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Original poster

Why am I such an idiot? I ignored the red flags

41 replies

HowlongdoIwait · 13/03/2023 19:38

Been seeing a guy for almost 3 months, usually twice a week and occasionally more. Posted a few days ago to say he was hesitant about sleeping together and I wasn't sure how long to wait. Thought it was nerves or maybe even ED after a long marriage and no dating / partners / sex for 2.5 years.

He broke it off over the weekend saying he didn't feel that 'special spark' and didn't think it was fair to sleep with me. I'm absolutely gutted! I really liked him and thought we had clicked, but now think perhaps he just didn't fancy me. Why on earth did it take him 3 months to figure this out though?

I ignored so many red flags while we were together too and I'm just kicking myself for being such an idiot. Why didn't I listen to my gut? I've read it on here so many times!

He was really bad at making plans and he'd often leave me hanging around waiting for him to decide what he was doing. He's got a busy job and doesn't always know what time he's finishing so I understand during the week but we usually just ended up staying in watching tv at weekends too. We rarely went out.

He was poor at communication and wouldn't talk to me about how he felt. Having been married to someone like this who left for a reason I still don't know, this was a big issue for me but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as it was very early day.

He rarely said he was looking forward to seeing me, gave me compliments or similar but then would say something nice which would make me forget how rubbish he's made me feel previously. He bought me a nice present for my birthday and for valentine's day and he booked a trip for us only 2 weeks ago. I also recently met his dad and his adult child. He mentioned things in the future and being together long term. I don't understand why he blew so hot and cold. Every time I thought about finishing it, he'd do or say something nice.

I think the term is breadcrumbing......

I often felt sick to my stomach with anxiety waiting to hear back from him about meeting up or me asking a question so why on earth did i put up with this for so long?

I've had 2 long term relationships and I thought I was pretty savvy but clearly my brain goes out of the window when I like someone.

I feel so stupid :-(

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/03/2023 11:34

OP If the man was already like this then why on earth would you want to sleep with him? Surely you are worth far more than this crock of shit

LysHastighed · 14/03/2023 11:38

I don’t think you ignored the red flags. I think you don’t think you deserve an amazing relationship so you have to settle for an adequate one. Next time just ask yourself how you are feeling. If you don’t feel great, walk away.

dottiedodah · 14/03/2023 11:47

Dont beat yourself up OP.He sounds flaky to say the least.Just think you have dodged a bullet here.Sounds like he has another woman ,or is hedging his bets .Move on to find a genuine guy

WatieKatie · 14/03/2023 12:44

TheMatriarchy · 13/03/2023 23:44

Didn't think it was fair to sleep with me, LMAO! Said no man ever. Was not capable of having sex, and could not drag it out any longer. Be grateful for the speedy escape.

So true.

Sunriseinwonderland · 14/03/2023 12:51

Its your oestrogen making you soft and compliant 😁

I can tell you when it runs out this stops dead. A man would have to be a God before I'd look at him now and he would have to do ALL the running.

Prior to the menopause I was you.

Definitelycross · 14/03/2023 12:57

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/03/2023 11:34

OP If the man was already like this then why on earth would you want to sleep with him? Surely you are worth far more than this crock of shit

No. That's victim blaming.

His behaviour is wrong.

FebName · 14/03/2023 14:35

Sparkleshine21 · 13/03/2023 23:38

@FebName Great humble bragging 😄😂

Seriously? What a dick!!! I posted that not to fucking brag but impress how important it was to wait for the right person.

I waited fucking years!! If you're so insensitive to not be able to see that, I feel sorry for you.

Poster like you @Sparkleshine21 are the reason I very rarely come on to Mumnet and use femvox.net instead.

Fucking toxic.

Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/03/2023 15:37

FebName · 14/03/2023 14:35

Seriously? What a dick!!! I posted that not to fucking brag but impress how important it was to wait for the right person.

I waited fucking years!! If you're so insensitive to not be able to see that, I feel sorry for you.

Poster like you @Sparkleshine21 are the reason I very rarely come on to Mumnet and use femvox.net instead.

Fucking toxic.

Show quote history

I know you weren't bragging and just trying to get me to see what it should be like x

OP posts:
Original poster
HowlongdoIwait · 14/03/2023 15:40

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 11:16

Oh and there was the night he got into bed and turned his back on me, ignoring me for 30-45 mins to play on his phone .

For Valentine's Day I got a text after not hearing from him for 48 hours which said 'happy valentines haha'

He'd been single for 4 years and said women had got bored of his behaviour in the past . There's a reason a man who looked like him and had money was single

Sorry for hijacking your thread . It does help to write it down though !

Feel free to share my post :-)

Definitely sounds like you did the right thing. He was even more flakey than mine!!

Once day we'll both meet someone who deserves us and will treat us right. In the meantime, we need to work on making sure we know our boundaries and don't let these guys treat us badly x

OP posts:
splayed · 16/03/2023 08:22

FebName · 14/03/2023 14:35

Seriously? What a dick!!! I posted that not to fucking brag but impress how important it was to wait for the right person.

I waited fucking years!! If you're so insensitive to not be able to see that, I feel sorry for you.

Poster like you @Sparkleshine21 are the reason I very rarely come on to Mumnet and use femvox.net instead.

Fucking toxic.

Show quote history

Try not to let the trolls get to you. Sad little people.

Zanatdy · 16/03/2023 08:50

I feel for you. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 4 months and in that time I got really close to him and could definitely see potential. As could he, I mean he was the one talking about future living together / marriage etc. As in jokey not serious. He is a single dad and super busy and all of a sudden he went weird on me. I can see the red flags loud and clear but I just can’t fully let him go. I need to work on my boundaries big time, first relationship in years since I split from ex and god the sex is amazing which is also hard to give up!

I asked him what’s going on the other day, fully expecting him to say he’s not feeling it anymore when he said he still feels the same. Yet not seen him in weeks and barely heard from him. I need to bin him and get myself signed up to some online dating but listen to the advice I often post and know my worth. Sending you a big hug, I know how you feel.

xfan · 16/03/2023 10:10

Do you feel pressured to be in a romantic relationship? Do you tend to make poor decisions in other areas of life?

NCMum79 · 16/03/2023 10:18

I agree with thematriarchs post...A man waiting 3 months to see if he should have sex because it isn't fair if it's not going anywhere. Bollocks. No offence to men but their privates have a lot of say in male behaviour and this just doesn't ring true.

Floppyelf · 16/03/2023 10:19

In a few months you would be laughing out of relief that you escaped such a waste of space. Be kind to yourself. 💐

RunTowardsTheLight · 16/03/2023 10:21

Don't worry OP. This guy isn't the right one but three months isn't long to waste on him. You're not an idiot!

Livelifelaughter · 16/03/2023 13:24

Zanatdy · 16/03/2023 08:50

I feel for you. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 4 months and in that time I got really close to him and could definitely see potential. As could he, I mean he was the one talking about future living together / marriage etc. As in jokey not serious. He is a single dad and super busy and all of a sudden he went weird on me. I can see the red flags loud and clear but I just can’t fully let him go. I need to work on my boundaries big time, first relationship in years since I split from ex and god the sex is amazing which is also hard to give up!

I asked him what’s going on the other day, fully expecting him to say he’s not feeling it anymore when he said he still feels the same. Yet not seen him in weeks and barely heard from him. I need to bin him and get myself signed up to some online dating but listen to the advice I often post and know my worth. Sending you a big hug, I know how you feel.

I was having a chat with a friend yesterday and we both agreed there's more men who seem fantastic and then blow cold ...

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