uncomfortable.

He didn’t invite his family, she did. He didn’t know about it until his father rang him. In fact he is working for 4 of the 7 days they are here.

Why is it obvious that an ex would be involved in a family visit? A meal or day out yes but to invite them and arrange it without their sons knowledge? His father rang him before he booked flights as he found it odd the invite had come from her. I am now his partner, he took me to his home country to meet his family and friends and they hosted me for a week.

Also for context prior to this they hadn’t visited for 8 years as his ex found them stressful. She invited them days after we returned home.

I also accept there could be part of me triggered by jealousy/insecurity hence me asking for opinions.

@LaviniasBigBloomers He is a good guy. He is just a bit of an avoider of difficult conversations and not the best at boundaries.

I question if maybe deep down I worry that is happy for her to do all of this because he likes her being involved/wishes they were still that family.

She’s their grandchildren’s mother and they’ve known her a lot longer than you.

Either she hosts or he does. You’re their son’s girlfriend of a year - why would you?

It does sound that they are still entangled, but also possibly that you are trying to push things too fast. It’s odd that you would invite your boyfriend’s parents to stay rather than leave it to him.

I would accept this is going to move a bit slower than you thought, or move on.

This woman will always be in your life as mother of his DC. Even if you marry and have DC of your own. At a year in, she's already making life difficult and causing arguments between you and bf - it won't get better in time.

As lovely as he may be, can you really cope with her for the rest of your life? Because they're a package deal, because of his lack of boundaries. I too would be worried that he still has some feelings for her or at the very least isn't completely over her ending things. I'm divorced and would be very pissed off if my ex was making plans with my parents directly and sending me lots of selfies... it's weird that he doesn't seem to mind. Is he a people pleaser who hates confrontation? If so, it might be an uphill battle to get him to change AND the constant friction will wear you and the relationship down.

Thanks @Luredbyapomegranate without the context of her other behaviours I see your point.

I was invited to meet his family as our relationship is heading in a serious direction, he had met a lot of my family and friends and wanted me to meet his. He pushes the speed of the relationship more than me I would say in general.

The invite for them to stay came about as he was saying he would love for them to come and visit - including his siblings and partners/children. His house has no spare rooms and mine does and is in a holiday type location so I offered.

Your point about the speed is fair - I have been carried away with meeting someone so nice after almost 10 single years!

@ganvough He is very much a people pleaser! When we have clashed over his ex previously (like with the selfies) he tells me he has dealt with it etc but I do wonder what he actually says.

I completely accept that as the children’s mother she will always be around, I have been on the other side and hope I have learnt how it feels when another women is with your children etc. I try hard in that respect. But I don’t feel it coming back. She oversteps and wants to be involved in everything. For example she was upset that she wasn’t invited to the birthday meal I cooked for him!

I think the friction is wearing me down. Every holiday/event/milestone I am now thinking how will she get involved. Oh dear!

OP, his parents are more than old enough to decide where they wish to stay. Seemingly, they have been offered 2 invites, it should be left to then to decide. Neither your partner nor his ex should pressure these people. It would seem that regardless of where they stay, there should be time enough to spend with everyone.

The goal of the visit should be to make it a pleasant experience for the somewhat elderly parents particularly as they have stated that this will be their last visit.

From their perspective ,she is their former daughter in-law ,and your are perhaps one day going to be their future daughter in -law, so they may feel that it is 6 in one hand and a half dozen in the other hand. They mar be better off staying in a hotel or airb&b. If there are grandchildren involved, they may want to stay where they can spend the most time in the company of their grandchildren.

If everyone focuses on ensuring that the parents have a good visit , then all should go well.

thanks @Mari9999 really nicely put. And of course you are right.
It is the other ongoing issues that have built up to made me feel so strange about it perhaps.
I need to step back and get some perspective on if I can deal with the dominant presence of his ex in my life.

She ended their relationship.

Hardly surprising. Being with an avoidant, people pleaser is so fucking annoying and wearing. You can't trust them. They play victim. They hide things. They pretend they are helpless. All the stuff you are finding out now @Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller.

Bin him.

A different perspective i am the ex wife in a similar situation I actively have distanced myself from ex mil and fil as ex husband now has a partner. I have been accused of being disrespectful as I no longer call or message by ex husband I had a good relationship with them and it really affected how they felt about the new partner also mil and fil live abroad and expressed they preferred to stay with me when they plan on visiting I feel that will just cause more harm than good. I think ex wife in your situation is controlling this situation far too much

It’s very frustrating @TooBigForMyBoots He does play the victim at times - as if he is stuck in the middle ‘trying to keep everyone happy’ argggh!

Thanks @Daisytigermay that’s interesting. I do understand and respect her place as mother to their grandchildren etc. I think it’s the fact she is acting as she would do as a wife (except she didn’t when they were together!) But my BF is responsible for telling her not to arrange meals etc. He hasn’t and that isn’t her fault.

It feels like she is ever present. It’s honestly like a ‘there is 3 of us in this relationship’ type thing.

OP, do yourself a favour and seriously consider whether this is going to work for you long term.
I was naive in the early stages of my relationship. My DH’s lack of boundaries and avoidance have been the source of many arguments, and great stress and anxiety on my part.
Granted DH did set some boundaries early on in the relationship with his ex when he realised our relationship was at stake, but as time went on the boundaries became blurred again as he was worried that he wouldn’t get to see his DC (his ex is “one of those” women).
Don’t think it will change if you get married, it won’t. Don’t think it will change if you have kids, it won’t.

In your current situation, his ex is manipulating things because she’s jealous and feeling replaced. Best thing you can do is rise above it, let the in-laws do as they see fit and just meet up with them at some point during the visit - be a united front with your DP. If his ex found them too much previously she will certainly feel it now she’s no longer their family, so let her mess this up on her own.

… she is so present, all the time…she knows his every move!!

These were your words in November and they’re still true. The Ex had actually sent 30 messages/selfies to him while you were having dinner during your first weekend away.

I participated in that thread and spoke of your P’s toxic enmeshment/reliance and porous boundaries, and as well as your triangulation to accommodate their co-dependence.

I have reread that thread, and recall the excellent comments of @SapatSea, who identified (1) Ex’s craving the power position of ‘Top Dog’ in P’s life and (2) her agenda of looping you in and keeping you close as a power play.

@Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller, I stand by my opinion that your relationship will never truly progress and you’ll never have peace of mind as long as P refuses to acknowledge and break their co-dependent bond.

This is who he is!!!!! Accept that his poor boundaries and avoidant tendencies will always take priority or don’t. The version of him that doesn’t behave this way isn’t waiting around the corner. The balls in your court but I would advise you stop competing with his Ex because you risk going down a rabbit hole for an emotionally immature man.

Pssst, his Ex can’t overstep boundaries he doesn’t have.

You have posted before, 5 months back.
Nothing seems to have changed. You have a partner problem. No clear boundaries.

For example she was upset that she wasn’t invited to the birthday meal I cooked for him!

Jesus, none of this sounds worth it. Don’t cling to a shitty relationship because you’ve been single for a long time.

Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller

im concerned you are making a year long relationship with someone who is VERY entangled into something more
committed

he isn’t yet divorced
but more critically he’s entangled !!
he could impose boundaries , protect your relationship and minimise communications

but he isn’t and it’s because he doesn’t WANT to
he won’t admit it but he loves what this is doing to his Ex is my bet

Look I know it’s not pleasant to read and he’s your lover and your in love etc

But this is not going to change and it’s going to grind you down and down x

I think it is slightly less weird that she is hosting them and getting. Involved in their arrangements than you, a girlfriend that they have met once. She des after all have their grandchildren and presumably had known them far longer than you have. But why either of you are managing his parents plans is behind me.

Anyway as it often said, the problem here is not the ex, it is your boyfriend,, it sounds like me wasn’t ready to move on in the first place.

My new partner is a bit like this. He’s never really properly broken up with anyone, and as a result has not only his ex but also a few ex girlfriends as close friends. It’s a real pain. He won’t keep an intimate space just for us and lets whoever is strong/needy enough dominate his time and capture his energy. I’ve pulled back my emotions a bit and I am going to give it a few months more to see change (which I’ve asked for), and then I’m off. It’s such a shame as like your boyfriend he’s lovely, a really nice partner in all other ways.

On a deeper level — the level of how you feel he wants to go back together with his ex: no I don’t think so, at all. I don’t think these residual intimacies are the saloon doors they look like with these sorts of guys. Actually my boyfriend seems quite clear about when things ended in his mind, his emotional cutoff points. He just is unable/unwilling to translate them into action with other people. He feels he must tolerate their overstepping, for some reason.

These sort of odd behavioural setups often come from childhood and I’d be willing to bet his parents are a huge key to this behaviour, which his ex probably knows. I’d keep your powder dry and observe. Distant father and mother he was super close to, whose confidante he became? Bingo.