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Original poster

Separated but living together - can it work?

39 replies

Magicmushy · 14/03/2023 22:25

Dh and I have decided to separate after 15 years of marriage, kids… it’s going okay, we’re fairly amicable (after years of trying to make it work) but we can’t live separately for a while - maybe up to a year, for financial and other reasons.

So we are going to have to stay in the same house, probably sharing a bed (no spare room)… has anyone done this? Does it seem realistic? Any tips for survival welcome…

OP posts:
todaystoday · 14/03/2023 22:47

I am in the thick of it (3 months in). However not so amicable and I’m in the spare room.

my experience has not been good- but this is because Ex dh has just been so mean and unaccepting my decision.
i think it could be different if we could be polite to each other.

Reidd · 14/03/2023 23:12

have not done this myself but my ex sil did. she occupied one floor (basement. this was not in the UK) and he occupied the ground floor. didn't work well when they wanted to bring their new partners over.

bear in mind if you're headed towards divorce you're supposed to 'live separately' for two years which means not sleeping in the same bed. realistically tho how would the court ever know unless one of you fought it.

GetOffMyDoorJack · 14/03/2023 23:23

God don't share a bed! That would be a line drawn in the sand for me, even if you have to take turns on an airbed or the sofa. I know someone who tried living together in separate rooms and it was fine until one of them met someone and the other one couldn't cope. How would you feel if your OH met someone? How would he react if you did? How do you think they would feel if they knew you were sharing a bed let alone still living together. And while it may not be on the cards now you don't know who or what is around the corner.

FatGirlSwim · 14/03/2023 23:39

We did it for a few months but one of us on a sofa bed!! I’d draw the line at sharing a bed even if one of you has to sleep on the sofa.

I know someone who lives with her ex, their kids, and her new partner too, ex has own room! It can be done. I wouldn’t want to do it for longer than necessary though, and no shared bed!

FatGirlSwim · 14/03/2023 23:40

I also know someone who lived non-amicably on separate floors of a house for a year.

SugarPlumpFairy3 · 14/03/2023 23:50

Yes, we did this. We’d been married for 16 years and exdh ended it just over 3 years ago, so just before the first lockdown. I moved out almost a year later.

It was a weird time but it was ok. It helped that we still got along and cared about each other (despite me being devastated) and we were both sensible…definitely no new partners on the scene. We did continue to share a bed as we didn’t have a spare (and we didn’t tell the dc until I’d found a house to buy-covid slowed everything).

It’s doable but you both need to be understanding of each other.

Aweebitpainful · 15/03/2023 00:34

Not for me. We tried this for a while and lasted four months ish. Living together afterward separating has messed with my head. That’s not saying it can’t be done… but I definitely couldn’t do a year. Too easy for boundaries to become blurred and trampled.

If you are intent on this then at least get a sofa bed or two singles.

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 06:29

Thanks all - yes might need to get a sofa bed!

OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 15/03/2023 06:32

ExDH and I could probably have done it if we’d had to . However I know of someone who had to do this and her ex was very unaccepting of the split and was horrible to her. She ended up having a complete mental breakdown and spent months in a psychiatric ward. So be very sure youre
both on the same page.

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 07:01

Thank you @devildeepbluesea yes to be honest I’m already starting to struggle, maybe why I posted. I find it very hard to sleep in the same bed - still find myself wanting a cuddle which is upsetting obviously. But we’re not horrible to each other, which is something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 09:22

Anyone else dealt with this ?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/03/2023 09:28

6 months seperate rooms, it wasn't particularly amicable but we were able to be diplomatic mostly. I definitely wouldn't sleep in the same bed. Get an air bed or something?

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 09:58

Thanks @supercali77 , yes I think the sleeping in the same bed has to end now. I am going to pledge never to do it again, it’s too upsetting (DH originally instigated the split).

OP posts:
Justsadallthetime · 15/03/2023 12:30

I'm about 6 months into this. Also no spare room so mostly I sleep with my littlest and XH sleeps in the kid bed. It's going to be another year before I can move out but in the meantime there are breaks--I'm taking kids to stay with family for a big chunk of April, then I'm away with work for a month, and we are thinking of trying to get housesitting arrangements for after that. It's not easy, especially as I have met someone who I think/hope is interested in me but has too much integrity to make a move until I am less enmeshed (or is just not interested in me that waySad).

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 12:36

Hi @Justsadallthetime , sorry to hear you’re going through this too but sounds like you’ve got some good strategies - I want to develop some of these too and housesitting sounds good. Going to have a chat with H where we lay out some ground rules - no 1 being no more sleeping in the same bed…

Re other people have you both agreed you can see other people? Just out of interest. We discussed this but decided against… but it’s confusing in terms of whether we are separated or not.

OP posts:
spelunky · 15/03/2023 12:40

I have done this but we were not sleeping in the same room. It was a weird time but it was OK and we got through it. It was less than 6 months and neither of us would have wanted it to last any longer.

It's quite hard to do it whilst living in the same house but really, I don't think you can possibly be 'separated' if you are still sharing the same bed. You need to be in different rooms at the absolute minimum, otherwise it will make things very complicated, trust me. It's hard enough in separate rooms.

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 12:45

Thanks @spelunky - my H is absolutely fine with sharing a bed despite deciding to separate… but I’ve decided I really can’t do it anymore. It’s too intimate and confusing.

OP posts:
Justsadallthetime · 15/03/2023 13:03

Gosh, I am so not ready to see anyone else, despite my crush. XH has asked if he can and I said not until we have proper separate rooms and definitely not until the children know (we live in a small town; as soon as he signed up for OLD everyone would know). But I might need to reconsider those if things do go anywhere with my crush when I've got my own place (two hours away from home) for all of May Wink.

spelunky · 15/03/2023 13:53

Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 12:45

Thanks @spelunky - my H is absolutely fine with sharing a bed despite deciding to separate… but I’ve decided I really can’t do it anymore. It’s too intimate and confusing.

Yeah - if you've decided to split then - in my experience - you need to have as much of a split as you can to save you both emotional turmoil. Your H is probably not quite thinking it through properly at this stage and the effect it could have on you both keeping that level of intimacy. It can draw out the pain and become very confusing and complicated. It's hard but the less you behave like a couple, the easier it will be for you both.

Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 16:48

I felt relieved at first but then I think sleeping in the same bed (amongst other things) has made things ‘confusing and complicated’, as you say @spelunky, now I feel quite depressed tbh. Just that sense of wanting to be hugged but knowing it’s not meant to happen…

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 16:49

H genuinely seems to feel fine about it, probably because he doesn’t seem very upset about the split in general…

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 15/03/2023 18:03

I'd ask him to move out.

He won't want to as it benefits him to stay there.

Sleeping in the same bed, you continuing to do all the chores, cooking, wifework, not having to pay child maintenance, or you while he goes plays with the ow.

InBedBy10 · 15/03/2023 18:05

I did I with my ex for 3 months. At the beginning I really thought I could do it long term as we were very amicable but i quickly realised it wasn't working. TBH it's hard to get over a break up when you're still living together. In alot of ways the break up didn't feel real until he moved out. After 20yrs together we needed a proper break. I needed a fresh start and I couldn't have that with my ex still around.

I'm not saying this to be mean but I think the reason your ex is fine sharing a bed is because he doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore. Men can be very black and white about things. He's being selfish and frankly tone deaf to not realise that this could be hard for you.

BigBlueSloth · 15/03/2023 18:22

Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 16:49

H genuinely seems to feel fine about it, probably because he doesn’t seem very upset about the split in general…

Of course he doesn't, as right now he's got the best of both worlds. He's told you he wants to split so he can go off and do what he wants but at the same time he's still got you at home and in his bed and knows if he ever wants a cuddle or possibly more then he can probably get it. I don't mean that horribly towards you, it's just I've been in your position before and it's awful. We kept sleeping in the same bed and even though he was the one that said he wanted to split he'd still try to cuddle me and instigate sex and I'd usually let him because I was heartbroken and didn't want to split. It was an awful time. You don't get that proper closure and it leaves you so confused. Definitely try to split properly and live in separate houses but if that's not possible yet, then at the very least sleep in separate rooms and no hugging.

Mamette · 15/03/2023 18:26

I am going to pledge never to do it again, it’s too upsetting (DH originally instigated the split).

Oh OP I’m so sorry and you sound lovely. But if H wants to split then let him find somewhere else to sleep, you shouldn’t have to be in this situation because of his decision.

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