Feeling sidelined by boyfriends ex

[Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller]

I have posted before about my boyfriends rather enmeshed relationship with his ex (separated not yet divorced - two children). We have been together just over a year but have talked seriously about the future etc.

My boyfriend is from another country as is his ex, they moved here for his work.

In January he took me to meet his family. A few days after we returned he told me he had just found out from his father that his ex had rang them and invited them over to stay. They haven’t visited in 8 years so the timing of the invite seemed interesting. I had invited them to stay the exact same week whilst I was there.

This ex has been friendly to me but also has overstepped lots of boundaries such as sending lots of selfies to my BF when we had our first trip away, messaging and ringing a lot when he is with me (not child related). When we returned from visit to his family she apparently got very upset that he doesn’t stay and chat with her any more when he collects the children. She ended their relationship.

My BF’s parents have said this will be their last trip here as they are elderly, so it is my only opportunity to host my potential in-laws. My BF is being very sketchy about arrangements and the visit is 3 weeks away. From bits I have picked up she has taken charge of arrangements, such as arranging a special meal for one of their birthdays etc.

Am I unfair to feel uncomfortable with this? I am not sure if it is a culmination of her regularly calling rank, making her presence known - or if I am just jealous of her. Either way I don’t like the way it makes me feel (or think). I feel angry at BF for not managing his boundaries better too.

Did partner bring his DC on the hol to see their grandparents?

it’s possible that this arrangement has been made in response to that if so.

@BananaBlue No they didn’t come as it was term time when we went. They spend all of their Summer holidays there each year then one more visit at Easter or half terms.

@Thelifeofawife Thank you, good to hear your experience. I am coming to realise that sadly. It is getting me down. I have a few bigger issues in my life at the moment and he is really supportive with them. I think maybe I was scared of making silly decisions when I am already emotional/sad but this is hurting me.

@MsDogLady Thank you for commenting again. Everything you said is right.
I do feel it’s a power play from her.
I can’t let the fact he is great otherwise muddy the fact he is allowing all this to happen whilst being aware it hurts me.

He is still married - you said it.
As far as his parents go they consider him to be so and then there are the GC.
They are maybe tolerating you as something that will die away. ( the relationship)
Walk away. If he means it he will step up.

Your boyfriend's ex isn't sidelining you - he is.

He's allowing her to keep communicating inappropriately, he's allowing her to take over the planning for his parents' visit, & he's cheerfully watching you perform the Pick-Me Dance, because it keeps you on your toes & viewing his ex as your competitor.

I can guarantee OP that he isnt worth all of this.
Imagine a relationship without all this drama, because the relationship you are in will always have you feeling like you do now. The ex is overstepping MASSIVELY and your DP is too weak today down Amy boundaries and I can tell you that if you try to lay down boundaries, he won't like it. Ignore anyone saying they have kids together blah blah, it does kids no good seeing their mother acting like this when their parents are separated, almost desperately?
If you have any sense at all you will end it. You are worth so much more than this crap.

Lay down any boundaries 🙄fat fingers sorry!

The reality is you are not happy being in a relationship with someone who is still very close with an ex. That's fine. It doesn't matter that other people would be happy or some would be paranoid and angry. You feel uncomfortable with it. Listen to your inner voice. You feel uncomfortable because something is off.

He knows you feel uncomfortable with it but still things don't seem to improve.

He's confusing you. He's not going to change. As someone else said.. he's encouraging the pick me dance.

Honestly, it's very unlikely any of this will change so think long and hard before you involve yourself any further.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu You are right, thank you

@jemimapuddlepluck Thank you. I told him very early on I didn’t want any drama and it’s still happened.

Damn right I'm right OP, but I appreciate this doesn't make things any less hurtful for you.

I just don't want yet another great young woman wasting herself on a man who isn't worth her time. You are being seriously disrespected by this geezer, & there are millions out there who would commit to you properly & treat you decently.

@IfonlyIdoneitsooner Thank you. I do have an uncomfortable feeling about it all. Probably more so since he had a night of her ringing/text upset because he doesn’t talk to her much any more. The son overheard her upset and sent some messages to his Dad then was very quiet with me the next time I saw him. It feels very raw suddenly. She seems to be unraveling more and I feel like the next step would be her trying to reconcile - maybe not because she wanted to but because she is so uncomfortable with him having someone else in his life.

Interestingly she had an on off relationship with a man who was still married (wife didn’t know about her) - he had a big birthday and his wife organised a family party. She was so upset he wouldn’t be celebrating with her (the OW) that she took off suddenly to another country for the weekend, leaving children with my BF on her weekend with them. So it’s not like her attitude is generally they everyone can all get along together etc.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu That’s the pep talk I need thank you. It’s frustrating and sad. After 10 years of being a single mum it was so nice to have someone for me, I had so many more social invites as a couple…He has been great helping me with my Dad’s terminal illness and my son’s autism diagnosis.
Those things I can”t fix sadly - but this I can. I know I can be ok on my own. And I won’t have the knot in my stomach of what she is going to do next.
Thanks again

Stay strong OP, you sound awesome. Bloody fool he is. PP's are right though, you will find yourself doing the pick me dance and it will mess with you. Good luck lovely!

OP, think this through carefully. The children's mother invited their paternal grandparents to come for a visit. If she expects to be hosting them, then planning a dinner party would not be inappropriate. Their son did not extend an invite so there is little that he should have to say on the subject.

You say that she is acting like a wife, but in this situation there is no wife. If they decide to accept your invitation, won't you be making plans to entertain and host them?

From their perspective, they are faced with a choice between staying with a former wife or staying with a possible future wife. In all likelihood they probably don't make much distinction between the two of you and may bear a bit of resentment towards their son for having a messy life. It sounds as though your. partner has a place of his own. It would have been reasonable for him to invite his parents to stay with him even if it meant his giving up his bedroom and bunking on a coach. That way his parents could have visited both you and the ex without all of the acrimony.

There seem to be 2 distinct lanes here. Your lane,the girlfriend lane, and the ex,mother of the grandchildren lane. The grandparents should not be expected to pick a lane. This is one hunt in which they have no dog.

The ex may want him back, but that is only relevant if it is possible that on some level he might feel the same way. He says that he is with you because he loves you. Getting involved in some kind of senseless power struggle between you and his ex is not a sign of respect . He may just realize that it does not matter where his parents stay for this short visit and he wants no part in the unnecessary drama. That is exercising common sense.

If your fear and concerns about the ex outweigh your love for him and your confidence in the ability of the 2 of you to comfortably manage your relationship, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.

Just over a year with a man with children and a wife he's not yet divorced from is very early days to be expecting to be living 'ex free'.
The advent of a new partner doesn't conveniently make the former disappear entirely so you can replace them. They have ongoing relationships with the wider family, and it can take years for these to fade to the level you'd be happy with.
If your partner seems inappropriately attached to her, that's a problem to address, but as far as the other things are concerned, I think it goes with the territory.

Boundaries are more for you to stick to, not other people.

You can have all the 'boundaries', expectations etc. that you want but they lose value if you stick around after your boundaries are crossed and expectations aren't met.

Back to your OP, if it's going to be the parents last visit here because they're elderly I think it makes more sense for them to stay with her, the grandkids live with her and she will always be family. You've only been with this man for a year and could be out of the picture in a few months for all they know. I would consider people boyfriend and girlfriend at this stage, not a 'partner'.

@Moser85 . You are right, they were my boundaries.
I agree re grandparents staying where the grandchildren are. I think actually they will mostly be with my BF. It’s the bigger picture and other things she has done which are making this feel difficult.
I refer to him as my BF in my OP? not partner - however after a year of committed dating I think it’s ok to refer to him as either.

@5128gap It seems that way! It’s the first timing dating a man with children so I am quite surprised how tricky it feels from this side.. It is all learning!

I meant back to the issue in your OP. You did say you were his partner later on.

Why is it obvious that an ex would be involved in a family visit? A meal or day out yes but to invite them and arrange it without their sons knowledge? His father rang him before he booked flights as he found it odd the invite had come from her. I am now his partner, he took me to his home country to meet his family and friends and they hosted me for a week.

I'm just saying in this context if I was his family I wouldn't be considering you as his partner yet. Not in a dismissive way or anything like that, but just because it's only been a year, so they don't know how long you're going to be in their lives etc. so it makes more sense for them to spend their last trip here with family.

It would be different if you were together for a few years, had bought a house etc. or other kind of commitment which shows you expect to be together for the long haul.