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Original poster

DH doesn't want more DC; I'm late

51 replies

baybeemamma · 14/03/2023 08:53

I'm just looking for a bit of a hand hold please!

I'm married with one DC (17 months) and one step DC (14).

I'd like to have another child at some point, and have been speaking with DH about this, but he is sure he is done. I've been sad about this, but obviously would never force him into anything.

We are not using medical contraception, but I do time my cycles and am clear with him about times of the month etc - he pulls out around ovulation days. (I've told him this isn't contraception! But he seems comfortable with it in lieu of using condoms.)

I'm one day late, feeling a bit sick, and generally freaking out. Do I try and wait a few days and put it out of my mind? Do I tell him I'm a bit stressed as I'm a day late and usually clockwork? Do I just take a test to at least have the info?

I've been unwell lately anyway so it might just be that my cycles are a bit upset - and I'm not sure if the worry is what's making me feel nauseous!

I obviously love him and know he would be supportive, but I know this isn't what he wants and the thought of this is much worse than I would have expected given I do want another DC.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 08:55

If he's got 2 children he should be aware that occasionally pulling out is not a reliable form of contraception

Floppyelf · 14/03/2023 08:56

Erm if he doesn’t want anymore children. He needs to get a vasectomy asap. Putting the onus on you is incredibly unfair.

Fmlgirl · 14/03/2023 08:56

Your DP is quite frankly an idiot. If that’s his preferred method of contraception, please please don’t feel bad if you fall pregnant. If you already are, he’ll need to accept the baby. If you’re not, I would have a serious chat about the birds and bees and valid contraception methods.

pebbles3004 · 14/03/2023 08:56

I'd just test if I were you, knowledge is power. When you don't know either way you can't move forward and decide how to handle it. Good luck OP

NomadicSpirit · 14/03/2023 08:57

If its not what he wants then the muppet needs the snip or to wear condoms. "Pulling out" is something drunk teenage guys say they will do and not adults in a marriage.

This isn't on you and your husband knows that... if he doesn't buy him a book on the subject.

HowcanIhelp123 · 14/03/2023 09:04

I would test and know for sure. If he gets upset remind him he could have used contraception at any point but chose not to. He knows how his previous 2 were made so he can't exactly be surprised unprotected sex has resulted in a third.

I know you say it isn't what he wanted .. but for someone so adamant he didn't exactly prevent it did he. You were clear with him when you ovulated, you told him what he was doing was not contraception. Everything he did he did in full knowledge of the consequence of that action.

DoorstoManual · 14/03/2023 09:07

No glove, no love. Simples.

MMmomDD · 14/03/2023 09:08

No point testing at one day late. And no reason to be telling him anything yet - it’ll all just create drama and rehash your disagreements.
If he doesn’t want more kids he needs to get a vasectomy. Simple as that.
You have nothing to worry about - you are both adults and take calculated risks. beyond that - que sera

AllOfThemWitches · 14/03/2023 09:10

It is so unlikely that you'll be pregnant if no sperm was inside you when you ovulated. Lots of people successfully use this method when they don't get on with more traditional forms of contraception. Still, I'd test to be sure, any cheap test will detect pregnancy by now.

ItsShiela · 14/03/2023 09:10

If he is so sure he is 'done' then why hasn't had a vasectomy? It's his sperm that gets you pregnant. He can't be that done with children if he won't fix it permanently. I'd tell him that.

Inastatus · 14/03/2023 09:11

@baybeemamma - if he was so sure he was done then he should have done something about it. I hope things work out how you want them to.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/03/2023 09:12

Well, if he was that bothered about it he would wear a condom or get a vasectomy so if you are pregnant, then it's certainly his actions (or lack thereof) that have resulted in it.

You need to speak to him about it. See what his reaction is. He will either freak and realise he needs to actually use contraception, or he will he blasé about it in which case crack on - if he won't prevent a pregnancy then I wouldn't be catering to his calendar with ovulation info etc.

Channellingsophistication · 14/03/2023 09:13

If DP was really dead set against another child, he would’ve use contraception.

Channellingsophistication · 14/03/2023 09:14

so hopefully he will be fine if you are pregnant

purpledalmation · 14/03/2023 09:19

Do a test and tell him you're pregnant(if you are). If he's not happy with this but you want to keep it, your choice trumps his. If he is happy to use a ridiculous 'contraceptive' method, then this is what happens. Your choice on this one.

NowAAT · 14/03/2023 09:20

BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 08:55

If he's got 2 children he should be aware that occasionally pulling out is not a reliable form of contraception

Exactly. Both of you should have been more cautious I suppose. i.e a more reliable form of birth control.

MyriadOfTravels · 14/03/2023 09:20

I’d tell him you are worried you are a day late.
Then do a pregnancy test.

In the mean time, I would be ready for the idea that he’ll ask you to have an abortion…
(been there done that. It’s the whole ‘i don’t want another chid ever. But can’t be bothered to wear a condom and won’t entertain a vasectomy so I expect you to have a termination instead.’ discussion….)

MyriadOfTravels · 14/03/2023 09:24

NowAAT · 14/03/2023 09:20

Exactly. Both of you should have been more cautious I suppose. i.e a more reliable form of birth control.

Show quote history

The OP hasn’t said why she isn’t using the OCP but she is certainly within her rights to do so. Esp as she doesn’t have an issue with having another child so doesn’t need to be ‘more careful’.

Her DH on thé other side.… seems to think he can say NO to more children whilst not taking any responsibility for it. Because let’s be honest, the pulling out method is being careless p, not just ‘nit being very careful with cobtraception’

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2023 09:25

He’s the one who doesn’t want more but he’s happy leaving birth control to you. Which isn’t okay anyway. There’s nothing wrong with condoms and he could and should think about a vasectomy if he’s sure he’s done.

If you are pregnant you’ll both have to accept it was a joint decision to not use proper precautions so don’t put up with any blame or finger pointing.

And take a test. If you’re late you’ll know either way. But the stupid pulling out thing won’t do from now on.

Puppers · 14/03/2023 09:26

You're not worried or stressed that you're late; you want another baby. You're worried and stressed because you are partnered with a very immature man who you know will react badly to pregnancy news, despite not using contraception.

You need to be the grown up. You need to take a test and if it's positive just get on and tell him. But I certainly wouldn't be approaching the conversation as though I was apologetic and doing the whole hand wringing routine. He had unprotected sex with you and now you're (possibly) pregnant. Very predictable and not something I would accept any tantrums from him over.

Suprima · 14/03/2023 09:28

Test so you know

if you are- good luck

if you aren’t- you need to stop shagging him until he gets the snip.

Some will say he’s consented to having another baby by agreeing to natural family planning, but you are being slightly irresponsible yourself by opting for a contraception method that has an increased chance of getting you your wanted second baby.

It’s all very well to say ‘OH, WELL IF HE DIDNT WANT ANOTHER BABY HE SHOULDN’T BE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX’ but OP you will be the one who has to potentially deal with the consequences of an apathetic husband who doesn’t want to parent another child, leaves it all to you and checks out. Don’t mug yourself off.

Biscuits1011 · 14/03/2023 09:29

Just test. Then you will know for sure.

Snugglemonkey · 14/03/2023 09:29

I would test. Your dp is not behaving like a person who does not want a baby. More like someone who is pretty open to the possibility.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/03/2023 09:31

He sounds very irresponsible. Got yourself tested as you can't make any decision until you know one way or the other.

Rosula · 14/03/2023 09:34

AllOfThemWitches · 14/03/2023 09:10

It is so unlikely that you'll be pregnant if no sperm was inside you when you ovulated. Lots of people successfully use this method when they don't get on with more traditional forms of contraception. Still, I'd test to be sure, any cheap test will detect pregnancy by now.

Pulling out is simply no guarantee that the woman has no sperm inside her. It's notoriously by far the least reliable type of contraception, and should only ever be used if you don't really mind if you do conceive.