Page 2 | I feel anxious when not with my bf

Livelifelaughter · 2023-03-13T11:43:07+00:00

I have posted on something similar before. Mid 50s, 8 or so months in. My first major relationship for many years - met through friends. It's a serious relationship for both of us but we both agree no intention to marry as we both have before.There's a real closeness between us, we talk a lot, really have a great time together, have small trips away and spend an evening in the week together and a day and night over the weekend, we chat every day, sex is great and there's a spark .After a frankly great day and a long weekend away (separately) in which we called each other every morning and evening and missed each other he became quite withdrawn and said he was grappling being in the relationship and worried, his marriage was cold and he thinks he actually finds it hard being with someone who really cares about him, he felt I was much better at taking things as they are. It makes me so sad and anxious, he doesn't want to end things and nor do I. I have dated many men and been in many relationships and I know what we have is hard to find. How do I cope ?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 19:45

Watchkeys · 13/03/2023 18:22

I think I want him to say he's struggling but wants this

Then tell him that's what you need, and that not knowing that this is the case is making you anxious.

What's stopping you telling him how you feel? Why are you telling us, not him?

I have dated many men and been in many relationships and I know what we have is hard to find

But what you have is a relationship that's causing you anxiety, and has you posting on a forum rather than talking to your partner about a relationship issue. Why do you think you're living the dream? Lots of men might be 'better than you've had before', but it doesn't make them 'right'.

I post on MN because it's just a way of getting some perspective and advice, that's not a bad thing surely? And that's what it's here for.

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Fedupofdiets · 13/03/2023 20:58

I rarely search an OP for previous threads but did because of what a pp said. You have posted 14 times since Jan about this man all with various issues mainly around anxiety. I mean this with kindness I promise but that level of anxiety and overthinking is just not natural. May be it is you, may be it is him but either way relationships are not meant to be so difficult. Let him go and lose the anxiety you will feel so much lighter.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 21:15

Fedupofdiets · 13/03/2023 20:58

I rarely search an OP for previous threads but did because of what a pp said. You have posted 14 times since Jan about this man all with various issues mainly around anxiety. I mean this with kindness I promise but that level of anxiety and overthinking is just not natural. May be it is you, may be it is him but either way relationships are not meant to be so difficult. Let him go and lose the anxiety you will feel so much lighter.

Thank you. I do think I need to work on my anxiety it began before I met him, subsided, flared up after a bereavement, I am not saying he has not part but I also think it's something I need to manage.

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Opentooffers · 14/03/2023 14:27

Hope he doesn't share a business with his ex as that would make divorce tricky - have you seen any proof that he has started divorce proceedings?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 14:41

Opentooffers · 14/03/2023 14:27

Hope he doesn't share a business with his ex as that would make divorce tricky - have you seen any proof that he has started divorce proceedings?

He has been trying to agree a financial separation for many months. I trust him re the divorce proceedings, he actually just showed me the messages and emails on his phone (I didn't ask) and it was literally because he just wanted my opinion on a response.

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Watchkeys · 14/03/2023 16:59

Yes, I understand that. I wasn't criticising you, I was asking you a question: why is our perspective more important or easier to ask for than his? 'Why are you asking us and not him?' is a question. The answer may help you to clarify what's happening for you. I'm not trying to passive aggressively tell you you're wrong to be here!

People in healthy, happy relationships don't need to ask forums for their perspective because it's irrelevant. Why is it relevant to you? What difference does it make to you, if instinctively, the way you deal with issues within your relationship isn't to communicate with your partner?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 17:23

Watchkeys · 14/03/2023 16:59

Yes, I understand that. I wasn't criticising you, I was asking you a question: why is our perspective more important or easier to ask for than his? 'Why are you asking us and not him?' is a question. The answer may help you to clarify what's happening for you. I'm not trying to passive aggressively tell you you're wrong to be here!

People in healthy, happy relationships don't need to ask forums for their perspective because it's irrelevant. Why is it relevant to you? What difference does it make to you, if instinctively, the way you deal with issues within your relationship isn't to communicate with your partner?

Thank you for clarifying. I think I honestly feel really inexperienced with men. Admittedly I have been married and divorced but I haven't had a serious relationship for 10 years, lots of dating but nothing on an emotional level as connected as this. It scares me that I am doing something wrong. I really liked being single but actually I had some awful things thrown my way last year, a bereavement, job loss in a few months and his support really made a difference to me and I feel stronger in a relationship. If I have a bad day or something shit happens he steps up. I think you're right I do need to talk to him. Partly putting things on this forum sounds out different views about whether I am being unreasonable..

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Watchkeys · 14/03/2023 17:28

It scares me that I am doing something wrong

Who makes the rules and guidelines about what's 'right' or 'wrong' for you to do? If you were 'doing something wrong', whose authority would you bow to? Obviously if the bloke at the corner shop said you were doing something wrong in your relationship, you'd be likely to ignore that (and possibly tell him to sod off!). If a kid from the local school told you the same, you'd be unlikely to change your behaviour as a result. Who would you give the authority to?

neitherofthem · 15/03/2023 15:00

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 17:23

Thank you for clarifying. I think I honestly feel really inexperienced with men. Admittedly I have been married and divorced but I haven't had a serious relationship for 10 years, lots of dating but nothing on an emotional level as connected as this. It scares me that I am doing something wrong. I really liked being single but actually I had some awful things thrown my way last year, a bereavement, job loss in a few months and his support really made a difference to me and I feel stronger in a relationship. If I have a bad day or something shit happens he steps up. I think you're right I do need to talk to him. Partly putting things on this forum sounds out different views about whether I am being unreasonable..

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Perhaps he feels that the relationship is very intense and that you are leaning on him too much for emotional support. It is still relatively early days.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 15/03/2023 16:07

neitherofthem · 15/03/2023 15:00

Perhaps he feels that the relationship is very intense and that you are leaning on him too much for emotional support. It is still relatively early days.

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Thank you, there may be something in that. He mentioned that he felt the relationship had become serious very quickly but we are at the stage we would in any event be at, although for longer - he actually told his wife after 6 weeks so if that was the case it wasn't just me . I have told him that were it not for the bereavement he would not have met my family (at the funeral).

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