Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I such an idiot? I ignored the red flags

41 replies

HowlongdoIwait · 13/03/2023 19:38

Been seeing a guy for almost 3 months, usually twice a week and occasionally more. Posted a few days ago to say he was hesitant about sleeping together and I wasn't sure how long to wait. Thought it was nerves or maybe even ED after a long marriage and no dating / partners / sex for 2.5 years.

He broke it off over the weekend saying he didn't feel that 'special spark' and didn't think it was fair to sleep with me. I'm absolutely gutted! I really liked him and thought we had clicked, but now think perhaps he just didn't fancy me. Why on earth did it take him 3 months to figure this out though?

I ignored so many red flags while we were together too and I'm just kicking myself for being such an idiot. Why didn't I listen to my gut? I've read it on here so many times!

He was really bad at making plans and he'd often leave me hanging around waiting for him to decide what he was doing. He's got a busy job and doesn't always know what time he's finishing so I understand during the week but we usually just ended up staying in watching tv at weekends too. We rarely went out.

He was poor at communication and wouldn't talk to me about how he felt. Having been married to someone like this who left for a reason I still don't know, this was a big issue for me but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as it was very early day.

He rarely said he was looking forward to seeing me, gave me compliments or similar but then would say something nice which would make me forget how rubbish he's made me feel previously. He bought me a nice present for my birthday and for valentine's day and he booked a trip for us only 2 weeks ago. I also recently met his dad and his adult child. He mentioned things in the future and being together long term. I don't understand why he blew so hot and cold. Every time I thought about finishing it, he'd do or say something nice.

I think the term is breadcrumbing......

I often felt sick to my stomach with anxiety waiting to hear back from him about meeting up or me asking a question so why on earth did i put up with this for so long?

I've had 2 long term relationships and I thought I was pretty savvy but clearly my brain goes out of the window when I like someone.

I feel so stupid :-(

OP posts:
BCBird · 13/03/2023 19:41

Be kind to yourself and be alert for the red flags next time. Know your worth

ScabbyHorse · 13/03/2023 21:17

You are being extremely hard on yourself. I stayed with someone like this for three years! You are worth so much more. Try and look after yourself 🌹

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 13/03/2023 21:28

So many possibilities :

ED - Couldn't be bothered trying anything sexual with you.

Has secret other GF here or overseas and doesn't want to risk sleeping with someone else.

Dipped sexdrive/interest in general.

Bisexual, gay or asexual but likes the farce of an occasional GF, to prove his hetero normative life.

Stressed, tired, romance is not his priority.

It's him, not you, you ve had a lucky escape.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/03/2023 21:36

You are being SO hard on yourself

right now you feel shit and you shouldn’t be beating yourself up
what Good will that do ?

book something nice
have a treat evening
force yourself to do some self care

the learning will come and this won’t happen again xxx

WatieKatie · 13/03/2023 21:36

The key here OP is to learn from this.

You are clearly upset and I don’t blame you. Please don’t ruminate over where his head was it’s a complete waste of time.

HowRatherGolly · 13/03/2023 21:50

like so many before me on here, just be kind to yourself. You do know the flags so you are a step ahead so many. Its good to get yourself out there and do loads of dating, you will find the one eventually.

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 21:55

Look for support from your friends. You saw the best in this guy, don't blame yourself that things didn't work out.

Definitelycross · 13/03/2023 22:31

@HowlongdoIwait I'm so sorry you were breadcrumbed. That's horrible behaviour and worse it's made you question yourself.

You are not to blame. At all. Jesus red flags are very obvious with hindsight but up close they can be almost invisible.

Be glad you didn't DTD.

He's an arse. You aren't. Be nice to yourself 🤗

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 13/03/2023 23:20

Thank you all, I really appreciate the support 💐

I'm surprised I'm so sad over someone I knew for such a short space of time but I really thought we had potential.

The urge to message him is so strong but I'm resisting at the moment.

OP posts:
FebName · 13/03/2023 23:26

Wow don't be hard on yourself.

You've seen him less than 30 times but you've seen right though him. Delete his number and be glad of the lucky escape.

I've been seeing someone the same amount of times as you, first boyfriend in 5 years. But we go out and do things, concerts, pictures or even just walks in the park. He makes make feel happy and so he should we've only being seeing each other 3 months!

In fact the exact opposite of everything you've described. Please don't contact him, you're worth so much more!

Sparkleshine21 · 13/03/2023 23:38

@FebName Great humble bragging 😄😂

Hawkins003 · 13/03/2023 23:43

All the best op, you'll get there each day, it does seem flaky behaviour

TheMatriarchy · 13/03/2023 23:44

Didn't think it was fair to sleep with me, LMAO! Said no man ever. Was not capable of having sex, and could not drag it out any longer. Be grateful for the speedy escape.

aurynne · 13/03/2023 23:55

Three months is a very short time and it is normal to use this period to find it you really are attracted to the other person. He actually did you a favour by being so honest. Would you have preferred him to sleep with you and THEN telling you?

Resister · 13/03/2023 23:57

The key thing is that you were nice and decent. He behaved badly, you didn't.

FinallyHere · 14/03/2023 06:29

Resister · 13/03/2023 23:57

The key thing is that you were nice and decent. He behaved badly, you didn't.

This.

Be kind to yourself

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/03/2023 07:20

TheMatriarchy

i agree btw

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 08:08

I've just had something very similar op only I did sleep with him and it wasn't him who finished it but me after blowing my top over being left hanging again

And he wouldn't actually admit he'd gone off me even though it felt obvious to me

I'm also very sad, confused and kicking myself

Definitelycross · 14/03/2023 08:59

HowlongdoIwait · 13/03/2023 23:20

Thank you all, I really appreciate the support 💐

I'm surprised I'm so sad over someone I knew for such a short space of time but I really thought we had potential.

The urge to message him is so strong but I'm resisting at the moment.

Been there. It's horrible.

Only way to stop that and I really mean only way, speaking from experience, delete his number.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/03/2023 10:58

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 08:08

I've just had something very similar op only I did sleep with him and it wasn't him who finished it but me after blowing my top over being left hanging again

And he wouldn't actually admit he'd gone off me even though it felt obvious to me

I'm also very sad, confused and kicking myself

So sorry you're going through the same thing. It's a horrible feeling isn't it! Makes me feel like I'll be alone forever 😔

OP posts:
monsterradeliciosa · 14/03/2023 10:59

I ignored ref flags for 5 years straight.
There are women out there who ignore them for a lifetime.

I think your question is much wider than just you. It's a really huge issue.

I'm proposing a complete ban on men until we figure this whole thing out (for myself)

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 11:06

For me I actually wish he had ended it as i'm questioning if I did the right thing now.
I only actually managed to see him 10 times in 4 months however !
Every attempt to meet was met with 'possibly, maybe, could do, I'll have to let you know' then it was a chew on to get him to 'let me know'
And he'd 'forget' and 'need reminding' or just say he couldn't do that day anymore with little notice .
He seemed very keen at first but that soon dwindled but every time I brought up the fact he didn't seem interested anymore he denied it
Yet he'd made a big fuss at the beginning about not wanting casual and if I did then he wouldn't see me again
I could quite often go days without hearing from him too
Compliments totally dried up after the first few weeks

His response was always 'it's just the way I am and I can't change it'

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 11:16

Oh and there was the night he got into bed and turned his back on me, ignoring me for 30-45 mins to play on his phone .

For Valentine's Day I got a text after not hearing from him for 48 hours which said 'happy valentines haha'

He'd been single for 4 years and said women had got bored of his behaviour in the past . There's a reason a man who looked like him and had money was single

Sorry for hijacking your thread . It does help to write it down though !

butterfliedtwo · 14/03/2023 11:27

aurynne · 13/03/2023 23:55

Three months is a very short time and it is normal to use this period to find it you really are attracted to the other person. He actually did you a favour by being so honest. Would you have preferred him to sleep with you and THEN telling you?

That's my thought actually, but clearly in the minority here

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 11:31

'would say something nice which would make me forget how rubbish he's made me feel previously. He bought me a nice present for my birthday and for valentine's day and he booked a trip for us only 2 weeks ago. I also recently met his dad and his adult child. He mentioned things in the future and being together long term. I don't understand why he blew so hot and cold. Every time I thought about finishing it, he'd do or say something nice.'

I actually think this is more head - messing than sleeping with someone you're not sure about . Meeting family, booking trips, buying gifts ...