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Original poster

Should I be offering my ex dinner?

59 replies

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:09

Separated from my childrens' Dad and they live with me. He is staying at a friend's house and so only has one overnight with the children at weekends at his friend's house when his friend always stays with his girlfriend for a night.

I want to sell the house so we can both get proper places of our own, but my ex is very reluctant and tight with money and says its cheaper this way for us both (which it is as he is still paying towards the house we still live in).

However, this means that one morning and two evenings a week, he comes to my house to see the children before and after school. On a Tuesday he takes them to their clubs. They have a very quick dinner of something-on-toast and then leave. I come downstairs from working when they leave and make myself dinner, eat, work and then leave the house when they come home for bath and bedtime to go to the gym. I'm able to not spend too much time in ex's company this way.

He then leaves when I get home at around 9pm.

He doesn't eat with the children as sometimes, he's late from work and I give them their quick dinner and he collects them and then rushes them to their clubs. Although he doesn't seem to eat with them if he is back in time. Yet he always complains he's hungry.

There is always spare dinner when I'm cooking for one and I'm feeling guilty that he doesn't get to eat until gone 9pm. Should I offer my leftovers from dinner? Then part of me thinks, hell no, you never appreciated me when we were together so why should I? But then, the guilt...

Am I just being a martyr if I offer him a home cooked dinner?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:46

Yep. He messes with my emotions and then implies that I'm overly emotional and even unstable when I'm affected by it. He is more interested in speaking to me when he's here than the children. He doesn't want to be with me and yet, doesn't appear to want me to move on either.

He's very possessive.

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 14/03/2023 18:46

Absolutely no way would i be making him meals.

and if be outting an additional lock on the doors ‘for security’ so he cannot just walk in to catch you undressed.

PaigeMatthews · 14/03/2023 18:47

Are you married?

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 18:48

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:36

He refuses to give me his key and obviously doesn't have to as he owns half the house. I can't change the locks legally either. I've been accused of being "overly emotional" recently when I'm around him, but he's constantly trampling over my boundaries- sitting down on the sofa to chat with me rather than leaving after his time with the children, giving me false hope. I gave in to those hopes last week and got rejected. He told me my behaviour was "strange" yet he's the one dangling carrots. So it's confusing to know what to do for the best. The kind part of me really wants to offer dinner and the other part of me thinks no way!

He sounds like a wanker.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/03/2023 18:48

I wouldn't offer him dinner Op simply because your relationship with him isn't settled enough. He's still pushing your limits, wanting to sit and chat, making himself a bit too much at home. If you start offering him dinner he won't think you're being kind, he'll think you're trying to get back with him, which only muddies the waters. If your relationship is over then make moves to get the house sold so he can have the children at his own place and you can both get on with your lives.
If you can be friends later then that will be lovely for your children but you need to be living quite seperate lives before that can happen

mycatsanutter · 14/03/2023 18:48

He is massively messing with your emotions , so you need to keep your distance as much as possible and that includes not feeding him . He's an adult and adults are capable of feeding themselves

SheilaFentiman · 14/03/2023 18:50

No. He’s an adult, if he’s hungry, he can fix it. He’s not kind to you.

Supersands · 14/03/2023 18:53

I’m in a similar situation. I try not to offer as I think it confuses the children. Also trying to put my boundaries in place. Plus I pay for the food. Occasionally I will offer or we might do a day out together.

FrenchandSaunders · 14/03/2023 18:53

Absolutely not!

Pubesofsoberness · 14/03/2023 18:55

I wouldn't be having him in the house never mind feeding him

gamerchick · 14/03/2023 18:58

He's controlling you and you want to feed him as well? Only one kid on a weekend?

It's time to sort all that out, for atm he's making sure you don't get a single life.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2023 18:59

No, don't make him or leave him anything, he is messing with your boundaries, this will make him think you are giving in, maintain the line and get the house up for sale, oh and there is nothing wrong with fitting a dead lock bolt on your door for safety, he will just have to knock.

CorvusPurpureus · 14/03/2023 19:03

Holy crap do you need boundaries.

No bloody wonder he isn't wanting to sell the house, he's still able to put his feet up in it (& on your bent back as a human coffee table, frankly) whenever he wants to.

The New Deal is this:

he collects the dc on the doorstep at the agreed time. If the arrangement is that they will leave having had breakfast/dinner, then you'll send them out fed & dressed for the activities. He will return them after said activities. You will put them to bed.
he doesn't need to enter your home. He needs to agree to a sale. Then he will be able to have his dc overnight in his own place.
no offers of food, no chatting on the sofa. You are separated. Your dc need to see that you are both moving on, not some weird hinterland situation where daddy is sometimes back home, eating dinner & chatting with mummy - is daddy coming home, then? Oh. No. Off he goes again. & now mummy looks sad...

Seriously, you need distance whilst you both sell the house & re-group. You can be pals later (suspect you will be less keen by then).

Original poster

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 19:18

If I did things the way you suggest I wouldn't have a life @CorvusPurpureus . This week I'm going to the gym twice because he's here to do bedtime. If he wasn't here, I couldn't go with the setup we currently have. Gym is keeping me sane.

OP posts:

Name99 · 14/03/2023 19:26

If you didn't have him hanging around your house messing with your emotions you wouldn't have half the stress you have now and need to go to the gym to destress.
Can you get a baby sitter rather than him being in the house ?
I'd " lose" the key and get the locks changed and not give him a spare. You say he's possessive, I bet he's going through your belongings when your out.
You need to put a stop to this.

ClementWeatherToday · 14/03/2023 19:26

He keeps crossing boundaries which is becoming quite infuriating

Then raise your boundaries higher, don't feed him!!!

I think you can add extra locks for security, check with your solicitor.

Aftjbtibg · 14/03/2023 19:31

No you shouldn’t offer him dinner; he can either make sure he’s there early enough to eat something with them or find something to eat while they’re at their clubs. There’s many solutions such as him eating a decent meal at lunchtime even at work and making a sandwich to eat between clubs etc.
On a another note though I think you should see a solicitor about selling the house as this is how he keeps control over you and makes sure you can’t move on

SheilaFentiman · 14/03/2023 19:54

Definitely fit a bolt, or at least a door chain.

Moonshine5 · 14/03/2023 19:59

Sell the house, he is still controlling your life. Set yourself free.

Moonshine5 · 14/03/2023 19:59

This is not really about dinner.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 14/03/2023 20:00

Isn't his friend getting pissed off? He needs to get his own place, so you can do the gym without him hanging around. It sounds like he's keeping his foot in the door in case he changes his mind, or if single iife doesnt work out, hence no plans for own accommodation. Do you think he sees this more as a break maybe?

Maybe get some legal advice, it's kind of you to consider the dinner but it sounds like give an inch he'll take a mile.

CorvusPurpureus · 14/03/2023 20:07

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 19:18

Yeah, I get that bit. So could you do gym whilst he is out with the kids at their classes? Or maybe go for a run?

& remember this is temporary - once you have sorted your routine out, you should be free to do your own thing at least one night a week & every other weekend - because the kids will be with him.

Ultimately, you are in limbo right now & allowing it.

At some point (but his timetable, not yours):

the house gets sold
you agree a weekly/fortnightly routine
it's likely one or both of you start dating, which will bring added complications.

'He's here to do bedtime' is not going to be sustainable. Apart from anything, he doesn't sound like he'd do it if it didn't suit him.

You need to start moving things on, & you're making that impossible for yourself if he's welcome in the house you say you want sold. Why would he? He can drop in to play Happy Families & even have you cooking his dinner - then breeze off again.

He could keep this up for years, until he gets a new gf who puts her foot down.

I'm suggesting it's YOUR foot that gets put down. Now.

BHRK · 14/03/2023 20:07

You need firmer boundaries and no don’t feed him. He’s an adult FFS, if adults are hungry they bring/buy something to eat. Don’t let him play on your emotions

FOJN · 14/03/2023 22:50

Chickensquawk · 14/03/2023 18:36

If he's already trampling your boundaries then why would you consider blurring them further by making him dinner. He takes the children to their clubs and is presumably free to eat a sandwich whilst they are at those clubs.

A grown man who repeatedly complaints of being hungry at the same time of day in an established routine is either manipulative or pathetic, neither is good. I wouldn't even consider feeding him.

You can't legally change the locks to keep him out but you would have to if you "lost your keys" which can easily happen and the with life being so busy it will be difficult to get a copy cut and perhaps your insurance company will have an issue with someone who isn't resident having a spare anyway! There is always a way.

millymollymoomoo · 14/03/2023 22:54

Honestly, sell the house, split monies and move on so you are not in this situation!

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