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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do abusive men ever lose interest in their children?

40 replies

Alishaattic · 16/03/2023 20:17

Currently going through the family court. Ex trying to obtain access to our daughter. He has to date only had supervised access in contact centre owing to domestic violence. This has been ongoing for a number of years.

To his credit he has turned up to every session bar one.. However I have had to miss our last session owing to illness.. I offered a make up session which normally he would take up but this time no.. Nobody was able to get hold of him to reschedule then when he finally did he said he was much too busy.

Recently DD has said he's always on his phone during sessions also..

I have also heard he's moved in with his new partner of only a few months and that she has 2 kids herself.

Do abusive men eventually lose interest or do they consistently treat their children like possessions?

Selfishly, I would love him to lose interest but also when I look through my daughters eyes, her having to deal with this emotionally, my heart breaks for her. I've done everything I can to uphold the order but feel he's losing interest because he now has access to two other children.

Is this common?

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 16/03/2023 20:19

Children are a conduit to continue their abuse of you
You also are not responsible for any aspect of him and the two facts make for often very difficult circumstances.

all you can do is be there for your child and show her what a decent parent looks like because he isn’t

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 20:20

Oh yeah - he's likely to lose interest now he has a new girlfriend, especially as she has kids. He'll be too busy trying to impress her to spend time with his DD. He doesn't need to use his contact time to control you anymore.

It's like absent fathers who pop up when they have a new girlfriend to show how much of a good dad they are.

It goes one way or the other - and contact centre sessions aren't a way to prove you're a great parent.

Whiskeypowers · 16/03/2023 20:22

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 20:20

Oh yeah - he's likely to lose interest now he has a new girlfriend, especially as she has kids. He'll be too busy trying to impress her to spend time with his DD. He doesn't need to use his contact time to control you anymore.

It's like absent fathers who pop up when they have a new girlfriend to show how much of a good dad they are.

It goes one way or the other - and contact centre sessions aren't a way to prove you're a great parent.

Absent fathers and abusive fathers are not the same thing sadly

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 20:23

@Whiskeypowers no, that's why I said it goes one way or the other. It's likely that he'll stop caring about contact if he can't use it to prove he's a good dad

Talon01 · 16/03/2023 20:25

Not sure OP but I k iw contact centres can be very expensive.

Aussiegirl123456 · 16/03/2023 20:27

They usually only lose interest when they realise they can’t hurt you anymore.

Former family lawyer here. Countless times a family would settle into a parenting or court order after turmoil, for the abuser to not adhere to the order once the fight is over. They seemed to enjoy the fight and inflicting pain. They seldom wanted contact time / custody of their children. The children suffer the most. It’s heartbreaking

thisisasurvivor · 16/03/2023 20:31

Aussiegirl123456 · 16/03/2023 20:27

They usually only lose interest when they realise they can’t hurt you anymore.

Former family lawyer here. Countless times a family would settle into a parenting or court order after turmoil, for the abuser to not adhere to the order once the fight is over. They seemed to enjoy the fight and inflicting pain. They seldom wanted contact time / custody of their children. The children suffer the most. It’s heartbreaking

So true !!!!!

Original poster
Alishaattic · 16/03/2023 20:37

Funnily enough also he's been told he needs to undertake a boat load of therapy, domestic violence perpetrator programme and also undergo another psychological evaluation before contact is even considered.. He has so far to date not admitted perpetrating abuse and has said I'm the abuser!
Could it be that he also knows he has this huge mountain to climb.. He utterly refuses to do any of it.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 16/03/2023 20:41

Yes

Mine took me to court repeatedly to tweak access for 8 years. It was a game to him.

He now has (his choice) had zero contact with his child for over 5 years.

Blueflag22 · 16/03/2023 20:50

No, not always in fact the covert controlling ones use their kids. Narcissists do for sure and they do this for years.

Coffeesnob11 · 16/03/2023 21:11

Mine has, as soon as I stopped contact being supervised as he couldn't be trusted he refused a contact centre (an alcoholic so would require being sober enough to drive)

Wonderland19 · 16/03/2023 21:19

Mine did, we went to mediation about 4 time's, he dropped contact when ever he got a new girlfriend.

This time it was because I said no to his demands and stuck by it. He said he was going to take me to court. Its been nearly a year, without any form of contact. Still waiting to hear from his "representative"

Dullardmullard · 16/03/2023 21:34

Mine fought for 2 years and got supervised only and thought he’d be violent to the social worker and it was all stopped this was many moons ago and he hasn’t had contact with his son who is now an adult

Snugglemonkey · 16/03/2023 21:36

It is interesting that you asked if they eventually lose interest or treat their children like possessions. To me they are the same thing often. They fight for the prized toy. They do not want to share. They do not want to lose their prized toy. But when the toy is won, and noone is fighting them for the toy, it is not such a prize. Now it is something they have to look after. A not fun toy. Sometimes there is a new toy when a new baby comes along. Or even just other children who do not click that this man as the dick he is yet. He has not fucked up with them yet. Fun new toys, yey!

ChocolateTea · 16/03/2023 21:40

My friends ex husband dragged her through the courts for three years. Then wanted nothing to do with the children. It was another power trip to him.

my father was abusive. He stopped wanting anything to do with us once he got a new wife and step kids. After demanding an exact 50/50 split with mid week change overs which were awful to us children and suddenly rang up my mother and told her he didn’t need us anymore as he had a new family now. Thank god.

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 22:06

Alishaattic · 16/03/2023 20:37

Funnily enough also he's been told he needs to undertake a boat load of therapy, domestic violence perpetrator programme and also undergo another psychological evaluation before contact is even considered.. He has so far to date not admitted perpetrating abuse and has said I'm the abuser!
Could it be that he also knows he has this huge mountain to climb.. He utterly refuses to do any of it.

Surely he’s not allowed to be in the lives of his new GF children ?

daffodilandtulip · 16/03/2023 22:32

Mine lost interest the week after the final order. Hasn't seen DD since.

He'd taken 5 years and cost me £40k, as he wanted 100% care and me to have no contact; and meanwhile took me back to court everytime I sneezed. (He got EOW.)

Talon01 · 17/03/2023 05:50

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 22:06

Surely he’s not allowed to be in the lives of his new GF children ?

Show quote history

Good point. Unfortunately that's part of why the family court system is such a joke.

A man can have to fight endless battles and nonsense to see his own kids but is allowed to be around someone else's kids without questions being asked. Just a bit of reassurance from Mom all is fine.

coodawoodashooda · 17/03/2023 06:14

Coffeesnob11 · 16/03/2023 21:11

Mine has, as soon as I stopped contact being supervised as he couldn't be trusted he refused a contact centre (an alcoholic so would require being sober enough to drive)

Has he just not seen the kids since the)

Original poster
Alishaattic · 17/03/2023 06:23

daffodilandtulip · 16/03/2023 22:32

Mine lost interest the week after the final order. Hasn't seen DD since.

He'd taken 5 years and cost me £40k, as he wanted 100% care and me to have no contact; and meanwhile took me back to court everytime I sneezed. (He got EOW.)

This is awful.

OP posts:
Navigatingthroughlife · 17/03/2023 06:53

My sisters dad was an abuser. Not physically to my knowledge but would smash the house up in a rage very controlling etc. My sister was 3 when my mum and her dad separated by the time she was 8 he was very much in and out of her life due to the next woman who came into it. My sister is now 20 and has nothing to do with him as she’s seen who he really is

notthisagainforest · 17/03/2023 06:56

Yes when they get a new partner

paintingwithcampbells · 17/03/2023 07:05

My ex dgaf about the dc, he just likes to pretend he does in front of his wife and church community. It enrages me, to see them being used as pawns.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 17/03/2023 07:09

In my experience abusers use the children to continue to abuse their ex partners, when they can't do that any longer they lose interest.

supercali77 · 17/03/2023 07:16

Depends on the person. Depends on the abuse. My ex, emotionally and financially abusive, fought tooth and nail for contact with his son (not mine) and never missed a single contact. He's the same with our dd. While he's been a nightmare at times for both me and his sons mum (she and I confer a fair bit) his contact with his kids continued irrespective of new partners, making our lives a nightmare etc....that said, I suspect he's very unusual in this respect.