How do I tell my DM?

[HappySonHappyMum]

My DM and DF separated and divorced roughly 20 years ago. My DF had an affair with my DMs best friend and it broke her. My DF ghosted my DB and only kept in touch with me because I have his two GCs - about 15 years ago he messaged me to say he was getting engaged to the BF, I got angry and to cut a long story short apart from cards and vouchers as Christmas and Birthdays for the kids he cut contact encouraged by his narcissist wife whose was very happy that she didn't have to share. Last year he caught Covid and died, our situation was never resolved - the SM didn't tell us he was ill until he was on life support so we couldn't resolve anything or speak to him again - she 'couldn't work out how to use his phone'. A year on and the Will has been actioned, there was a couple of thousand for each of my DCs but myself and my DB have been written out and all of his money goes to his step children.
And now for the problem - I have to tell my DM about the Will. She knows he died, we all went to his funeral, she knows he stopped contacting us, she doesn't know about all the nastiness through the years, she doesn't know about the letters the SM sent over the years to me and my DCs telling me what a poor excuse for a daughter I am. All the nastiness that is still continuing, she's sent letters to my DCs badmouthing me. I'm literally just getting over the last letter - I'm fine during the day but at night I lay awake talking to myself, having conversations about what I could say to my DF if I could. I'm exhausted by it all. I know I need to tell my DM about the Will, I've kept all the bad stuff from her to protect her over the years, she's made a good life for herself after being treated so badly but when I tell her our DF left us nothing she will be devastated and feel terrible. I don't want her to feel like I do about it all. How do I tell her - does anyone have any good ideas on ways to broach the subject?

Have you sought legal advise to see if you can contest the will? I wouldn't raise the topic of will unless DM asks. Why does she need to know? Just don't mention it and if she mentions it say he left us nothing but dgc were left xyz

Why do you need to tell her?

This is an incredibly sad situation OP, I am so very sorry for your loss and the unrelenting grief you have endured for many years.

I'm sure you'll get some good advice regarding how to speak to your DM, but what stands out for me is the story of you - why you have taken it upon yourself to gate-keep your DF's (and SM's) terrible behaviour for 20 odd years - that is an epic undertaking and I think you need to consider giving yourself permission to let go of ALL of these painful memories, that you've been hoisting around for 2 decades. I should imagine you feel utterly worn down from carrying all of this, trying to protect everyone, especially your DM. I do of course understand why you've been protecting her, but you are the child (of your mother) and it's not your duty, not your job, not your responsibility to protect her.

Please try and seek out a therapist who can help you unpick all of this with you, so you can grieve, so you can let go of being the gate-keeper. You deserve to be protected and supported too.

Good luck OP x

We've kept all the nastiness away from she didn't need to be dragged back to all of the pain and it was too painful to keep going over it for me as well. I don't think we can contest the Will, the SM wrote six years ago to say that my DF was going to change his Will and write us out, she sent the codicil he added to it detailing all of the problems in his marriage to my DM 'without his knowledge'. It was the cruellest thing anyone has ever done to me, the worst thing I've ever read and she said that if I wanted him not to change his Will I'd have to get in touch but she'd know the only reason I wanted to see him was because I wanted his money. I didn't reply or get in touch - I didn't want his money. I just wanted his time. I feel like she needs to know, I can't keep this secret forever and it's not fair to ask my DCs to keep the small amount of money he gave them a secret.

You absolutely don't need to tell your mother about his will - it's nothing to do with her! Just don't mention it when she's around.

No I absolutely do need to tell her. My DB is devastated by the Will, he's not coping with realisation that his DF who ignored him for 18 years actually didn't give a shit. I can't ask my DCs to lie about their money. I don't want her to accidentally find out any of this from anyone else. @Yamalt Thanks for your kind words, you are right I am the gate-keeper for the family, I am the one that holds us all together and this is the last thing I have to do to draw a line under the whole sorry saga so I can finally be free of it all.

’I feel like she needs to know’

Genuinely, why? Why would you need to bring any of it up? If she asked then surely ‘Dad’s wife inherited his estate’ would cover it all. She definitely has no need to know about ‘the codicil he added to it detailing all of the problems in his marriage to my DM.’ That would do nothing but cause her pain.

If you feel you need to share it with someone you could always see a counsellor and talk through how it made you feel.

I don't want to bring up the codicil - that would be beyond awful. I don't want to share all the nastiness I just want to tell her that the Will has been sorted, the kids have a little bit of money, but have some stock phrases ready when she inevitably asks questions that will cause her pain if I answer them. I need to know how to practise damage limitation.

Keep it simple: your dad chose to make bequests to his grandchildren and step-grandchildren.

Separately, stop opening letters from your dad's widow. Return the next 3 to her, after that just bin them. Ideally stop communicating with her at all (do you really need to? Really?).

I'm so sorry your father treated you and your brother like this.

Tell your mother that your father left something small to the grandchildren but as far as you know everything else went to his wife (which is quite usual even when there isn't the level of toxicity your father and his wife had).

Once your children receive their money, block her on every platform there is. If she writes to you, send it back "Not Known At This Address" or rip it up and put it in the rubbish. Cut her completely from your life, breathe, and get therapy for the completely crap father you had. If you ever see her, just walk past her (the "cut direct" as it was known in Victorian times)

your mum sounds lovely though. Your brother didn't deserve what happened either. I feel for you.

I'm really sorry you have been through this - is sounds awful for you and you've obviously done a good job of protecting your DMum. I understand you'll want to tell her about the will and your DCs getting a small sum. But I don't understand why you (or she) would expect money from your DF. Normally it goes to the spouse - that is his wife of several years. I wouldn't have expected any money so your DMum should be surprised. Sorry if I miss something key, but it's seems obvious all the money would go to the spouse, so it's nice your DCs have a small sum. Sorry for your loss again.

@DisplayPurposesOnly I never reply to her, there is no communication just her sending unsolicited mail which I have never asked for. She's given up with me for the moment but she's now sending letters to my DC who are both adults and live at home so I see the letters drop through the door - I can't throw their mail away. She just tells them what a bad parent I am for not letting them have contact with their GF. I recognise her handwriting - I was the 'daughter she always wanted' when I was growing up, we holidayed together, had days out, our families were always together, her kids were like brothers to me. It was the ultimate betrayal.

If someone in my life was that as vindictive as your Father and Stepmother I wouldn’t want their money.

@Galatine I said earlier in the thread I never wanted his money, I just wanted his time. He was a good father when I was a child but when he left my DM he left us all.

I’m sorry for your loss and your father treating you so badly over the years. This all seems very dramatic however. Why does your mum need protecting from all this? Your father was unkind to you over the years, cut contact, but did leave something to his grandchildren.

My heart really goes out to you
I agree with a PP you have carried soooo much
and he’s dead now and it’s a good time to get some therapy and release this
and move on
this shit needs to END x

you also need more support than you are getting
just tell her , can you let her look after you
its your turn xxx

Why haven't you/ you and your kids got a restraining order/ whatever they call them now? It's harassment.

There's no reason to tell your mother about this. Speak to your brother and your children and hopefully agree to never let her know. There's absolutely no reason for her to know.

We have a similar situation. Dad cut us out of the Will, left half to his sister and half to his girlfriend of 2 years. They didn't tell us he was close to death, in fact waited 6 hours to tell us he had died so that 22 year old me would take that call alone. She knew my younger sister had an activity that evening and my mum would be taking her.
The difference is that my mum knew about all the unpleasantness but my much younger sister worshipped our dad and hadn't realised half of what happened. We had been facilitating her seeing dad. She had no idea about all of the cruel things done/said to me.
It wasn't just me written out though. It was my sister too. They wouldn't even allow her to pick up her belongings from her home at our dad's. Anything there was put in a skip the week after he died. It was the last thing on our minds at that point and by the time we tried to go round, everything was already gone.
A lifetime later and I am still very resentful to the adults in that side of my family and the situation.
My mum and I, I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort, never told my sister how bad things were. She still thinks it was the wicked step mum's fault. It was and it wasn't. He was being encouraged to make those decisions but he was a big boy and should have stood up for his kids. Ok I was technically an adult but really at 1 months past my 22nd birthday, I was still very young. I hadn't even finished Uni yet.
Does your DM need to know everything? How will it benefit her knowing about it all? Would you be better getting some counselling and working through everything for yourself?
I completely understand that thing about being fine during the day but being kept awake thinking about it. It is awful and really makes you doubt yourself and the person you think you are. I have to fight a lot of self loathing because I was told so often that I was nasty, manipulative and greedy. It is hard not to believe people whom you have previously looked up to.
Good luck op. I wouldn't wish what you are continuing to go through on anyone.

I’m sorry, it all sounds very hard. But I don’t think you have to tell your mother everything. She must know you weren’t that close to him any more, that you didn’t really see him? And that your brother didn’t speak to him? No need to talk about all the nastiness - and I don’t think that leaving money in his will would have proven to your brother that your dad did give a shit. Just tell her that you thought he’d probably changed his will because you were both no longer in contact with him. Tell her he left small bequests to his grandchildren but most of it has gone to his new family.

Your mother is an adult. She will know there is a will. If she wanted to know she would ask about it. Surely she wont be surprised that the father you didn’t see for years didn’t leave you anything?

If she hasn’t asked it’s because she doesn’t want to know. You are unreasonable to consider telling her things that aren’t her business. There is absolutely no benefit for your mum in being told this.

Youre obviously very upset about the whole thing, but this is your pain, not your mums.

In a very similar situation, 46 years ago DD had an affair with DM’s BF, went on to marry her and take on her 4 DCs despite very little contact with my DB and I. In fact at his funeral her 4 DC’s had a wreath that spelt ‘DAD’, a real slap in the face for DB and I as we travelled in the funeral car staring at it. Plus, their own DD was at the funeral! Anyways, surely your mother wont expect anything to have been left to you and your DB? A leopard does not change it’s spots. The Gate Keeper is a painful role to fulfil, l know, for your own MH tell your DM so you can all draw a line under it. And tell your DC to bin the crazy letters.

Although she doesn’t know the ins and outs she must know that you had a very difficult relationship and very little contact with him? So I presume she knows it’s a possibility the will won’t include you.

If you’re worried about telling her but want her to know, just tell her in a brief manner with a ‘it is what it is’ tone. “Dad left money for x and Y in his will, the rest went to the other family I assume. I’m not surprised given how he acted. Never mind, I’m glad the kids had something”.

on a side note- can you/your children not report the letters as harassment?

HappySonHappyMum

Such a sad situation.

If you really feel you have to tell her about the will - it's all in the telling, not just the actual information.

There is something of a fashion to miss out giving bequests to sons and daughters passing money on to the grandchildren. The argument being they will need the money for education and getting on the housing ladder, whereas the parents, in this case you and your DBro, are more settled. It's not necessarily a view I agree with, but both my DP's parents and mine had their wills set up like this. There was no animosity between the generations leading to this - it was the advice they were given by the solicitors. DP's parent changed theirs, but my parents have retained this model in their wills.

So when telling your DM you could say that in line with a lot of people these days, your DF has missed a generation to help set up his grandchildren. Put a positive spin on it, and if she queries how you feel - well you could say frankly Mum I'm just delighted he remembered his family at all. and don't dwell on it.

As for your SM - talk to your children, ask their permission to return the letters and if they continue ask a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter, following up by reporting them as harassment to the police if the letters continue after this.

You fell out with your Dad, he wrote you out of his will…. It’s a final stab in the back, but not particularly surprising.
As for his widow… if her letters are abusive then report her to the police for harassment. I wouldn’t even bother reading anything from her… if you recognise her writing just pop it back in letter box without opening with a ‘return to sender’on it and write her address on back… don’t give them any head space.