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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To want him to hurt me so I can leave …

40 replies

Jibberdy · 15/03/2023 19:07

I’m married to a mean unkind man who is occasionally pleasant when it suits him.
I am 50 overweight and struggle badly with MH. I feel ugly and unlovable and am scared of being alone.

So today I find myself hoping he’ll hurt me so I have a valid excuse to leave him. I have enough valid excuses but if he physically hurts me there’s no turning back. I’m sorry to those who have been hurt I’m really sorry I don’t mean to offend you.

He has hurt and bruised me in the past (years ago).

Why?? Why can’t I just pluck up the courage to leave him. I never want to be with another man again.

OP posts:

Commonsensitivity · 15/03/2023 19:09

That's very silly. You don't need that sort of reason to leave. Just leave.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 15/03/2023 19:09

You have ample reason to leave him, you do not need an 'excuse'.

Please remember that even if he were the kindest, most loving husband in the world, you would not be obliged to stay with him. But if you are looking to justify it to yourself, your OP has done that.

Ceryneianhind · 15/03/2023 19:11

You can do this, you deserve better

BentleyRhythmAce · 15/03/2023 19:11

You don't need an excuse. Just go. Do you want another 30 or 40 years of this?

CalistoNoSolo · 15/03/2023 19:16

Do you understand how fucked up your thinking is here? Of course you don't need an excuse to leave, but whatever happens you desperately need some kind of therapy.

minipie · 15/03/2023 19:16

I do understand where you’re coming from OP, but I think there can be other kinds of “no turning back” or “eureka” moments without having to wish for him to hurt you (which I’m sure you don’t actually want).

For example

Imagine this turns out to be your last year on earth, do you want it to be with him?

Imagine he has left, how do you feel? If it’s relieved what does that tell you?

Imagine how disappointed in yourself, your life, you will feel if you are still with him next year

Think of all the things you’d be able to do if you were shot of him, that currently you don’t do due to fear of his behaviour

Think of how much better you will feel about yourself every day, if you don’t have someone pulling you down with nasty comments

The reason you feel ugly and unlovable is because of him. You will be a better, happier person if he’s not around bringing you down.

You can do this.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/03/2023 19:19

I think you are waiting for the big Road to Damascus moment, but for the vast majority of people that’s not how change happens.

Change is in the small things

What support do you need to leave? Practical and emotional support, and where can you get it? If you don’t have support in your life, there are online support groups and possibly local support, and professional support. Places like women’s aid, your GP, your library, citizens advice, Mind will have details about this.

Make a ten point plan and then carve each step into a couple of sub steps, so you take an action a day. In week 2 make the steps a bit bigger.

There isn’t going to be a blinding flash that gives you the strength to leave OP. But if you don’t start taking action, you’ll be here in 30 years.

Do you want to be here in 30 years?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2023 19:21

Fear of him, fear of the unknown are two of so many reasons but you're alone now within this marriage. Your boundaries here, already skewed by his abuse, are being further eroded and otherwise got at by being further abused now.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. Fifty is not old, hell no and I am older than you!.

Where did this feeling unlovable mindset start with you?. You're not at all unlovable but you believe you are and your abuser will further capitalise on that erroneous assumption.

Abuse like this also thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing and able to walk into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI?. Would you want to contact Womens Aid by phone (they also have a chat facility). The first step out is the hardest one to take but no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

Naunet · 15/03/2023 19:26

It sounds like you want him to do that because you know that would be a line crossed for you so it would be easier for you to leave. I think rather than hoping he hurts you, you should look at why you think you need that line to be crossed, why isn’t this enough for you? Were you raised to believe marriage is forever and you should stick it out no matter what? Or is it fear of being alone maybe?

Original poster

Jibberdy · 15/03/2023 19:31

Thanks everyone. It would be a line crossed and I feel I need the validation.

I have no one I can confide in. I tried to talk to my mum at the weekend and she just laughed and changed the subject! Literally!

OP posts:

KaleFairy · 15/03/2023 19:32

Great advice from other posters, also, no one needs a reason to leave any relationship ever. Even if you didn't have good reason (you do) you don't need one, you don't need anyone's permission or acceptance. It is your life and you can take whatever action you choose to live it as you see fit. You are free to do whatever you want at any time, you want to leave him, you should leave him.

something2say · 15/03/2023 19:33

I think this is a step on the road. You're on the way! Next up, a list, and some proper support.

I'd get a self help book and use my laptop to journal through the book.

Your mind is telling you that the time has come.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/03/2023 19:35

Just leave - if you stay and resent him you'll just be sad, and if you anger him to the point of lashing out there are no winners.
Save yourselves the trauma, and just leave.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 15/03/2023 19:36

I learned on a women's aid run survivors course that it is very very common for women in emotionally abusive relationships to feel this way. Please don't feel bad or stupid for feeling this way.

Women's aid will be able to talk to you and support you. Please call them.

You deserve better. It's that simple, and you can leave. But don't feel bad if you can't right now, or if it takes several attempts. That is all very very common as well.

DangerPigeon · 15/03/2023 19:37

You are allowed to just leave him.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2023 19:44

Agree with poster that said - you could have 40 years left!

Do you want to spend another 40 years with this shithead? No?

Then there's your reason to leave.

Londontoderby · 15/03/2023 19:44

Well sometimes mothers exhibit shit behaviour, doesn’t mean your thoughts or feelings are not just. Don’t let her attitude affect you. You don’t need and excuse to leave, you are your own woman and can make up your own mind.

If you want to leave….you will leave. Just do it, of course it’s scary, but so staying and regretting it.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/03/2023 19:51

That's no good. You have to care about yourself. Why do you want to be physically hurt before you will make a decision that you know is the right one? Don't punish yourself that way. You deserve more, you are worth the same as any other human being. You have value and deserve better. You deserve love and kindness (from yourself as well as others) and this is why you should leave, not because someone physically hurts you (which he has already done anyway) xx

Suzi888 · 15/03/2023 19:54

You don’t need anyone’s approval. It doesn’t even have to be because he’s hit you, shouted at you, etc. It can be because you are unhappy and don’t love him and it’s nothing to do with anyone else. 💐

LividNC · 15/03/2023 19:56

I have felt that way in an emotionally abusive relationship.

It’s fucked up but I have.

Good luck. I got my push to leave another way but I understand the feeling.

xJoy · 15/03/2023 20:03

@Jibberdy oh hun, can I give you a keyboard {{hug}}

When I was 37 I was going for a run (one of the few activities i was allowed to do because it was free and I was just wearing slouchy PE gear, I thought to myself as I was running ''if I had a year to live, I'd leave him''. Then a little while later, I realised, I could leave anyway.

It was incredibly difficult though, the emotional manipulation he subjected me to (mind you, I handled it all wrong, I sought his blessing to leave, obviously he was never going to give me that).

You may be thinking ''but you were 37 not 50'' however, it took me YEARS to get free mentally because I was still arguing with him over the internet years after I'd left. I handled it so badly. I should have just left, and not looked for him to rubber stamp my decision. He'd groomed me to feel his emotions but not his.

If you do leave you can get support on mumsnet. So many people have been through it. It's hard, aint gonna lie, but for at least five years, every time I got in to the bed, I thought thank god he's not in it.

So you're 50, so what. Better to be 50 on your own pandering to your own whims than 50 and dominated by a man who saps the joy out of life. I've had a couple of relationships, nothing that lasted but I'm definitely ok with that, so don't stay with a bastard because you think you'll never meet anybody else. If you never meet anybody else, then you'll be free to be you!

I know I've had 15 years to build the ground beneath me but I am so glad I left.

I was so ground down by him that it did seem like a DIFFICULT DECISION which is crazy now, that I've healed a good bit. I was taught that I had no right to limits, boundaries, needs, so I had been 100% groomed to see leaving him through his eyes, not through my own. And he was outraged and he let me know it.

I should not have engaged. If you do leave, you can get support here.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 15/03/2023 20:04

Do you think you are using this trail of thought to stop you leaving as you are afraid of the uncertainty when you do leave? If he did hurt you would you really leave when you say he hurt you before and you didn't? It is ok to be afraid of leaving and you don't have to do anything until you are ready to but you need to think why you are setting that as the "line crossing" and not your unhappiness currently. Therapy may help you come to terms with where you are and help you build the confidence to leave

Changeforachange · 15/03/2023 20:05

The very fact you feel like this, is justification to leave.

xJoy · 15/03/2023 20:08

Not to overwhelm you but it's probably connected that your mother doesn't do connection that you've ended up in this situation. You tried to connect and she brushed it off. That is so upsetting. You need somebody strong in your corner right now and she changed the subject. This may sound incredibly trite and I hope it doesn't but you have to be the strong person in your own corner.

Another helpful question I asked myself when I was ground down to dust was 'if I could press Fast Forward to this time next year, and it was DONE, sorted, all the drama behind me, all the admin sorted, how would I feel, and I felt so much relief imagining that that it gave me the energy to take a deep breath and make it happen.

You can do it. Any doubt, any practicality that you can't figure out or can't face, post it here and somebody will have been through it.

JanglyBeads · 15/03/2023 20:09

He hurt you years ago and you didn't go. It won't make a difference this time.

I was where you were 12 years ago. I left, with help from friends and Women's Aid.

You can do it.

💐

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