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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated but living together - can it work?

39 replies

Magicmushy · 14/03/2023 22:25

Dh and I have decided to separate after 15 years of marriage, kids… it’s going okay, we’re fairly amicable (after years of trying to make it work) but we can’t live separately for a while - maybe up to a year, for financial and other reasons.

So we are going to have to stay in the same house, probably sharing a bed (no spare room)… has anyone done this? Does it seem realistic? Any tips for survival welcome…

OP posts:
neurosensitive · 15/03/2023 19:55

He can either go and stay with his family or rent somewhere.

Newestname002 · 15/03/2023 22:16

Magicmushy · 15/03/2023 06:29

Thanks all - yes might need to get a sofa bed!

Or two single beds in your current bedroom if there's space enough? 🌹

Dixiechick1991 · 05/01/2024 06:54

Hi OP.
im living the same life now and wondered how you were getting on x

Original poster
Magicmushy · 05/01/2024 12:47

Hi @Dixiechick1991, sorry to hear you are going through this. Things have moved on for us now to an extent - haven't slept in the same bed for ages and about to start living apart in a few weeks.

It's sad to read this thread - I remember how upsetting it was to share a bed in particular Sad But things are looking more hopeful now we have decided on a way forward...

How are things for you?

OP posts:
Dixiechick1991 · 05/01/2024 12:57

Very raw. It’s been five months, the first two he lived in an Airbnb to try get his head together but couldn’t afford that long term.

he switches between staying with our ds and the bed - no space for a spare bed/sofa bed unfortunately so it would have to be the sofa and I don’t want to have my two young children asking questions until everything is final. I’m still in that hope period stupidly - and questioning why he’d want to throw away the whole family life. We didn’t argue just he got “bored” because of the routine.

i am glad to hear you’re getting somewhere now because this stage of limbo is hideous.

Original poster
Magicmushy · 05/01/2024 13:05

@Dixiechick1991 yes it is hideous, my heart goes out to you. For us it took almost two years of 'limbo' to get to a point of agreement - I hope it doesn't last as long for you. The hope is horrible, I am happier now tbh (despite the pain and sadness of splitting) because the trying and failing to make it work was agony. Have you tried couples therapy? That can help to clarify things either way, as can individual therapy/counselling if that's possible. Also I wonder if you can go away for a few days/stay with friends or family? I always found it helpful to get away for a fresh perspective. Feel free to DM me or you might find it helpful to start your own thread - there is lots of good advice on Mumsnet. All the best to you, I do hope things work out sooner rather than later, one way or another. I am tempted to say find a way to live apart, at least for now, but I understand how difficult that is financially.

On a side note, and perhaps not helpfully, is being 'bored' of routine really his reason for the split? That sounds pretty infantile, if I may say.

OP posts:
Dixiechick1991 · 05/01/2024 13:09

Maybe I stand more of a chance now we’ve got through Christmas - it’s not nice to bother anyone when it’s supposed to be lovely and festive.

I went to counselling 3 times but due to childcare issues and the sheer cost of it £60 for 45 minutes - I just couldn’t keep it up.
i have suggested couples therapy to him but I don’t think he’s interested - he’s a very impulsive person and we’ve been together since we were 15 & now in our 30s - so I’ve been the longest thing he’s ever stuck at

RantyAnty · 05/01/2024 18:52

Thanks for the update and glad to hear that things are moving forward and you'll both be having your own places soon.

Freesiabee1 · 05/03/2024 06:28

I've been living this life for four years because of finances and family related constraints. I just can't see an end to it because everything is so complicated.
It's really good that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now, it gives me a bit of hope.

BeCalmRaven · 27/04/2024 12:05

Hello Ladies,
I am joining you in the misery and heart break.
Last Sunday my H told me he wants to leave, we talked yesterday and decided that we cannot financially deal with that at the moment. Decided to move to separate rooms and rethink in a few months time. We have two kids. He has typical midlife crises, feels that he needs to try living on his own and be his own man! I was blindsided. I'm going through various stages and can hardly cope mentally and physically..

Broken12 · 21/05/2024 22:55

BeCalmRaven · 27/04/2024 12:05

Hello Ladies,
I am joining you in the misery and heart break.
Last Sunday my H told me he wants to leave, we talked yesterday and decided that we cannot financially deal with that at the moment. Decided to move to separate rooms and rethink in a few months time. We have two kids. He has typical midlife crises, feels that he needs to try living on his own and be his own man! I was blindsided. I'm going through various stages and can hardly cope mentally and physically..

Hi. How are you getting on? I’m in a similar position that he wants to go be single and find happiness. He has suggested tonight we carry on living together for a bit as if not it’s going to be a financial and logistical nightmare with the kids. We could afford it but our lives would completely change

Sara40 · 27/05/2024 07:14

Hi ladies me and my husband separated in October last year and still live in our marital home
while it’s selling. We do share the same bed but there’s nothing there from my side an he is ok with it to now, most nights we don’t go to bed at the same time anyway. We are quite far away from each other in the bed. We have a 5 year old son an have just told him what’s happening which was so so hard. It’s been hard living together we are up an down some days we are good others not so. I am currently waiting for a new build to be built so we may have another 6 months of this. Financially we have no choice. But things aren’t to bad. I just can’t wait to start my new life with my son. It’s a long process all this. I think our divorce will be finalised in the next 2 months roughly. It’s not easy! I’m having therapy which is amazing sometimes I feel very alone as I don’t know anyone in this situation and some of my friends haven’t been there for me I don’t feel. Hang in there x

Adge1616 · 24/07/2024 04:43

I'm heading into this now. Husband told me he didn't want to work on our marriage because he had made a "new connection" with someone. I stupidly always thought that being in a long term relationship meant you ignored that you fancied other people, stuck together and faced the ups and downs of life.
Yesterday he informed me of this while he's on holiday with son. Over WhatsApp!!!! Didn't even call when chat got serious!!!!
I think he's missing his work flirtation more than our life. We have children, the youngest of whom has additional needs and is very behind developmentally. I feel he's chosen the easy way rather than fighting for and with us.
He wants us to be housemates.
I feel like he's leaving me dangling. Housemates I could probably try (it's a big house and we don't hate each other) but when I said to him that I was under no illusion he'd change his mind, his answer was that anything can change in the future. So like he's going to try to see if he can get this girl and if can't take up with me again? Or is it something he needs to get over.
Daughter thinks he's having a midlife crisis... this is his last ditched attempt at being attractive and getting a new woman. He turns 50 in a month.
I think he's enjoying the freedom of the flirt and the fun.
I'm heartbroken. Just so gutted. I love him and I don't want to be going through this at all. I thought he was the one I'd grow old with.

Py8 · 07/08/2024 16:25

Hi there

I hope someone can help me and share there experience.
iam in a 17 yr marriage. We tried working it out but unfortunately it hasn’t turned out that way. I live in uk, British citizen 46 yr old .i have no children. I have been a house wife tried few jobs & wanted to study further but everytime got played in by my husband’s talk that I don’t hv to blah blah blah. Always entertaining my in laws from day 1. Lost my self esteem etc on the way. To cut the long story short I have no savings & we hv been living in separate rooms for the last 5 yrs.
everytime I try to make it on my own iam mebtally & emotionally tortured that how nice he & his family is! I can’t make it on my own & that iam a gold digger.
now that it has seriously started to effect me health I need to take a stand. As only iam living my life & my head been messed up by his manipulative behaviour. Always turning around things a normal conversation turns into gaslighting and emotional torture.
anywats coming to the point iam trying to find a job to get on my feet as he pays for everything. I hv no money to a lawyer fees.
he is a tax payer and we hv not been on benefits ever. Now in my situation I don’t know what to do. Bcoz it feels like women with kids or on benefit hv help but a person in my situation I dong know what to do?
i just want to live separate away from him , get my life back, work & breath & think normally. But at the moment I hv no support just dependent on him in every aspect.
will appreciate if someone can help me and give some way out. Thank you.

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