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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’m clueless, truly, please help 😂

68 replies

Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 07:30

I’ve been on OLD for a short time, mostly watching and not at all engaged, even he my profile hidden for stretches of time.
Last night found a message in my inbox… from somebody I know in real life! And actually like the look of, but assumed he was happily married 😂 I always tend to assume everyone else has their sh*t together, unlike me…
anyway… we only interacted briefly a couple of times in RL so not even that sure he recognised me on OLD… so I responded with a jokey message saying ‘hi, this is rather awkward.. assuming that you actually recognised me?’ followed by a smiley face… he read it later that night and hasn’t responded since.
have I blown it? Be brutally honest! I know messages can be hard to interpret, did mine have the potential to come across not as intended (jokey and light hearted!)
thanks if you made it that far! x

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Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 16:15

@Flyinggeesei234 i know what you mean, I suppose I meant (in my head) that when on OLD, you’re not actually expecting to meet people you already know… but I expressed it badly!
no emojis you say? You’re probably right. oh dear. It’s complicated business all this, especially when you’re two decades out of dating practice and slightly socially awkward at best of times 🤦🏼‍♀️

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Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 16:16

Shall I just send out a simple clarification message now without overthinking it any further?

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Flyinggeesei234 · 15/03/2023 16:36

No emojis but I know not everyone feels like this so just be yourself.

A previous poster had a good suggestion on wording.

I hope you get a reply.

Flyinggeesei234 · 15/03/2023 16:38

Cleargreysky · 15/03/2023 11:56

If I didn’t know you, and I got that message from you, I would probably be confused and may not respond. It is a bit cryptic. Why not follow up with, ‘ Sorry, my last message might have been a bit cryptic. We’ve met before at xxx. I wasn’t sure if you recognized me. Happy to chat if you’d like to : )’.

@Notmyyearthisyear I like this poster’s suggested wording.

Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 16:50

Me too @Flyinggeesei234 , I’ve already made a note of it 😂😂 so thanks again @Cleargreysky !

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YouTarzan · 15/03/2023 16:52

yes, awkward is not a good thing! I would definitely take that as a brush off!

Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 18:44

Well, in case any of you are eagerly awaiting an update… 😂
I sent the message you helpfully composed for me and he responded.
we chatted for a bit and definitely not a player, as some of the posters suspected. quite the opposite. But the initial conversation didn’t flow as smoothly as I had hoped.
I know you guys will tell me it’s a numbers game, but I hate the idea of going through the numbers!!

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HagoftheNorth · 15/03/2023 18:59

Give him a chance - you probably spooked him with your first message, it’s ok for him to be a bit nervous (that’s what I think anyway!)

Notmyyearthisyear · 15/03/2023 19:05

You are probably right @HagoftheNorth . It’s like, he was asking me all the questions that he could already find the answer to on my profile, and I noticed he checked it a few times. With long pauses in between, which I immediately interpreted to mean that he was chatting to multiple women at the same time!!
But I guess that’s how people make conversation a lot of the time, it’s just not quite how my mind works!

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YouTarzan · 15/03/2023 21:56

I find there is literally zero correlation betrween who i get on with online and in real life.

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 07:23

@YouTarzan you could e interpret it to mean that either that there’s no point in online dating, or that you should arrange an actual date ASAP! Which one is it? 🙂

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BeepBleep · 16/03/2023 08:04

Fantastic online talkers can suck in person. Chemistry is vastly different in real life to online.

Questions97 · 16/03/2023 08:31

My tip for OLD is to meet as soon as possible especially with someone you know and don't chat away all day. You are too important and busy to do that. You can have fantastic chats with someone for months and then instantly not like them or chats can be really boring because they feel nervous or they are just bored of having the same conversations all the time or they just don't express themselves well in writing. As he knows you in real life he is probably treading more carefully than he normally would.

You have met this guy and fancied him in real life so there is a chance of a spark. If he hasn't asked you out yet I would stay offline a while and then message saying, 'sorry so busy I haven't got time to log in shall we arrange a quick coffee next week?'

Also don't exchange phone numbers with anyone until after the first date is arranged otherwise the endless chat just goes to whataspp.

Good luck OP, keep updating us, we are rooting for you!

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 08:57

That’s so nice of you to say @Questions97 thank you! I totally feel like I need a handhold at every step of this process!
so far I ended the chat first yesterday evening but with an open invitation for him to write again, he hasn’t yet, I’ve got no plans to reach out first, rightly or wrongly!

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1982rarah · 16/03/2023 10:03

Is he married or not then?

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 10:53

definitely not married @1982rarah, divorced for some time.

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Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2023 11:01

I don't see anything wrong with the message. Textbook overthinking on thid thread.

If he's not thinking 'shit, maybe I've dated her already' on 'shit, she must know I have a gf' then there's no reason he wouldn't message back for clarity.

Me aren't fussy. They also tend to get a lot less replies than us online. So be wary at the ones that take ages to respond (aka, appear online but don't reply). Sometimes it can indicate they are headfuckers who want you to 'chase' them. Not always, sometimes people are just busy...but, just be aware.

Justforlaffs · 16/03/2023 11:05

I’m going to go with he’s married and has messaged you not realising you know him.

And yeah, now he’s shitting himself. Do a bit of detective work and I’m sure you’ll find he is still “happily married”. You sound a bit naïve op.

Which dating website was it?

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 12:38

EH. not sure how that would make a difference @Justforlaffs , what are your thoughts? genuinely curious and keen to get as much education in OLD from this thread as possible, thanks in advance 🙂

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80s · 16/03/2023 13:33

Don't get overly familiar when texting, or do it too long without meeting, as it can create a kind of "fake boyfriend" situation where you're acting like you know each other. When you do meet, you might discover he's not for you, and then it's awkward to "end" the non-relationship.

Don't use a jokey style when texting, or make hints; be as clear and unambiguous as possible to avoid misunderstandings. People on OLD come from the full spectrum of jobs, education, political beliefs and social settings and you can't assume they're on the same wavelength. You can show them your GSOH when you meet and can judge them better.

Go to a date knowing how you are going to end the evening if you a) like him, b) need another date or c) are not interested. Just a simple phrase like "It's been lovely meeting you but I guess we're pretty different/there doesn't seem much of a spark so I don't want to waste your time" / "How did you feel about it - would you like to try another date?" / "I've had a great time, text me if you're interested in another date".

Many people have multiple early dates, it doesn't say anything about you as they don't actually know you. In fact, if you're up for it, going on multiple dates yourself can be a good way of ensuring that you keep your options open and are not as bothered if someone doesn't want to meet again.

Watch out for your safety - don't accept lifts or meet for strong drinks at first. Plan your route home, meet for a quick coffee "on your way to meet friends".

There are plenty of liars on there, claiming to be unmarried/separated when this is simply not the case. Signs of this include living a long way away from you (so you won't pop in unexpectedly), there being some reason why you can't visit their house, them not answering calls in your presence or only being able to meet at certain times. Sure, it could all be innocent, but keep an eye open and use condoms.

AdamRyan · 16/03/2023 13:37

Did he recognise you then?
If he recognised you and messaged you that shows there is a spark and he's probably been interested in irl but didn't know your "status" either. So ask him out irl ASAP!
If he didn't then I'd feel a bit less enthusiastic tbh

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 13:50

Great tips @80s thank you!! Especially with the jokes, I should have figured it out myself especially with my sense of humour… it can be so dry sometimes people I know well miss the fact I’m actually joking 😂
@AdamRyan , apparently he didn’t recognise me, no. But that’s perfectly possible because of the setting we met in irl, I don’t want to say exactly as too outing but let’s just say he had an active role to play and I was mostly an observer, with minimal interaction.

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Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 13:51

Also @AdamRyan theres absolutely zero chance I’m asking him or anyone out first, I’m really old fashioned like that and would expect the man to make that move… 🤷

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80s · 16/03/2023 14:05

There are quite a few men on there who are happy to chat for ages (not that interested in your profile or not used to OLD), and it can make things awkward later if it goes on for long. They can't see you, they can't judge the situation; they don't know whether they like you or how interested you are. It's honestly worth at least saying "It's been nice talking to you but I don't like to chat too long on OLD before meeting", "Have you got any plans for this weekend?" or "Have you seen that new sushi bar? I'd love to try some sushi."

Notmyyearthisyear · 16/03/2023 14:30

@80s great suggestions, thank you.
I’m not at this stage with this one (or with anyone else tbh) , we’ve barely had one conversation so far which I cut short as, to be entirely honest, I was feeling a little put out by the fact that the responses were coming every few minutes. I know it means he could have been trying to fit me in when he was actually busy, but I interpreted it to mean that he was chatting to others at the same time or not interested 😂

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