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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating someone Separated

33 replies

EllaRay1 · 13/03/2023 16:11

Hi Everybody,

Thank you lovelies for taking the time out of your busy day as to read my post, I am looking for anyone who ever been in similar position or guidance, as I am in two minds.

Been dating someone a few months who is separated with a young child. We met and instantly connected and have been smitten ever since, going strength to strength. The connection and chemistry is something I’ve never experienced with a person, even myself being in long term relationships.
We was talking about a future and making plans. Feelings and future wants have all been equal from both sides.

Recently they have admitted there is still feelings for the ex-partner and the divorce process is yet to be started. But not feelings of wanting to get back together, which I have trusted.
It was an early question I asked, as I would never get involved if they wanted to fight to have their family back.

They have asked for time to able to sort their head, they are struggling to deal with emotions of separation, events that caused the divorce and having feelings for two people.
They have asked that we communicate through this period and that we can work through it.

I know my self worth and value myself, however do I be there for them through this period to support?
I want to be with this person and gut tells me it’s something special, or do I break away and stop all communication.
I have always been in the mind set if someone wants someone, then they’ll do anything in their power to have them. However I understand being in a position of separation and a child can complicate this outlook.

Any advice or past experiences to help would help my thoughts

Thank you

OP posts:
RebelliousStarrChild · 13/03/2023 16:18

Walk away....
If they are serious about you and feel the same way you do they will sort their situation out and come back to you.
If you hang around during the process you leave yourself open to being hurt and possibly lied to while they work through it all and it will start to play with your self esteem.

Tigp · 13/03/2023 16:23

Personally I wound walk away and have no communication. There is a danger when you date someone who has only just split up that you become the rebound relationship when they were not ready for one at all. Feelings can be heightened in these due to the person who split wanting to prove to themselves that they are loveable and attractive and it can create a false honeymoon period. These first relationships after a split often end when the feelings wear off but they are very heady when ongoing.

Goatbilly · 13/03/2023 16:34

You're already talking about a "future" having known this person a few months? They admitted to having some (residual?) feelings for their ex partner? This is really low Op @EllaRay1 Walk away and in the meantime ask yourself (truthfully) why are you getting so sucked in already?

xfan · 13/03/2023 16:35

Oh no ,not another separated dad who can't be alone for 5 minutes 🙄....

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 16:41

I have am dating someone separated. It's complicated because family friends, children etc may still see the person as married which they technically are, quite often I think some people may think I was the cause even though he dated people before me.

I think the feeling of loss of being in a family relationship is understandable but I don't understand what your partner says about having "feelings for two people".

A lot of people don't divorce who are separated because of the cost so I wouldn't necessarily read to much into that.

There's a sense of sadness and loss with a divorce so in the same way you would want to support your partner during a sad time do that but I can't see how you can support him regarding feelings for his wife.

Throwncrumbs · 13/03/2023 16:44

Does they still live in the family home…seems the norm in here

whattodo1975 · 13/03/2023 16:47

All too fast, walk away from it.

EllaRay1 · 13/03/2023 16:56

They don’t live in the same house as that would be an instant no from me

I think the comment ‘feelings for two people’ is more they haven’t moved on from their ex. They wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce so possibly why been more challenging?

My opinion has been to walk away to save myself from future hurt, however you hear stories of successful dating stories during separation and people thankful they stuck with it.

OP posts:
EllaRay1 · 13/03/2023 16:57

They had only been married 2.5 years if that gives some more context

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 13/03/2023 17:01

He's told you that he has feelings for his ex and there's no actual divorce in process...

I think you know the answer.

I think you could very well spend a lot of time waiting for him to make up his mind and there's a fair chance that you'll get hurt in the end.

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/03/2023 17:01

Since they didn't want the divorce you should definitely walk away. They need time to process what has happened but they likely don't want to be alone to do this. You would be taking all the emotional risk, it's not worth it.
When they have healed they will be in a much better place to have a relationship with you if it's still what they want.

Highdrama · 13/03/2023 17:04

Why would you ‘support’ him through deciding if he wants to be with his ex or not?

Walk away and be determined about it.

Only thing is, he might come after you and mess you around so I would leave him to it tbh.

Justmeandthedog1 · 13/03/2023 17:15

Walk away. You can do better.

Waitin4snow · 13/03/2023 17:15

over 20 years ago I had a brief relationship very like this . He did ultimately get back together with his wife who had left him and moved out .I heard she left him again in the end .Looking back he was an absolute game player though at the time I felt very much like you . I suggest you run for the hills to be honest OP ..

category12 · 13/03/2023 17:20

Noooooo, they're going to muck you about like nobody's business.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 17:22

You should be running for the hills. This will all end very badly if you choose to stay.

Iamacatslave · 13/03/2023 17:24

Walk away.

Can2022getanyworse · 13/03/2023 17:28

Separated from ex is OK.
Kids is OK.

No progress on the divorce is not OK.
Feelings for the ex still is definitely NOT OK.

Are they still living together? If so, very very big not OK.

You can do better OP. They are not ready to be in a new relationship.

(Both me and my dp were still officially married when we got together but had been separated - financially, emotionally and had moved out - my divorce took 4.5 years which for some of my older relatives was still tricky too manage as there were some comments about infidelity)

Channellingsophistication · 13/03/2023 17:50

He’s simply not ready for a new relationship as he’s still getting over last one. I think it’s easy to rush into a relationship. People can think themselves ready, but they’re not.

33goingon64 · 13/03/2023 18:07

To be fair, I met DH when he was 6 months separated, divorce proceedings were underway but not completed for another 6 months. There were no DC, which I realise alters things. I kept my distance, we went on dates but I stayed emotionally detached until I was sure he'd moved on and was ready. 17 years and 2 DC later we're happier than we've ever been. I think this guy needs the time he's asked for but it's not necessarily the end of things for you.

NoButSeriously · 13/03/2023 18:34

I'd run for the hills to be honest.

My sibling is six months out of her marriage and only a month or so after separating bil started another relationship with a woman who claimed he felt a connection to unlike any other, and he also started making plans for the future with her, plans to live together and have more children, I lost a lot respect for him when he moved so fast without even allowing his children to process their parents splitting, he introduced her to the kids after just a few weeks of dating because he didn't think it fair he put his life "on hold".

Anyway after a few months of dating new "the one" he had a wobble and asked for "some space" and what that actually was, was him telling my sister he misses her madly and misses seeing their children every day and yes, having sex with her too while also keeping his new girlfriend on the back burner and texting and phoning her about his head being messed up. My sister thought they were trying again but bil was stringing then both along and thankfully she caught him on the phone telling new girlfriend he loved her after he'd just shagged my sister, she won't ever take him back now. .

It's now been about six months and since that first break he had from his girlfriend, he's needed space to "sort his head out" at least three times, which consists of him trying to get into my sisters knickers because he misses her. His girlfriend seems like a nice woman and I feel bad because he's playing her for an idiot and she deserves so so so much better.

He puts his girlfriend before his children regularly, my sister suggesting he not introduce someone he's only know a few months to the kids, so he stopped the 50/50 agreement and dropped to every other weekend. And even then, he can't spend four days a month without her there and the kids don't like it so he often cancels on them.

My sister has recently started dating someone, it's been a month of every other weekend dates because she is showing more sense than bil and has made it very clear to the bloke that things will be moving extremely slowly and she won't be committing to anything long term until she is divorced (bil is digging his heels in) and has spent enough time with him to know she can trust him around her children, and even when they get to the point of him meeting the kids, that's be done very very slowly too, her heart wants to plan a future with him because she really really likes him but she knows that's not the best thing for her children and she will always put them first.

The red flag with your boyfriend would be that he's keen to move so fast and make promises when he has a child in the mix, if he hasn't processed and gotten over the separation then his young child is likely struggling too, and if he's making such plans with you so soon, has she introduced you to his child?

Saying all that, I know a case where it has worked, fil met dhs stepmum three month after leaving mil, he didn't divorce mil until ten years later through laziness more than anything else. He took it slowly with stepmil though, it was at least a year before she was introduced to the kids and she was prepared to stay with her family every other weekend if the children didn't like her, her and mil actually ended up being friends and still are 30 years later, dhs step siblings would have sleepovers at mils so fil and stepmum could have weekends away but, and I think this is the key part, fil had no feelings for mil and mil had no feelings for him, their marriage had been over long before they separated. I think that's the key thing, your boyfriend has feelings because it sounds like he didn't want to split. He needs to process and get over that on his own. Therapy might help him. Him wanting space but also staying in touch with you sounds like he wants to keep you as an option which isn't fair on you.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/03/2023 22:29

We was talking about a future and making plans. Feelings and future wants have all been equal from both sides.

Recently they have admitted there is still feelings for the ex-partner and the divorce process is yet to be started.
They have been future faking you & their feelings are certainly not equal to yours.

But not feelings of wanting to get back together, which I have trusted.
Why?
They still have feelings for their ex. Why would you trust the bullshit they are peddling you now?

They have asked for time to able to sort their head, they are struggling to deal with emotions of separation, events that caused the divorce and having feelings for two people.
They have asked that we communicate through this period and that we can work through it.
They have asked to have their cake & eat it, & you are bonkers if you play along with it.
They are asking you to perform the Pick-Me Dance for them, while they dangle you on a string.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

They have an unbelieveable sense of entitlement, & why you are not raging at the disrespect is beyond me. You've basically been told to wait in a corner while they shag their ex for a bit, & decide who gets the "prize".
Tell them you are too good to be played games with, & dump them.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/03/2023 22:31

EllaRay1 · 13/03/2023 16:56

They don’t live in the same house as that would be an instant no from me

I think the comment ‘feelings for two people’ is more they haven’t moved on from their ex. They wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce so possibly why been more challenging?

My opinion has been to walk away to save myself from future hurt, however you hear stories of successful dating stories during separation and people thankful they stuck with it.

The rare success stories aren't about people who are mid-separation & expecting to be able to date their new girlfriend while still shagging their wife.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/03/2023 22:34

33goingon64 · 13/03/2023 18:07

To be fair, I met DH when he was 6 months separated, divorce proceedings were underway but not completed for another 6 months. There were no DC, which I realise alters things. I kept my distance, we went on dates but I stayed emotionally detached until I was sure he'd moved on and was ready. 17 years and 2 DC later we're happier than we've ever been. I think this guy needs the time he's asked for but it's not necessarily the end of things for you.

WHAT?

"I see a future with you, but also I have feelings for my wife so would you just put yourself on hold as if your feelings are immaterial while I see if I can win my wife back?"

MyStarBoy · 13/03/2023 23:01

You must surely know you are his backup/second best option he can’t reconcile with his wife.

Plus there’s a child involved.

Never get involved with someone that’s still married is my advice.

Most men are cowards and do not want to be on their own, and he’s definitely one of them.

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