Relationship with an offender *may be triggering*

[SensitivelyNC]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in the relationship or crime section. It’s hard to know where to begin, too.

Someone close to me, I’ll call her B, has been in a relationship with a man since July last year. A few weeks ago, totally out the blue, the man said he needed to tell the police he stays at her house regularly because he is a registered sex offender. B was knocked sideways by this but fortunately ended it immediately.

He is on the sex offenders register for a rape he committed.

It was a horrible shock for B. It was also very difficult and sensitive for me, because I am a victim of this crime. I put this aside as much as I could to support B, but it was very hard.

A couple of weeks after ending it with him, B saw him at a party. Since then, she has gone back to seeing him like normal. She has gone from saying things like ‘I don’t deserve to be with a rapist’ to ‘I think there’s more to it’ and ‘he doesn’t remember what happened’.

FWIW he didn’t deny what he did at trial so there’s no doubt about his conviction.

I’m so worried for her. She has a long history of abusive relationships. This was the first time she had ended a relationship, she normally chases after these awful men despite being assaulted and abused by them.

She thinks this is her last chance to have a family (turning 30 this year) despite knowing he had SS involvement with a child he had before she knew him, due to his conviction.

Surely he has breached probation guidelines by hiding this from her for months? Surely if he has to tell the police where he stays he should have told them straight away - he has stayed at hers every weekend for months?

Is there anyone I can talk to for help with this? How can I support her without condoning the relationship?

It’s breaking my heart that she would entertain someone who has done this, knowing the lifelong impact it had on me. He has also been around my child (never unsupervised) which has brought up really horrible feelings too.

I would find it very, very hard to have a friendship with a woman who makes excuses for such an awful crime and wants to bring a rapist into my life. I don’t think I would tread lightly, I think I’d tell her I’m disgusted by her choice to date and potentially have a baby with a rapist and that I can’t be in her life anymore, but if she ever wakes the fuck up and realises that being in a relationship with a man at any expense, isn’t the most important thing in the world, then she’s welcome to find me again.

I would step away from the friendship . Especially due to what you have suffered

Tell her you cant be associated with a rapist. I couldn't personally

She needs a hard shake. She's only turning 30 and thinks a rapist is her last chance for kids? She's delusional

I couldn't be associated with such a weak and selfish person. Sorry for what you have suffered OP

I am in a very similar situation except it's DV not rape.

I have had to step back from the friendship because she's so deep in his bullshit that nothing I say makes a difference.

I'll just be here when she, inevitably, needs me.

I don't understand why she would want her child to be fathered by a convicted rapist even if it is her 'last chance'-I don't suppose there is such a thing as a 'rapist gene' but why take the risk?

I'd have to step away from the friendship. There is no way I could sit and watch this play out. She's knowingly planning to have a child with a dangerous man, and once that happens she is forever connected to him.

Does she realise any baby they had could potentially be taken away at birth?

Tell her that good parenting starts with the very careful selection of the other parent.

@furryfrontbottom I don't understand why she would want her child to be fathered by a convicted rapist even if it is her 'last chance'

Ugh! Sadly some women are so needy and have so little self esteem. Makes me feel sick. Imagine the kids she wanted so much finding out that mummy was so desperate she had kids with a rapist. They will not be boasting about it at school that is for sure.

He's probably lied to her about his offence (s) ; am application via Clair's Law should clarify.

What the charges were; how many convictions he has, did he plead guilty and what was the sentence.

Your friend needs to understand that the presence of a convicted sex offender in her home, can have severe consequences for her self, regarding her employment, property insurers etc.

unlock.org.uk/advice/sexual-offence-convictions-what-you-need-to-know/

"Being convicted of a sexual offence can impact on other family members, especially if they work with or have children of their own.

If your partner’s occupation involves working with children and/or vulnerable adults then the police may feel it necessary to inform their employers of your conviction. If they need an enhanced DBS check then the police may choose to disclose your conviction as police intelligence (sometimes referred to as additional information) if they believe it is necessary.

Thank you for all of your replies.

She does work in a role that requires DBS clearance. It was widely reported in the press too.

I think most of you are right in that I can’t have a relationship with her while he’s in her life. It’s taking up a lot of my headspace with worry for her, difficult feelings and memories for me. I also have a young baby so I can’t afford to not be strong now.

Without naming names, If she wants children with him ask her to have a think about the tragic outcome of a recent headlines case where a couple went into hiding from the authorities for months. It's not impossible that her own future could have dreadful similarities. It doesn't sound like she makes the best choices with me if she usually chases after wronguns.

You'd be surprised. We've seen this unfold quite tragically on the news in recent weeks. It's difficult to understand why, but some women do choose to have children with known sex offenders. At a guess it may be a matter of putting their own needs before that of any potential future children.

Then she needs to be very careful here. If she's a teacher for example, she'll have to tell them about this relationship especially if they live together.

Her employer will almost certainly need to know she is in a relationship with a sex offender if she is responsible for the care or education of children or vulnerable adults.

I would seriously question her professional judgment if she thinks this is ok in her personal life.

I don't know if I would want anything to do with somebody who makes such poor choices. Just leave her to get on with it as it doesnt seem any amount of sensible advice is getting through.

FWIW he didn’t deny what he did at trial so there’s no doubt about his conviction.

Sadly in my experience this makes it worse.

Pleading guilty leaves scope for “he was scared”, “his lawyer was rubbish”, “he was set up and he had to balance if fighting it was worth it”.

You won’t convince her. You’ll just be another person that can’t see that “there was more to it”. You’ll “not be able to see that he’s a good person at heart”.

I lost one of my closest friends to a man like this for over a decade. He was a monster, but he was very convincing. Lots of people fell for it.

Then he did it again.

I'd end the friendship and tell her why.

She clearly has some deep seated trauma in her background that needs therapy, not another relationship with a dirt bag.

Nothing you can do other than strongly suggesting therapy which you've already done.

I agree. She isn't someone you should trust to babysit your child, so why maintain the friendship?