Relationship with an offender *may be triggering*

[SensitivelyNC]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in the relationship or crime section. It’s hard to know where to begin, too.

Someone close to me, I’ll call her B, has been in a relationship with a man since July last year. A few weeks ago, totally out the blue, the man said he needed to tell the police he stays at her house regularly because he is a registered sex offender. B was knocked sideways by this but fortunately ended it immediately.

He is on the sex offenders register for a rape he committed.

It was a horrible shock for B. It was also very difficult and sensitive for me, because I am a victim of this crime. I put this aside as much as I could to support B, but it was very hard.

A couple of weeks after ending it with him, B saw him at a party. Since then, she has gone back to seeing him like normal. She has gone from saying things like ‘I don’t deserve to be with a rapist’ to ‘I think there’s more to it’ and ‘he doesn’t remember what happened’.

FWIW he didn’t deny what he did at trial so there’s no doubt about his conviction.

I’m so worried for her. She has a long history of abusive relationships. This was the first time she had ended a relationship, she normally chases after these awful men despite being assaulted and abused by them.

She thinks this is her last chance to have a family (turning 30 this year) despite knowing he had SS involvement with a child he had before she knew him, due to his conviction.

Surely he has breached probation guidelines by hiding this from her for months? Surely if he has to tell the police where he stays he should have told them straight away - he has stayed at hers every weekend for months?

Is there anyone I can talk to for help with this? How can I support her without condoning the relationship?

It’s breaking my heart that she would entertain someone who has done this, knowing the lifelong impact it had on me. He has also been around my child (never unsupervised) which has brought up really horrible feelings too.

Contact police and request a Clare’s Law disclosure on her behalf. That way they are notified about the behaviour and can check what she knows about him.

Does she have any children?

Personally I would have to make my feelings very clear and refuse to be around him. And just wait to pick up the pieces if it all fell apart.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this 💐

Surely she’d be better off going to a sperm bank than having a child with a rapist? - not helpful, sorry. If she has a history of abusive relationships she needs therapy, there is a programme called the Freedom programme I believe. Hopefully others will be along soon with more advice.

Thank you for the replies.

She doesn’t have any children. I’ll look into Clare’s law, she does know some of the details of the case because it was reported in the press. I haven’t seen him since he revealed all this, it just feels impossible to have a relationship with her while he’s in her life too.

He's convicted.
When you think about what % of rapes end in a conviction, it's miniscule.
That means he's really fucking dangerous.
If she pursues this, I would cut her off.

I actually said about donor conception to her, if having a family is the driving force behind it all. I wish she would have therapy, at the moment she’s saying she doesn’t want any, although she has been more open minded to it in the past.

Me too

I would tell her that it’s pointless wanting to have children with this lowlife because any children would be likely to be taken into care if she persisted in having children with a rapist.

And I would see to it that social services were made aware if she fell pregnant.

Sorry but anyone who has a relationship with a known rapist is no better than they are.

She would be dead to me. After I’d informed the whom so ever about his staying there.

And I most certainly wouldn’t be there to pick up the pieces. She’s an adult. She’s capable of fucking up her own life.

You need to think of yourself and your child. You don’t need any past trauma being brought back to the surface and this man is very unsafe to have near your child.
Your friend is a grown woman, if she CHOOSES to have such low standards to keep a man like this in her life that’s up to her. Don’t let her drag you into any drama. Unless you feel like she doesn’t have the mental capacity to make her own decisions I would leave her to it. She’s not thinking of you in this situation when she knows your past, remember that.

All of this.

Just walk away from this friendship OP.

You can't 'save' your friend, she's happy to have sex with a rapist.

just look after you and your child.

Is that true that a sex offender cannot father further children even after they have served their time etc?

Not saying it shouldn't be so but in the light of the recent aristo mum on the run/ tragic baby case it would make sense why SS were going to remove the baby at birth( and previous children)

Yeah so really stupid for OPs friend to want this fella for father material

If your friend has a pattern of falling for abusive men and is now dating a registered sex offender, then I hope to goodness she never has children. She needs to seriously sort herself out before she thinks of bringing a child in the world. She currently can’t look after herself so she certainly can’t look after a child.

Crikey, she's only 30, she's got a decade or more left in her fertility window with luck.

Honestly, for your own wellbeing, I think you should take a big step away from the friendship.

You can't live her life for her, and if she's determined to pursue a relationship with a convicted rapist - frankly I wouldn't want to be around him, or have my kids around him. So that would severely limit the friendship anyway.

I think you need to think of yourself here. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I wouldn't say anything more to her now and just keep having something come up each time she wants to meet up, let the friendship melt away (you can always come back if and when she gets rid of him) look after yourself and your dc xxx I hope she sees the light

How can she possibly think that he would be a good father? I wish there was some sort of AA for people in this sort of relationship where they could get support face-to-face with other people who'd gone through it all.

I think I'd let her get on with it personally. You've tried talking to her. I understand she is somewhat vulnerable after previous abusive relationships but she is well aware of what this man is like and is justifying being with him by way of selfish and spurious reasons because he has clearly told her whatever she wants to hear. Why does she think a child deserves a sex offender as a father and if she knows about your experiences then why is she bothering you with all of this? If she's insistent this is what she wants then leave her to it, frankly. Let her feel the effects of the rightful stigma that is attached to sex crimes because rapists are dangerous people you don't want around yourself or your children. The apologists who stick by them aren't a great deal better.

This would be an enormous red flag re: the friendship for me. Hard as it is, I would cut off the friendship over this. I'm not sure how you can help someone who is that delusional and you will doubtless sacrifice your own MH in the process.

@WasIWasINot @BluebellBlueballs Social services wouldn't automatically remove children for a conviction of rape. They are more likely to if the rape conviction was in relation to a minor or particularly violent/relating to a history of domestic abuse. There would be lots of assessments. It's naive to assume they would jump to removing the children based on what the OP says, there are plenty of convicted rapists bringing up their children. I'm not saying this is right just how it is.

OP given your own history you would absolutely be within your rights to drop B, and I would tell her that until she has ended this relationship she is not welcome in your life.

‘he doesn’t remember what happened’.

How can I support her without condoning the relationship?

Oh OP

You don't need to support her.
I would have told her very sharply that HIS VICTIM remembers what happened, & will do so for the rest of her life.

You need to protect your mental health ahead of hers. Especially as she is giving you zero consideration here. Perhaps your optimal route is to explain to her that he is guilty AF, has broken probation, & if she's stupid enough to buy into the ridiculous notion of a "last chance baby" (at 30!!!!) she can look forward to having social services involvement.

Then tell her that you can't be around this man, don't ever want to hear about him again, & that you are sorry that this will have an inevitable impact on your friendship, but you cannot be around a rapist, & need her to respect the fact that you are deeply uncomfortable with her challenging the victim's experience with her "I think there's more to it" bullshit.

Frankly, she doesn't deserve your support & certainly not your respect.
Leave her to be a rapist's moll, she's no woman's sister.

You can't request disclosures under Claires law on her behalf. She can if she chooses to
Completely inaccurate to suggest she would have her children removed by social services because of having a child with a convicted rapist. There are huge thresholds involved with removing children which are a result of a Judge deciding that after extensive social services assessment and intervention, the child should be removed.
Being a convicted rapist wouldn't even be necessarily information that CYPSS would have without being informed by the parents of children or other parties.
Probation restrictions vary individually.

This isn't your circus to be honest. If you feel like you need to end the friendship, that's okay.

He admitted it in court. That means the evidence was highly compelling. He’s a very dangerous man.

When was the offence?
What prison term did he serve?
Have you read any press reports from the trial and know the circumstances?

She’s really going to regret this, but it sounds like she has some very deep-seated issues around relationships with men. God knows where you begin to try to help her.

I sincerely hope that OP does NOT enmesh herself with trying to help this friend.

The woman said "I think there's more to it" about a convicted rapist.
Does she think "there's more to it" about OP's rapist?

Apologies for the harsh words OP, this is so hard for you. This is not a woman you need to be around.

There's only one course of action as far as I'm concerned, and that is the friendship with the woman is over. Completely and forever. Her judgement can't be trusted.

You can request a Clare's Law disclosure on behalf of someone you are concerned about. From the Met Police, you are able to "request information about the current or ex-partner of a friend or relative because you're worried they might be at risk."

They will not disclose the information to you, but if there is something to disclose, they will contact her directly to arrange an appointment to go through his convictions and can advise her on the seriousness of the situation. She will have the opportunity to ask questions and can be referred to more support if she needs it.

I would do this. Having the police call her to express concern about her relationship may be the wake up call she needs. She won't know it was you (though she may guess) and she may not be happy about it initially, but at least you know she has all the information and she would have at least had the chance to discuss it with a neutral third party with can connect her with additional resources as needed.

@SensitivelyNC your friend's behaviour is disgusting. She knows he is dangerous and there is no real future with him but she is already making excuses and seeing him again despite knowing he forced himself on some poor woman and that you have experienced the same trauma.

She is selfish, weak and this will end in tears. She knows this too!

Honestly, you need to stop trying to protect her. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and you need to put your own well being first this time.

Tell her you can't be friends if she is going to put a convicted rapist over you.

Its even worse because the majority of rape and sexual assault don't make it to a conviction so his crimes must have been utterly abhorrent!