To want him to hurt me so I can leave …

[Jibberdy]

I’m married to a mean unkind man who is occasionally pleasant when it suits him.
I am 50 overweight and struggle badly with MH. I feel ugly and unlovable and am scared of being alone.

So today I find myself hoping he’ll hurt me so I have a valid excuse to leave him. I have enough valid excuses but if he physically hurts me there’s no turning back. I’m sorry to those who have been hurt I’m really sorry I don’t mean to offend you.

He has hurt and bruised me in the past (years ago).

Why?? Why can’t I just pluck up the courage to leave him. I never want to be with another man again.

You don't need anyone's permission or validation to leave. You can leave for any reason and no reason.

Imagine what would happen if you left. What's the very worst thing you can think of?

Like everyone else has said you don’t need an excuse. It’s your life and you don’t need excuses to live it how you want.

There might be difficult times ahead if you leave but you’ll get through them. Try to think about the practicalities of leaving - finding somewhere to live, etc.

My DM reacted in a similar way to yours when I tried to talk to her about ExH, so I left without her help and in the end understood that she was worried about what would happen if I left.

@Jibberdy I'm sorry you feel like this, I do understand. My ex was abusive in every except actually making contact with me. I dreamed of him actually doing it so I had a proper reason to leave.

Now I know I had more than enough reasons to go, as well as, 'just because I want too' being a good enough reason!

I kniw what you mean @Jibberdy . I spent ages wishing my husband would have an affair so I had a "valid" reason to leave him. He didn't(that I know of) but I did still leave eventually, only after a violent outburst though.

You can leave.

Being unhappy in the relationship is enough.

You are important enough, your feelings count enough.

Please leave. Your mental health will improve exponentially, and rapidly so, after the initial shock. Your life is worth more than this unhappiness.

I found myself positively excited, hopeful, that my former partner had cheated on me when one day he said “I have something I need to tell you”. Because then I could just leave without having to justify myself to anyone as to why I was leaving the great guy who was so good with my child.

It was an all time low. He hadn’t cheated on me it turned out, just lost his job through sheer arrogant idiocy. And so the relationship continued for a while after, incredibly bad and unhappy for the duration.

You're allowed to just leave. There doesn't have to be a reason. You're unhappy, that's enough.

Your MH struggles will lessen considerably when you are no longer living with a mean unkind man.

That, in itself is a valid reason to leave.

Also - he's already hurt you. He hurt & bruised you.

Listen - it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed by the thought of splitting.
But you can reframe this.
Instead of "feeling unlovable" - which is hardly surprising when you are under the same roof as a mean unkind man who likes hurting you - think of how much peace you will feel when you can close your front door behind you & enjoy the privacy & peace of your own home.
Imagine living free of abuse.
Imagine how your MH will improve.
Imagine pleasing yourself, pottering about at home, enjoying your hobbies, having time & space to go to new places & meet new friends.

I validate you Jibberdy.

I do not want you to waste another day of your precious life on this man.
I do not want you to have your MH undermined by a mean unkind man,
I want you to live your life freely, in comfort & safety.
I want you to be happy.

I also want to kick your mother up the arse - is that ok? 😂

In secret, choose a lawyer, book an appoiuntment, disclose & document all your marital assets, & get a professional opinion of what your share of the split looks like.
Then start dreaming. Start visualising the happier life you will create for yourself when you lose this horrible man.

I completely understand. I have felt exactly the same. And honestly it is an awful thing to watch your boundaries be eroded step by step.

DP became disengaged from me but it didn't feel like enough. I used to wish that he would shout at me and insult me so that I could leave. He did, and I stayed. I then wished that he would say something truly bad, like that he hated me. He did, and I stayed. My boundary then became that he would raise his hands to me. Two months ago he pushed me quite hard and in anger, and I knew that it had happened, but since it didn't actually hurt I quietly reformulated the boundary to be that he actually had to hurt me. Then a few weeks ago he punched me in the arm so that it hurt, as a "joke", and I again quietly reformulated the boundary to be 'he hurts me on purpose and it actually hurts '. Who wants to live like that? Who wants to live everyday with somebody where the bar is so low that you will be with them so long as they don't commit a crime against you? Worse, who wants to live wishing that they would just do it already, so that they can leave? Not me OP, and almost certainly not you. I can't tell you how afraid I am to find out where my actual boundary is.

The truth is nothing that anyone will do, including him, will let you leave. Only you can give yourself permission to be happy. You are worth more than this. You say you feel unlovable - of course you do, when you're in a relationship like this. Your worth isn't determined by how a man feels about you. You need to make yourself feel worthy of love and start by loving yourself. And the first step in loving yourself is leaving this man.

You sound so ground down. Your mother hasn't helped you here - some women of that generation feel marriage has to be forever even if you are miserable. My mum was one of those - she asked me 'but how will you cope without him?'. Much better than with him, thank you!

Start believing that you are allowed to leave. You're 5 years younger than me. I have now been single for 5 years and honestly, they have been great years. I can do what I want, cook what I want (or not cook!), go where I want. I don't have to consider anyone but my kids when they're home from uni. It's brilliant. You can have that freedom too. Keep nurturing that little voice that tells you that you don't have to live like this and when you're ready... go!

The only reason you need to leave is that you're not happy. You don't have to justify it.

Hi

lots of advice here about "just leave", but you would have done that if you could.

My suggestion is take a different step that will help you. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but I would try and find a counsellor, who can help you with this. Privately you could pay around £50 per hour, and I really think a couple of sessions could help you move forward really quickly. You need some independent, non judgemental help.

I hope you can find someone (I did, google helped).

good luck

I would agree with @bted OP. Even one hour with a counsellor can be enough to show you that you're feelings and needs are valid. I was like you (tbh I still am) and I thought I was being selfish for wanting out and just felt as though this was life and I had to plod on with it. To have someone tell you, "no, this is not good enough" was kind of a shock, but a massive relief. And well worth the £50! I am still working on it and haven't left yet, and I completely understand that you're waiting for the 'one big thing' to justify you leaving, I do that myself, but as others have said in the thread, you do not need any justification for wanting to be happy.

I also agree with @clementyne you will keep on pushing your boundaries further back every time something happens, and nothing will ever be big enough. Only you can make it happen, and eventually you will, and you will be free to live a peaceful life

He HAS hurt you. Just because you've put up with it for a long time doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Why would it be different this time?

You don't need any further excuses. You're miserable and he's making it worse.