I’m clueless, truly, please help 😂

[Notmyyearthisyear]

I’ve been on OLD for a short time, mostly watching and not at all engaged, even he my profile hidden for stretches of time.
Last night found a message in my inbox… from somebody I know in real life! And actually like the look of, but assumed he was happily married 😂 I always tend to assume everyone else has their sh*t together, unlike me…
anyway… we only interacted briefly a couple of times in RL so not even that sure he recognised me on OLD… so I responded with a jokey message saying ‘hi, this is rather awkward.. assuming that you actually recognised me?’ followed by a smiley face… he read it later that night and hasn’t responded since.
have I blown it? Be brutally honest! I know messages can be hard to interpret, did mine have the potential to come across not as intended (jokey and light hearted!)
thanks if you made it that far! x

By the way, an update for everyone concerned about the wife. I’ve done a bit of detective work and everything checks out. No wife. All info true and accurate!

But no more contact. Time to write it off me thinks!

I agree. OP said it was awkward, so now he feels awkward. I would also ignore after that.

OP, you need to make the next move. Just keep it light and don't over invest.

you should arrange an actual date ASAP

This!!!

also, don’t discount someone just because you’re not hitting it off in writing - just meet for coffee - quickly!

I believe your first message could be interpreted as rejection, and that's why he didn't answer. Since he didn't recognize you at first, he may have felt awkward when you pointed it out in your follow up message, therefore the dpacing in the messages: akwardness or trying to say thr right thing and overthinking. If you will still see him irl (I am guessing at his work?) he doesn't want to look bad.
I agree you should ask to go for a hike or coffee date. Your first message came as uninterested and he may feel friendzoned but you writing as vourtesy since you recognized him.

@Mspiaget @poundshoptealights @YouTarzan appreciate you coming back to respond!
But I ended my last message with an open invitation for him to contact me again, and he hasn’t. I really don’t think I’ve got it in me to keep going and writing, let alone arranging a date , I’d feel like I’m imposing.

Just write something like "Got any nice plans for the weekend?" - if he's interested he can start up the conversation again, if he can't be bothered you can write him off. And interact with some other profiles. These are people who don't know you, and you don't know them. It's not worth spending too much time analysing their behaviour. All you're trying to do is see whether they want to meet up.

Clearly some of you are so much more adept at this game!
i think part of the problem with me is that I find it difficult to be interested in most of the men that I match with online, or come across in real life. The spark is such an elusive thing for me that when I get a glimpse of it, I find it difficult to let go (at least in my head, as I clearly said that I’m planning to let this one go!).
anyone else who feels like that?

I'm quite avoidant by nature, which probably helps in this particular situation 😂
I have "done OLD" a couple of times. On both occasions I had first dates with multiple men within a short time, and on both occasions I then went out with the one I'd found most interesting. So I could have just ignored the others and only focused on the interesting ones. But actually I found it useful to meet the others and confirm that although they were attractive or looked good "on paper", the extra-interesting one really was more interesting than them. It was nice to go out and meet people, and practise dating! And it probably made me more laid back about whether I met/got on with the interesting ones.

If you're not interested in these men, how are you matching with them?

Because I stupidly signed up to a site which claims to know better than me who I’m compatible with… so in effect pretty much anyone can contact me, and I choose who I respond to. Is t it the same for most dating sites, except a few? Hadn’t really used others.

You are probably right @80s that I should just put some time and effort in to properly gauge the scene and get a better understanding of how it all works. I just really don’t feel like doing it unless I feel there’s potential there immediately! I’m not that determined to meet someone either, so perhaps that’s another reason I do t put in the hard work.
but I feel like we’re diverging from the main question at the moment, which is whether I’m possibly missing out on something by being overly avoidant and playing it extra safe and the other person might be doing exactly the same… 🤷

The apps I used only gave me a "match" if I liked the man's profile and he liked mine. I got messages from other men, too, but that wasn't a match.
It's normal for there to be loads of men on the site that you're not in the slightest bit interested in.

By my standards you're overanalysing it, and choosing not to write to someone you're interested in for reasons that are totally beyond my comprehension :) but you have to find the way that suits you, not everyone on MN.

The reason is that we chatted briefly in the end, after the initial confusion, and then he hasn’t been in touch since. Which to me means that he is not interested. Am I really missing something there?

so far I ended the chat first yesterday evening but with an open invitation for him to write again, he hasn’t yet, I’ve got no plans to reach out first, rightly or wrongly!

one conversation so far which I cut short as, to be entirely honest, I was feeling a little put out by the fact that the responses were coming every few minutes.

You can judge better whether it seems worth pursuing, or whether he was showing any interest, but this gave me the impression that you ended the conversation because he was too slow, and set yourself/him a condition that he'd have to write next, rather than just having a friendly, casual chat that you could have continued. It sounds like you are not very interested?

@80s I can totally see where you are coming from, and it makes sense to me because if I was at the other end I’d interpret it exactly the same! but at the same time so many people say that if a man wants to reach out they will and all that, and rightly or wrongly, I have the expectation that a man should perhaps take more risk and more initiative in such situation. Yes, I’m impossible to help! I wouldn’t blame you if you were getting immensely frustrated with me by now 😂

Maybe your method gets you men who are more intrepid :)
I just tend to think that a man won't be that interested based on a profile or a bit of chitchat. I wouldn't expect him to "chase" me based on that. My photos are not that stunning :)

@80s , I don’t want a man that is intrepid! Quite the opposite, I want a quiet one. But at the same time, my behaviour is making sure that I don’t get one! Gosh, what an insight to make, thank you!

I need to sign up on some dating preparation course 😂😂

my profile photos are definitely not stunning. I could have some much better ones, but I purposefully picked some that show me looking just ok and as you’d see me on an average day. Maybe that’s another mistake.

anyone can recommend a dating coach?? Do such people exist? 😂😂

If anyone is not doing much this evening and not yet bored to death of this thread, please do come and contribute your thoughts, as I’m still as confused as I was at the start 🙂