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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Begging boyfriend to see me

31 replies

Pumpling · 14/03/2023 17:33

As the title says I have to beg my boyfriend to make an effort. I gave birth nearly 3m ago and I know it sounds silly but I don't have the confidence to drive yet. So I'm having to rely on him to see me instead. His phones broken so he can't text but can call, but for the last 5 days he hasn't called until after 9-10pm. I just can't get any answers out of him as to what's going on so am I safe to assume it's pretty much over from his lack of effort and interest? When he comes over I buy him a takeaway every time to make up for the journey. I'm being a complete idiot by letting him stay in my life aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 14/03/2023 17:35

Yes, you are.... but, you can see that so, big girl pants on and give him the push.

Is he the babies dad?

We've all been made to look like mugs at some point in our lives, the most important but is to stop it when you realise!

jjeanii · 14/03/2023 17:36

No your not being an idiot at all, you deserve to get calls and have him drive to you . I would not put up with this , my boyfriend works away 5 days a week and he calls me every day multiple times and always answers his phone etc , does your boyfriend answer his phone if you call him ?

LittleOwl153 · 14/03/2023 17:36

Yep.
Assuming he's the babies dad - get your child maintenance claim in and stop contacting him. You can do so much better for yourself and your child!

Original poster
Pumpling · 14/03/2023 17:37

He's baby's dad but he shows such little interest no one would even know it. I know I need to leave even though he's giving me no reason to keep him around, but it's so much easier said than done Sad

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 14/03/2023 17:38

You gave birth to his child I assume?…. He should be driving to see you both AND paying for the takeaways as you are clearly raising his child with no help!!

NotaCoolMum · 14/03/2023 17:38

It’s easier to get rid of him than to live a life resenting him!

category12 · 14/03/2023 17:39

Pumpling · 14/03/2023 17:37

He's baby's dad but he shows such little interest no one would even know it. I know I need to leave even though he's giving me no reason to keep him around, but it's so much easier said than done Sad

You and your baby deserve so much more.

You're already a single parent.

Free yourself from this self-esteem crushing non-relationship.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/03/2023 17:40

It doesn't sound like this relationship has a lot of substance OP. You can't make it something it's not.

Do you have any other support?

Clymene · 14/03/2023 17:40

Call the CSA in the morning and start a claim. Block his number

NotaCoolMum · 14/03/2023 17:41

How old are you both if you don’t mind me asking?

B0g · 14/03/2023 17:41

There’s nothing to leave. You’re a lone parent, he’s some guy who you buy takeaways for. Just start CMS and enjoy your life.

strawberry2017 · 14/03/2023 17:42

It sounds pretty easy to leave. Stop making contact and it's done.
You deserve so much better! So does your child.
He's shown his true colours. Hold your head up, and walk away. X

Miajk · 14/03/2023 17:45

Pumpling · 14/03/2023 17:33

As the title says I have to beg my boyfriend to make an effort. I gave birth nearly 3m ago and I know it sounds silly but I don't have the confidence to drive yet. So I'm having to rely on him to see me instead. His phones broken so he can't text but can call, but for the last 5 days he hasn't called until after 9-10pm. I just can't get any answers out of him as to what's going on so am I safe to assume it's pretty much over from his lack of effort and interest? When he comes over I buy him a takeaway every time to make up for the journey. I'm being a complete idiot by letting him stay in my life aren't I Sad

I'm sorry what?

Have some self respect for god sake!

  • he's a deadbeat dad essentially
  • has zero respect for you, or empathy
  • your self esteem is so low you're willing to pay for him to see you (buying food)

This is really pathetic. You deserve so much better than to beg some loser who's a shit dad to see you. Why do you even find him attractive?

He sounds like a nasty useless man. Nothing attractive about that. Statistically you'd be better of with just about anyone else.

jigsaw234 · 14/03/2023 17:45

Please tell me you didn't give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate?

LittleOwl153 · 14/03/2023 17:46

He doesn't live with you - whether or not you are in a relationship (I'd suggest you weren't but..) you need to claim Child Maintenance from him to fund your child.

MMmomDD · 14/03/2023 17:48

I am guessing he wasn’t much interested in your pregnancy either.

Dont waste your time and your life on him.

Justforlaffs · 14/03/2023 17:48

It won’t be difficult for you practically to get rid of him as he isn’t around anyway.

Hes obviously not interested and can’t even be arsed ringing you and to me that would be proof of the kind of person he is - a selfish arsehole who wants to have his fun and then drop you at the first sign of responsibility. No matter if you’re in a relationship or not, he has a child now and needs to face up to that by at the very least paying maintenance.

Im sorry you are only realising now you’ve had his child what a douchebag he is - but it is unlikely to get better so save yourself the angst of wondering when he’ll come round/when he’ll call. The sooner you end things the sooner you’ll love on with your life, you and your baby.

Newestname002 · 14/03/2023 17:58

LittleOwl153 · 14/03/2023 17:46

He doesn't live with you - whether or not you are in a relationship (I'd suggest you weren't but..) you need to claim Child Maintenance from him to fund your child.

I agree with this. Get child maintenance via CMS as soon as possible so he starts contributing to his child's costs.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

I'm assuming you've registered your baby's birth? Have you put your boyfriend's name on the birth certificate?

Don't forget to claim for your child benefit payments

www.gov.uk/child-benefit

Good luck OP. 🌹

MumUndone · 14/03/2023 18:00

Who do you live with and how old are you?

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/03/2023 18:00

jigsaw234 · 14/03/2023 17:45

Please tell me you didn't give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate?

Bet she did-

I completely get why you want him around to be a family - sadly you can't mold him into that

You will be financially and emotionally better on your own

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/03/2023 18:01

He doesn't give a shit about either of you.

My DP gave birth while we weren't living together. I was at her (parents) house every other night after work.

The other nights were spent desperately trying to get my new house into a fit state for them to move into.

Ditch him, you'll save on the takeaway cost at least!

MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2023 18:03

Do you have family nearby? Any other support (I say other- he doesn’t give you any by the sounds of it).

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2023 18:04

There’s nothing to leave. If you didn’t call him you probably won’t hear from him again. He’s just a complete loser you pay to feed.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 14/03/2023 18:07

There’s no work for you to do, he’s already left. Put in the child maintenance claim and move on.

Congratulations on your new baby. 💐

5128gap · 14/03/2023 18:20

Of course it's not easy. In getting rid of him you're getting rid of your hopes for your future as a family. You're vulnerable, and even his minimal contact probably feels better than being totally alone. You don't want to be without him, you want him to change.
Unfortunately, this is so unlikely to happen it's not worth entertaining. The best you'll get is occasional flurries of attention on his terms, which will just make how miserable you feel now stretch on longer.
Sometimes you just have to rip the plaster off and put yourself out of your misery as quickly as possible. Loads of women make great lives for themselves as single mums, meeting better partners, or going it alone with their children. You can do that too. You just need to take the first step.