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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel anxious when not with my bf

35 replies

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 11:43

I have posted on something similar before. Mid 50s, 8 or so months in. My first major relationship for many years - met through friends. It's a serious relationship for both of us but we both agree no intention to marry as we both have before.There's a real closeness between us, we talk a lot, really have a great time together, have small trips away and spend an evening in the week together and a day and night over the weekend, we chat every day, sex is great and there's a spark .After a frankly great day and a long weekend away (separately) in which we called each other every morning and evening and missed each other he became quite withdrawn and said he was grappling being in the relationship and worried, his marriage was cold and he thinks he actually finds it hard being with someone who really cares about him, he felt I was much better at taking things as they are. It makes me so sad and anxious, he doesn't want to end things and nor do I. I have dated many men and been in many relationships and I know what we have is hard to find. How do I cope ?

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/03/2023 11:47

I think this is natural, when I started dating my dh I was waiting for the other shoe to drop as he seemed too good to be true and I didn't know how to trust being that happy. I went for counselling and it helped and other than that just recognising my feelings and he was very good at going at my pace. Its scary really loving someone because then you've something important that you could lose. I'd just try to reassure him.

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/03/2023 11:48

You step back. You managed without him 9 months ago and you will manage without him going forward, if that's what happens. If he's serious about making a go of the relationship suggest he seeks counselling/therapy to deal with the past. It's not your responsibility.

MissingMoominMamma · 13/03/2023 11:53

I say this kindly- it’s not fair for you to depend on him so much emotionally.

Get a hobby with other people. Join a walking group or something. Step back a bit and give him room to work this out, then really enjoy the times you spend together.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 12:02

he became quite withdrawn and said he was grappling being in the relationship and worried, his marriage was cold and he thinks he actually finds it hard being with someone who really cares about him, he felt I was much better at taking things as they are.

What is this claptrap? He's either a flake or he met another woman. Throw him back.

Watchkeys · 13/03/2023 12:04

He's having trouble, so he has to tell you what he needs/wants. You're not supposed to have to find ways to cope with your relationship, you're supposed to try to relate to each other.

Has he left you dangling, with a sudden 'I'm not sure' in the middle of seemingly being really happy? That would make anybody anxious.

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 12:09

OP, with kindness, from all your posts about this relationship, you have issues with:

  • His adult children.
  • His exes.
  • His gay best mate.
  • His communication style.
  • His relationship style.

And this is all over a few months. So, this isn’t a healthy functional relationship. The issue might be you, it might be him, it might be just that you’re not well suited - but it’s clearly not working.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 13:10

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 12:09

OP, with kindness, from all your posts about this relationship, you have issues with:

  • His adult children.
  • His exes.
  • His gay best mate.
  • His communication style.
  • His relationship style.

And this is all over a few months. So, this isn’t a healthy functional relationship. The issue might be you, it might be him, it might be just that you’re not well suited - but it’s clearly not working.

I think it's arisen because I have never been in this situation, that is a relationship with someone in their 50s who although married for many years was in a very dysfunctional relationship. After talking to him the current position is

His adult children know about me to an extent I am comfortable with - that's fine, I am not a secret, that's all I need.

We spend enough time together for his best friend not to be an issue - to be honest I may not wholly understand it, but that's okay.

Hi ex girlfriends as friends - we have talked about it, he meets them for coffees/lunch and that seems a compromise that works for us both, and they know about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 14:14

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/03/2023 11:48

You step back. You managed without him 9 months ago and you will manage without him going forward, if that's what happens. If he's serious about making a go of the relationship suggest he seeks counselling/therapy to deal with the past. It's not your responsibility.

Helpful thank you.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 14:42

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 13:10

I think it's arisen because I have never been in this situation, that is a relationship with someone in their 50s who although married for many years was in a very dysfunctional relationship. After talking to him the current position is

His adult children know about me to an extent I am comfortable with - that's fine, I am not a secret, that's all I need.

We spend enough time together for his best friend not to be an issue - to be honest I may not wholly understand it, but that's okay.

Hi ex girlfriends as friends - we have talked about it, he meets them for coffees/lunch and that seems a compromise that works for us both, and they know about me.

Show quote history

You’ve only addressed three of the five points listed and also skipped the fact that healthy functional relationships simply aren’t this much of an anxiety inducing slog a few months in.

Unananana · 13/03/2023 14:46

Women are not rehabs for men.

A good relationship does not bring this much angst.

Sounds like overall you are being taken for a mug tbh

neitherofthem · 13/03/2023 15:01

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 13:10

I think it's arisen because I have never been in this situation, that is a relationship with someone in their 50s who although married for many years was in a very dysfunctional relationship. After talking to him the current position is

His adult children know about me to an extent I am comfortable with - that's fine, I am not a secret, that's all I need.

We spend enough time together for his best friend not to be an issue - to be honest I may not wholly understand it, but that's okay.

Hi ex girlfriends as friends - we have talked about it, he meets them for coffees/lunch and that seems a compromise that works for us both, and they know about me.

Show quote history

These are all compromises you are making and things you are doing your best to tolerate, although they are not as you would like.

What compromises is he making?

Seaoftroubles · 13/03/2023 15:17

To me this sounds like an exit strategy or else he is trying to dial things down. Either way it seems he is not interested in including you fully in his life. Is he really struggling? That may be just an excuse so that he can continue to see his friends, ex girlfriend etc and fit you in when it suits him.

Opentooffers · 13/03/2023 15:28

Reminds me of someone I dated who had been in a long dysfunctional marriage (also had a gay friend). Lol, hope it's not him. He was emotionally unavailable and looking back, probably some ego game playing, was super- attentive at the start. I'd just be second guessing the relationship, when he'd manage to do just enough to temporarily ally my concerns till the next time. Went distant just after booking a holiday, which unwisely neither if us ended up having the guts to pull out of - its in the annals of holiday disasters, I might laugh about it one day ( a week of polite awkwardness).
Anyway, I'd already suggested that maybe he should play the field a bit - I've been there, done that, got it out of my system since. He denyed that was what he was about, and claimed he was on the same monogamous page. It was all BS though, fact is, some people will just lie about intent because they know you probably wouldn't give them the time of day.
I'm quite accepting of it having been dysfunctional compared to other people Ive dated, but it's of concern that you seem to think that this current one exceeds other relationships you've had - begs the question how bad were they?
Is this really a fantastic, hard to find, relationship? Doesn't sound like it.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 15:35

neitherofthem · 13/03/2023 15:01

These are all compromises you are making and things you are doing your best to tolerate, although they are not as you would like.

What compromises is he making?

Show quote history

To be fair he has made compromises, I haven't listed them in detail but I don't agree these are all my compromises it's a middle ground . I don't feel as though I am tolerating things, I don't feel in a relationship that either person should ask for permission.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 15:39

Seaoftroubles · 13/03/2023 15:17

To me this sounds like an exit strategy or else he is trying to dial things down. Either way it seems he is not interested in including you fully in his life. Is he really struggling? That may be just an excuse so that he can continue to see his friends, ex girlfriend etc and fit you in when it suits him.

I would hope not. I don't feel "fitted in" we check our diaries and find a time each week to see each other and at the weekend to the default is Saturday if anything I tend to be busier at the weekend than he is with other social things.

OP posts:
neitherofthem · 13/03/2023 15:43

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 15:35

To be fair he has made compromises, I haven't listed them in detail but I don't agree these are all my compromises it's a middle ground . I don't feel as though I am tolerating things, I don't feel in a relationship that either person should ask for permission.

Show quote history

Well then, what is it that's making you feel so sad and anxious? You are clearly not happy with the way things are at the moment.

What would have to happen in order for you to feel secure and happy in the relationship?

Seaoftroubles · 13/03/2023 15:56

O.P, in that case what's the problem? If you both schedule time together and you feel he appreciates and prioritises you why are you feeling anxious?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 16:05

Opentooffers · 13/03/2023 15:28

Reminds me of someone I dated who had been in a long dysfunctional marriage (also had a gay friend). Lol, hope it's not him. He was emotionally unavailable and looking back, probably some ego game playing, was super- attentive at the start. I'd just be second guessing the relationship, when he'd manage to do just enough to temporarily ally my concerns till the next time. Went distant just after booking a holiday, which unwisely neither if us ended up having the guts to pull out of - its in the annals of holiday disasters, I might laugh about it one day ( a week of polite awkwardness).
Anyway, I'd already suggested that maybe he should play the field a bit - I've been there, done that, got it out of my system since. He denyed that was what he was about, and claimed he was on the same monogamous page. It was all BS though, fact is, some people will just lie about intent because they know you probably wouldn't give them the time of day.
I'm quite accepting of it having been dysfunctional compared to other people Ive dated, but it's of concern that you seem to think that this current one exceeds other relationships you've had - begs the question how bad were they?
Is this really a fantastic, hard to find, relationship? Doesn't sound like it.

Oh dear.... I think it does exceed pervious ones because he is truly kind, has a really warm personality, is very affectionate, whenever I meet a friend of his they say " I have heard so much about you". Also I had a bereavement of a parent and he was a complete rock
I have suffered from anxiety and needed counselling in the recent past.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 13/03/2023 17:02

What do you want from him? To take back what he said, or something different?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 17:13

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 13/03/2023 17:02

What do you want from him? To take back what he said, or something different?

That's a good question. He can't take back what he said. I think I want him to say he's struggling but wants this. I said that I don't want him to be in a relationship with me if he doesn't want that, and said he knows I am not forcing him, he's trying to be in a relationship with me which is different from his marriage which seems to have been two strangers bringing up children.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 13/03/2023 17:29

Throw him back. If what he is saying is true, he hasn't got over his last relationship. Why would you want to be a rebound? Although its more then likely that he's making excuses and he's just not that into you. Either way, move on.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 17:36

Stressfordays · 13/03/2023 17:29

Throw him back. If what he is saying is true, he hasn't got over his last relationship. Why would you want to be a rebound? Although its more then likely that he's making excuses and he's just not that into you. Either way, move on.

He's been separated 2 years and is divorcing! I

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 17:53

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 17:36

He's been separated 2 years and is divorcing! I

Show quote history

Sigh. Then stay with him and be stressed, anxious and miserable, I guess?

Stressfordays · 13/03/2023 17:59

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 17:36

He's been separated 2 years and is divorcing! I

Show quote history

That means nothing if it was a bad relationship. You're making a lot of excuses for a grown man who is making you feel so bad.

Watchkeys · 13/03/2023 18:22

I think I want him to say he's struggling but wants this

Then tell him that's what you need, and that not knowing that this is the case is making you anxious.

What's stopping you telling him how you feel? Why are you telling us, not him?

I have dated many men and been in many relationships and I know what we have is hard to find

But what you have is a relationship that's causing you anxiety, and has you posting on a forum rather than talking to your partner about a relationship issue. Why do you think you're living the dream? Lots of men might be 'better than you've had before', but it doesn't make them 'right'.