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Original poster

Should I be offering my ex dinner?

59 replies

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:09

Separated from my childrens' Dad and they live with me. He is staying at a friend's house and so only has one overnight with the children at weekends at his friend's house when his friend always stays with his girlfriend for a night.

I want to sell the house so we can both get proper places of our own, but my ex is very reluctant and tight with money and says its cheaper this way for us both (which it is as he is still paying towards the house we still live in).

However, this means that one morning and two evenings a week, he comes to my house to see the children before and after school. On a Tuesday he takes them to their clubs. They have a very quick dinner of something-on-toast and then leave. I come downstairs from working when they leave and make myself dinner, eat, work and then leave the house when they come home for bath and bedtime to go to the gym. I'm able to not spend too much time in ex's company this way.

He then leaves when I get home at around 9pm.

He doesn't eat with the children as sometimes, he's late from work and I give them their quick dinner and he collects them and then rushes them to their clubs. Although he doesn't seem to eat with them if he is back in time. Yet he always complains he's hungry.

There is always spare dinner when I'm cooking for one and I'm feeling guilty that he doesn't get to eat until gone 9pm. Should I offer my leftovers from dinner? Then part of me thinks, hell no, you never appreciated me when we were together so why should I? But then, the guilt...

Am I just being a martyr if I offer him a home cooked dinner?

OP posts:
nc1013 · 14/03/2023 23:07

I wouldn't give my DDs dad dinner but I wish we were civil enough that it would be normal.

Im confused about a couple of things tho....

It sounds like you ended it due to his family interfering but you say hes giving you false hope. Are you hoping to get back with him? If so and he's rejected you, I def wouldn't as it blurs the boundaries.

Also, in your original post you said he's contributing to the house you and the dc live in. He's reluctant to sell it as it's cheaper for him to allow you to continue living in it? Surely he'd be better off if you both sold up and he had the cash? Sounds like he's trying to do the right thing but being accused of being tight by allowing you to stay in the joint home. Is he expecting to come back permanently at some point?

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2023 23:18

No food. Unless you can slip some arsenic into it. (jk)

Put a 2nd lock on the door to use when you are home so he can't just walk in. If you 'lose your key' in order to change the lock you'll just have to give him a key to the new one when he realizes his doesn't work. But if you put a second lock on and use it when you're home to let him in he can't complain you're 'denying him access to his house'.

Put a lock on the bathroom door so he can't walk in on you. Same for your bedroom. There are flip locks you can install near the top of a door out of reach of DC if you're worried about DC locking themselves in.

No more 'sofa chats' or hanging about. If he starts you simply say "STBX, I'm really tired/busy/sick of you and it's time you headed on home". Listen carefully to the things he says to you and squash ANY hint of trying to play on your emotions and reply "STBX, what you're saying isn't appropriate, we're separated". He's getting his kicks out of seeing you upset and 'pining for him'. Don't think he's not. And he's also using your emotions to get things his own way. Remember that too.

Right now he's got his bed to sleep in at his mate's and your house to 'live in'. He's got it pretty sweet. The 'happy families' when he wants it, the bachelor life when he doesn't. You need to start subtly making it uncomfortable to be at your house as well as pointing out that it is no longer his home. And that may encourage him to sell.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 14/03/2023 23:46

You need to get the house sold so that you can both move on properly. In the meantime get a bolt on the front door so he can’t just walk in. You also need a lock for your bedroom and bathroom. Don’t make him dinner or do anything else that makes his life easier especially as you know he wouldn’t do the same for you. He sounds like an absolute tosser.

Seapearlstar · 15/03/2023 00:15

I personally aim to have a good co parenting relationship, and think it’s shows respect and kindness to give him dinner, especially when you have spare. Your children will for sure appreciate it. Me and my long ago ex have no feelings between us, but I on occasion invite him for dinner and we are both quite flexible with the schedule we’ve set up to accommodate each other’s plans when it doesn’t put the other person out. I think it’s a nice idea and that there’s this common thing about animosity between people who have split up, when there doesn’t need to be if the circumstances are good and you can help each other out to be the best parents you can be

Aweebitpainful · 15/03/2023 00:16

It’s time to sell the house OP. It’s not working this way

Seapearlstar · 15/03/2023 00:19

Also would like to point out that when mine got a girlfriend for a few years he wasn’t the best parent, and was pretty nasty. But he left when she started to throw things at him and accuse him of various infidelities with people they knew until he was a shell of himself. He was grateful for my understanding at that time, in terms of me not giving him grief for his not so present parenting, and is back to being a great parent. I think at present your ex is very present in the kids lives and it’s a nice gesture. Things could change, and pays to have as amicable a coparenting relationship as possible. I think with the house situation he probably doesn’t want something so final to happen, but if you’re sure about the split, it would help to move things forward where you both have your own place and they can stay with him sometimes.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 15/03/2023 00:20

Sell the house.

He needs to spend his contact time with his DC at his home, then he can make himself a meal if he's hungry.

SarahDippity · 15/03/2023 00:24

It’s tricky at this stage. I totally get the boundary-trampling - the sofa, going upstairs to use the other bathroom/go into kids bedroom, I’ve been there. I still give a very satisfying middle finger through the front door when he leaves. His living arrangements are not satisfactory but it will take time.

Naunet · 15/03/2023 08:16

benienpartantetenrevenant · 14/03/2023 18:34

He is your children's father regardless of your relationship with him. I think you should offer him some food if it's going spare .

If this role was reversed, he would probably be called all the names under the sun.

As long as you make it clear that you are just being polite and there is nothing untoward. Anything happening to either of you will affect the children. It's only food and it's not everyday either.

If the roles were reversed and the women had left the family home so the man was doing all the childcare whilst she kept letting herself into the house and disrespecting other boundaries he put in place, you would call him all the names under the sun if he didn’t cook for her too?! Why??

I wouldn’t OP, he’s a big boy, you don’t need to be his mummy.

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