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Original poster

Odd cheating suspicion?

27 replies

Farleigheight · 15/03/2023 23:30

Interested to know what you would make of this as it has really set my spidey senses tingling…

Basically I’ve noticed that whenever we watch a drama on TV and someone mentions cheating, or an affair, DH will squirm quite uncomfortably. He will literally go from happy and relaxed to twitching at the first mention of it and it makes me wonder if he’s so uncomfortable because he’s cheated in the past.

It makes me very uncomfortable. Relationship now is good but there have been some ups and downs over the years which makes me wonder if there is more to it.

I can’t just ask him outright because a) I’d possibly look batshit mental and b) he would inevitably deny it anyway…

Anyone experienced this or am I totally insane?

OP posts:
Corcomroe · 15/03/2023 23:34

Isn’t it possible that you’re examining every minutiae of his face and body language when there’s mention of an affair on TV, and it’s making him self-conscious? I’d suggest watching nature documentaries for a change.

Original poster
Farleigheight · 15/03/2023 23:35

Corcomroe · 15/03/2023 23:34

Isn’t it possible that you’re examining every minutiae of his face and body language when there’s mention of an affair on TV, and it’s making him self-conscious? I’d suggest watching nature documentaries for a change.

I wish that was true - but tonight I was on my laptop hardly watching the tv and literally felt him jerk at the mention of it…

OP posts:
Lotsofthingstoconsider · 15/03/2023 23:38

Unless you have something more concrete I would not go looking for issues . Be happy you are in a good relationship.

Coolblur · 15/03/2023 23:40

Have you ever expressed any concern over his fidelity, or about cheating in general? If so that might be making him feel uneasy when it's mentioned.
You do seem to be over analysing his behaviour. I don't think I'd like to be watched while I'm watching TV, it would probably make me shift uncomfortably, especially if I knew the other person had insecurities relating to the topic of discussion

blacksax · 15/03/2023 23:47

Maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable because he has suspected you of cheating?

Sirius3030 · 15/03/2023 23:54

You don’t have spidey senses. They are not real and only exist in fiction. So you can ignore anything you think your spidey senses are telling you.

BigBlueSloth · 16/03/2023 00:01

Sirius3030 · 15/03/2023 23:54

You don’t have spidey senses. They are not real and only exist in fiction. So you can ignore anything you think your spidey senses are telling you.

I disagree with this sorry. Not necessarily saying the OP is correct that there's something going on, but I've definitely had situations where something felt off. Tried to ignore it and it turned out I should have trusted my gut all along.

Aussiegirl123456 · 16/03/2023 00:23

Sirius3030 · 15/03/2023 23:54

You don’t have spidey senses. They are not real and only exist in fiction. So you can ignore anything you think your spidey senses are telling you.

I also disagree with this. Intuition is powerful and certainly does exist.

Not saying that OP is correct in this case. Just that vibes/feelings/intuition or spidey senses do not exist only in fiction.

Bookworm20 · 16/03/2023 09:15

It is a bit odd. You've noticed him doing it to such an extent that your gut is questioning why. It is an odd reaction for someone where cheating has never crossed their mind. I'd be thinking about when you first started to notice it. Unfortunately that might pinpoint when (if he has) cheated or thought about cheating. The fact he is still doing it is concerning.

It could also be that he knows of someone close to him or you that is cheating and is in some sort of dilemma whether to say anything. So may not be him at all, but hes currently in a situation where he is uncomfortable because he is keeping someone elses secret?

Maybe test the water a little. Come up with some story about youve just found out a bloke or woman at work is cheating and you're not sure how to handle it and ask his advice. His reaction may give you an indication or he may then open up to you if he is indeed in a dilemma about someone else.

1982rarah · 16/03/2023 09:22

Humans can pick up on the most imperceptible of movements.

Have you tried starting a general conversation about cheating with him to see how he reacts?

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 09:38

What’s his emotional history?

Did one of his parents cheat or was he cheated on in a previous relationship?

Maybe some level of unresolved trauma / secrets and lies in family?

What’s your relationship like in general? Do you know him intimately? Does he open up to you?

GoodnightJude1 · 16/03/2023 09:44

My Ex (who was cheating on me with my best friend) used to look very uncomfortable when anything to do with cheating was on the tele. He’d start fidgeting or coughing or get up to make a drink.
I’d like to think it’s because the guilt was eating him up and it made him feel really awful but that’d be a lie.

QueefQueen80s · 16/03/2023 09:46

From personal experience, this does happen. Unless his parents had cheating history?

1982rarah · 16/03/2023 09:47

GoodnightJude1 · 16/03/2023 09:44

My Ex (who was cheating on me with my best friend) used to look very uncomfortable when anything to do with cheating was on the tele. He’d start fidgeting or coughing or get up to make a drink.
I’d like to think it’s because the guilt was eating him up and it made him feel really awful but that’d be a lie.

If not guilt, why else would he have reacted in such an extreme way? Obviously, when a person removes himself entirely from the room, that's a strong sign that they cannot cope with the situation in that moment, they want to literally be somewhere else. If he didn't feel guilty, he wouldn't have felt that extreme need to be out of the room.

RunTowardsTheLight · 16/03/2023 09:52

I think it's possible there is something in this.

Having said this, I wouldn't do anything about it, I would try to put it behind you (unless there is anything else suspicious). As you say yourself, there's not much point asking him about something so intangible, and if you don't ask him and let it eat away at you then that's no good either. Make a decision not to worry about this OP.

GooniesFan123 · 16/03/2023 09:54

Could be something. Could be nothing. The difficulty is that with cognitive bias, once you 'notice' something you'll keep 'noticing it'.
And it could be nothing.
Or it could be nothing to do with what you think.
It could even be that he thinks you cheated for example. Or that he's kept a secret for someone else cheating.
I think you have to talk about it with him to be honest.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 11:11

Farleigheight · 15/03/2023 23:35

I wish that was true - but tonight I was on my laptop hardly watching the tv and literally felt him jerk at the mention of it…

Show quote history

Try saying "why are you squirming?" next time he does it.

His reaction to that might tell you something.
If not, wait until the next time, & ask him why he ALWAYS squirms when cheating is mentioned.

If you can't talk to him brutally honestly about this, what's the point?

whymustyouvomitontherug · 16/03/2023 11:37

Is it possible that you might also be reacting in tiny ways when you hear mention of cheating, because it's on your mind at the moment?

I can't comment on what his behaviour might mean, but I do know in the past when I was around an ex who had some paranoia that I might have cheated (I hadn't, and I wasn't thinking about doing it either) I would react to stuff like this in the way you're describing - not because I felt guilty, but because I was aware of the track his thoughts often went down, I'd pick up on his discomfort, and that made me uncomfortable.

As someone else mentioned - it's also worth being aware of cognitive bias. If you've noticed something and you're now focused on it, you will see evidence of it far more often than if it had never crossed your mind!

Would you be able to raise this with him? There's always a chance he is reacting in the way you've noticed, but the reason for his reaction could be very different to what you're thinking?

Original poster
Farleigheight · 16/03/2023 11:50

Thanks all.

I’ve noticed it for over a year!

He would tell me if someone he knew was cheating, I have no doubt there, so it’s not that.

His parents are still together. No affairs.

I think his ex kissed someone else, but never had a full blown affair. He has been jealous in the past of my male friends so maybe he does suspect something.

He’s always been a bit protective of his phone but that’s been the case for 15 years so I think that’s just how he is!

The reality is it would be difficult for him to cheat too which makes it even more confusing… we have each others locations in our phones (and the kids) so could theoretically check up on each other at any time…

Wish I could put it out of my mind but I can’t.

OP posts:
Ooompaloopa · 18/03/2023 11:03

Maybe it’s something else webcams / escorts / porn - which are also a betrayal in a relationship.

Ooompaloopa · 18/03/2023 11:06

He might have two phones. The one you have the location for - that he might leave in his office / car and another he uses for other purposes.

Were you ever cheated on or did either of your parents cheat - just wondering if you have an unconscious bias?

Dodecaheidyin · 18/03/2023 11:15

Anyone experienced this or am I totally insane?

You're not totally insane, I too have experienced it. The line in the script was "There's not a man alive who hasn't been unfaithful" and idiot features nearly curled up in a ball. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised and he said "You look so embarrassed! What are you hiding!". Arsehole.

Original poster
Farleigheight · 18/03/2023 18:14

Well, it could be nothing but I looked on his downloaded apps and I can see on his first day of a trip away he downloaded telegram messenger.

I’m not sure why someone would need an app that deletes messages…

OP posts:
corblimeym8 · 18/03/2023 18:21

Sirius3030 · 15/03/2023 23:54

You don’t have spidey senses. They are not real and only exist in fiction. So you can ignore anything you think your spidey senses are telling you.

Spidey senses is another way of describing inutition, or maybe you don't believe in that either

Moser85 · 18/03/2023 18:35

Farleigheight · 18/03/2023 18:14

Well, it could be nothing but I looked on his downloaded apps and I can see on his first day of a trip away he downloaded telegram messenger.

I’m not sure why someone would need an app that deletes messages…

It can just be used like whatsapp too.
It doesn't automatically delete messages, all of mine are still there.

Lots of conspiracy theorists use it, is he into that kind of thing?

I've noticed quite a few people I know joining it lately because you get a notification when a contact in your phone joins.