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Original poster

Should I be offering my ex dinner?

59 replies

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:09

Separated from my childrens' Dad and they live with me. He is staying at a friend's house and so only has one overnight with the children at weekends at his friend's house when his friend always stays with his girlfriend for a night.

I want to sell the house so we can both get proper places of our own, but my ex is very reluctant and tight with money and says its cheaper this way for us both (which it is as he is still paying towards the house we still live in).

However, this means that one morning and two evenings a week, he comes to my house to see the children before and after school. On a Tuesday he takes them to their clubs. They have a very quick dinner of something-on-toast and then leave. I come downstairs from working when they leave and make myself dinner, eat, work and then leave the house when they come home for bath and bedtime to go to the gym. I'm able to not spend too much time in ex's company this way.

He then leaves when I get home at around 9pm.

He doesn't eat with the children as sometimes, he's late from work and I give them their quick dinner and he collects them and then rushes them to their clubs. Although he doesn't seem to eat with them if he is back in time. Yet he always complains he's hungry.

There is always spare dinner when I'm cooking for one and I'm feeling guilty that he doesn't get to eat until gone 9pm. Should I offer my leftovers from dinner? Then part of me thinks, hell no, you never appreciated me when we were together so why should I? But then, the guilt...

Am I just being a martyr if I offer him a home cooked dinner?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 14/03/2023 18:10

No. He’s a big boy who can buy and / or cook his own food. It doesn’t sound like he would do it for you, if the boot was on the other foot

Mateyduck · 14/03/2023 18:11

If you are already cooking for yourself and it’s no trouble for you, I’d offer. Co parenting starts off well if you are both flexible and amicable.

saleorbouy · 14/03/2023 18:15

It's nice to be nice. If it helps you both stay amicable and on reasonable terms It's an easy gesture that might be appreciated.

category12 · 14/03/2023 18:17

Depends what your relationship is like currently - if the split wasn't his decision, he might think you're softening and get his hopes up.

maddy68 · 14/03/2023 18:20

If you get on well ask him would you like a plate leaving that he can bung in the microwave?

TheFlis12345 · 14/03/2023 18:23

No! He can bring a sandwich or ready meal with him if he is hungry. I am guessing he never pulled his weight when you were together and he relied on you to do all the domestic stuff?

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 18:24

Depends on why you split up and what your relationship is like now. If he cheated on you, was nasty to you, etc., then I wouldn't bother. A man who mistreated you when you were together doesn't deserve to be treated with consideration now.

Original poster
Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:24

It's a bit awkward because I'm not very happy with him at present, some issues around the split. We are always civil around the children however.

He keeps crossing boundaries which is becoming quite infuriating and I have had to remind him several times in recent days about crossing the line (not using his key to let himself in, not coming upstairs when I'm in the shower/getting dressed). So I do worry about offering a meal incase it confuses things.

OP posts:
heidiwine · 14/03/2023 18:24

Agree with @Mateyduck you have to co-parent with him. Coparenting is hard and has a better chance of succeeding if you can both be flexible, show kindness, value the contributions you both make and move on from the reasons you are no longer together.

So I would probably have a conversation with him about it …

Original poster
Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:25

We split because his family were rude and awful and he let it go too far by continuing to defend them.

OP posts:
Corcomroe · 14/03/2023 18:27

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:24

It's a bit awkward because I'm not very happy with him at present, some issues around the split. We are always civil around the children however.

He keeps crossing boundaries which is becoming quite infuriating and I have had to remind him several times in recent days about crossing the line (not using his key to let himself in, not coming upstairs when I'm in the shower/getting dressed). So I do worry about offering a meal incase it confuses things.

Definitely not, then.

gannett · 14/03/2023 18:27

There's no "should" about it. You can if you want to be nice or if you think it'll make life easier by making your current setup smoother. If you don't want to you certainly don't need to feel guilty about that though. Doesn't sound like you should go the extra mile (or even one inch) but if it doesn't put you out at all it's not the worst idea.

Mabelface · 14/03/2023 18:27

No, I wouldn't. He's the reason he's hungry as he's refusing to play ball with the house. Given that he's already pushing boundaries, he'll then expect this all the time.

Co parenting and being nice is great when both parents play ball. He isn't though.

GrumpyPanda · 14/03/2023 18:28

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:24

It's a bit awkward because I'm not very happy with him at present, some issues around the split. We are always civil around the children however.

He keeps crossing boundaries which is becoming quite infuriating and I have had to remind him several times in recent days about crossing the line (not using his key to let himself in, not coming upstairs when I'm in the shower/getting dressed). So I do worry about offering a meal incase it confuses things.

Given this update then no, you absolutely should not be feeding him - terrible idea. Also, why does he still have a key? Time to set some serious boundaries.

category12 · 14/03/2023 18:30

Given your updates, do not offer him food.

Imnotachap · 14/03/2023 18:30

What's the plan for the house? This sounds like a bigger problem than whether you share your leftovers (don't btw, he's already taking the piss)

GreyCarpet · 14/03/2023 18:31

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:24

It's a bit awkward because I'm not very happy with him at present, some issues around the split. We are always civil around the children however.

He keeps crossing boundaries which is becoming quite infuriating and I have had to remind him several times in recent days about crossing the line (not using his key to let himself in, not coming upstairs when I'm in the shower/getting dressed). So I do worry about offering a meal incase it confuses things.

In that case, I'd not offer.

I can imagine that this is the sort of thing I might have offered to my exh initially but our co-parenting relationship was amicable and he'd have reciprocated in kind.

Eg he moved in with his parents after we split up. He would have the children EOW to stay but any longer than that was not possible because they are high functioning alcoholics. So, if I were going away with friends for a few days, he'd stay at mine and crash on the sofa. But the house was always immaculate when I got back. That sort of thing.

But if had pushed boundaries amd made this difficult then, no, I wouldn't have felt inclined to make it any easier for him.

He is a big boy and he knows its going to happen so he could pick up a meal deal or get fish and chips while they're at their activities. If he isn't respecting boundaries, it's even more important that you enforce them.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 18:32

Based on what you've said, no I would not.

benienpartantetenrevenant · 14/03/2023 18:34

He is your children's father regardless of your relationship with him. I think you should offer him some food if it's going spare .

If this role was reversed, he would probably be called all the names under the sun.

As long as you make it clear that you are just being polite and there is nothing untoward. Anything happening to either of you will affect the children. It's only food and it's not everyday either.

FiftyPenceWorth · 14/03/2023 18:34

'He always complains he's hungry'.
I'll bet he does, and just loud enough for you to hear. You're doing plenty to support his relationship with the children. Don't let him guilt you into feeding him as well. What if he didn't like what you'd cooked/didn't offer to wash up/hung around after he'd finished eating? There's too much potential for conflict and further boundary-crossing if you ask me.

Original poster
Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:36

He refuses to give me his key and obviously doesn't have to as he owns half the house. I can't change the locks legally either. I've been accused of being "overly emotional" recently when I'm around him, but he's constantly trampling over my boundaries- sitting down on the sofa to chat with me rather than leaving after his time with the children, giving me false hope. I gave in to those hopes last week and got rejected. He told me my behaviour was "strange" yet he's the one dangling carrots. So it's confusing to know what to do for the best. The kind part of me really wants to offer dinner and the other part of me thinks no way!

OP posts:
GenAndWine · 14/03/2023 18:38

I’d get the house on the market. He needs a place to take the kids that isn’t your home and you need a place with the kids that he doesn’t access.

if fences make for good neighbours, clearly separate homes and good boundaries make for good co-parenting.

Soontobemumof2x · 14/03/2023 18:41

I would if there was extra & means he can eat with his kids.

FiftyPenceWorth · 14/03/2023 18:43

I'm sorry he's messing with your feelings OP. Even more reason not to feed him and to be even stricter about boundaries. Tell him he can eat 'dangling carrots' if he's so bloody hungry.

PaigeMatthews · 14/03/2023 18:43

You need mkre boundaries in place, not fewer. Dont engage at all when he is there. No you dont make his tea but dont even listen to him complain.

put the house on the market. He sees the children at his home.