How do I tell my DM?

[HappySonHappyMum]

My DM and DF separated and divorced roughly 20 years ago. My DF had an affair with my DMs best friend and it broke her. My DF ghosted my DB and only kept in touch with me because I have his two GCs - about 15 years ago he messaged me to say he was getting engaged to the BF, I got angry and to cut a long story short apart from cards and vouchers as Christmas and Birthdays for the kids he cut contact encouraged by his narcissist wife whose was very happy that she didn't have to share. Last year he caught Covid and died, our situation was never resolved - the SM didn't tell us he was ill until he was on life support so we couldn't resolve anything or speak to him again - she 'couldn't work out how to use his phone'. A year on and the Will has been actioned, there was a couple of thousand for each of my DCs but myself and my DB have been written out and all of his money goes to his step children.
And now for the problem - I have to tell my DM about the Will. She knows he died, we all went to his funeral, she knows he stopped contacting us, she doesn't know about all the nastiness through the years, she doesn't know about the letters the SM sent over the years to me and my DCs telling me what a poor excuse for a daughter I am. All the nastiness that is still continuing, she's sent letters to my DCs badmouthing me. I'm literally just getting over the last letter - I'm fine during the day but at night I lay awake talking to myself, having conversations about what I could say to my DF if I could. I'm exhausted by it all. I know I need to tell my DM about the Will, I've kept all the bad stuff from her to protect her over the years, she's made a good life for herself after being treated so badly but when I tell her our DF left us nothing she will be devastated and feel terrible. I don't want her to feel like I do about it all. How do I tell her - does anyone have any good ideas on ways to broach the subject?

I would tell her he left some money for the GC but leave it at that. If she says anything about him not leaving anything to you then say “ well thank goodness for that, because I certainly wouldn’t want his money.!”” She doesn’t need to know about nasty messages, or unkindness, so keep those to yourself.

I can understand that you do not want to hurt your mother, but I get the feeling that you feel responsible for her, which, even though you are all adults, is a bit much.

Call the police and Get a solicitor. They’ll write a letter telling her to stop harassing you and slandering you. Honestly, why are you letting this woman control you?

Tell your DM the money must simply have been spent /squandered and her GC have x amount of money.

"he left a small amount to all the grandchildren - that's all I know"

I agree with what others have said you don't need to tell you mother anything unless she asks. Your dad/stepmum have been consistent - you and your brother were both cut off both emotionally and financially so it isn't really a surprise and actually if i were your DM it would be the cutting off that would devastate me not the will.
If SM consider to harrass you and your children however I would consider getting a solicitors letter at least

Well yes her behaviour to you was the ultimate betrayal. But she has firm for this doesn't she. She is a nasty piece of work OP. She betrays everyone by the looks of things. She's bitter and nasty evidenced by her frankly unhinged letter writing.

I agree. The divorce was 20 years ago, I don’t know why your mum has held onto her role as betrayed wife for such a long time and you’ve all gone along with her victimisation of herself. No one is going to heal or move on if you all keep carrying on like this. Way too much constant drama and angst, make a conscious choice to leave it and move on.

Your dad was a shit, your SM is a shit, it’s a shit situation. I would not have expected anything from the Will anyway given the circumstances. Just return the nutty letters she keeps sending you, or post them to her own kids, or ignore them or whatever. It’s only getting to you because you keep letting it, why do you do this?

I’ve no doubt your your father’s mistress is as bad as you say but your father was a poor excuse for a father. He never wanted to deal with the inevitable pain his behaviour caused and chose to ghost his son rather than man up. May I ask why you facilitated contact between your children and a man who ghosted his son and prioritised a poisonous woman who abused his daughter? Why haven’t you or your adult children cut this woman off?

Deathbed confessions are a movie troupe, the reality is the father you grew up with, essentially died when he abandoned his children. Everything he did since was out of self interest. Even if he had left your brother money, it would have just been that, money. It couldn’t have inferred regret or remorse.

It’s time you worked through your ‘gate keeper’ issues because you the only thing that this behaviour has achieved, is keeping the door ajar so this woman can repeatedly abuse you and your children.

Hopefully, your father’s will be the final chapter of a cowardly man.

So sorry you're going through this. The will won't be a surprise to anyone surely, even you? Doesn't make it right, he was awful to treat you that way but it was made clear where he stands. Ugh why do men do this!?

Just tell her. Surely it don’t be much of a surprise when you didn’t have much contact with him and he was such an arse

If the letters continue from your dads wife, involve the police.

Hopefully now he’s dead, it’ll all stop.

Your father and stepmother were total cunts.

@AgentJohnson I facilitated contact for the first 3 years after my DF had left my DM - but this consisted of visits on their birthdays and at Christmas he never made much of an effort at any other time. It got to a point where I was asking too many questions which made him uncomfortable and he stopped contact with us all because he felt 'I was making him feel unwelcome'. I didn't know he had married (although he told all of my family I knew and refused to attend the wedding) - I found out they had married when he was on life support with Covid. We have had no contact apart from cards and these letters which the SM has sent continuously over the years - none of which have been answered by me. @BeachDayz I don't think my DM has held onto her role as betrayed wife she's moved on and made a good life for herself - I am proud of her - I just don't want anything to take her back to the beginning again. Again - I honestly couldn't care less about his money - I never expected or wanted it - I only ever wanted his time - but I fear my DM will take disinheriting his children as the final insult and it will hurt her.

I'm probably missing something but why wasn't the unsolicited mail all returned to sender? You would have known her handwriting surely? I'm not clear on why all these years after the event it would be so devastating for your mum to know he left nothing in the will? Surely she knew that if he had no relationship with you, you'd probably never hear a thing about the will? Was she expecting him to leave everything to you after having no contact for all those years? I just wonder if because you've been so absorbed in all the nastiness from his wife that you might be over thinking this a bit.

Agreed. Definitely over thinking.

You mum probably won’t be shocked by anything this man does. He wasn’t exactly loyal in life was he?!

This all sounds awful; your DF sounds deeply inadequate and your SM sounds cruel and unhinged but I agree with PP - I don’t see why news of the will should be the undoing of your DM. It’s in line with your DF’s neglect of you over the years. You’re the one needing support and she is the parent here. Just tell her what you think she needs to know and let her support you.

I can see that you have not been treated well in this, but I cannot fathom why you feel you need to tell your mother, or at least do any more than mention in passing that the GC were left a few thousand. I’m sorry, because I do have sympathy for your situation, but I feel like you are trying to create more hurt than is necessary and particularly to your mother. It really is nothing to do with her.

I am surprised that your brother is devastated at being left nothing, considering his father disowned him twenty years ago, how is this a shock?

I think you should leave them to it and not make any more of this than it needs to be. Return SM’s letters to sender, throw them away or get an injunction against her.

*I would qualify that, you are not “trying to” but seem set on a course that is likely to

Let your children choose whether to open the letters. Then, whether they've opened them or not, send them back to her without a stamp.
She is continuing to have an emotional hold over you. You don't have to let her.

If your mother doesn't ask about the will , don't tell her, don't mention it, don't bring it up.

If your mother asks, tell her your father left your children some money. The children are adults so you don't need to discuss their private finances with anyone.

This isnt lying.

Definitely don't mention the toxic wife to your mother.

Sorry to hear what you've been through, some people are just beyond awful.

I don't think you really need to give her details. Just say as someone said that the will has been sorted and he left money to the grandchildren. Job done, no re-hashing of the past.

I am NC with my mum and stepdad's children are also NC with them. I can't imagine who they would leave anything to (they are very wealthy). I don't expect it to be me, but I also can't really imagine anyone, even family asking about it. If your DM does ask, other than the above, I think it's fine to say that it's painful for you to talk about him and you'd just rather leave it in the past.

I don't think my DM has held onto her role as betrayed wife she's moved on and made a good life for herself - I am proud of her - I just don't want anything to take her back to the beginning again.

Is she really so fragile that hearing about his finances will do that?

It sounds like you want emotional support from your mum about this. And that’s ok and understandable. If this is the case, is there a particular reason you are framing this need in this way?

Surely no one would be that surprised to be left out of his will given the estrangement? Would your mum not expect that to be the case anyway? Your mum is well aware of his character, and he has already hurt her in the worst possible way. I'd not have thought that who he left his money to would be that big a deal after what she's gone through already.