How do I improve my appalling social skills

[Fred92]

Hi

I've put this under 'relationships' because I can't find the right topic for this.

I have very very bad problems. I am terrible at talking to people. It's hard to explain but I'm just a mess. Very socially awkward. Conversation doesn't flow from me normally. I'm so shifty and uncomfortable. I can just feel that my body language is awkward and I don't know where to look when I'm in a group. I look around at other people and they are just acting normally, laughing and joking, why can't I be like them? I get upset and have lots of negative thoughts going round my head about how inadequate I am when I'm out with people. I sometimes have to leave and get really angry and upset when I get home because I feel like a failure.

I want to be able make friends/connections with people, especially Women. I normally go out with my sister and her friends because I find it hard to make friends of my own. But I also use Meetup.com and Facebook groups.

It's so frustrating. It seems I'm the first man in human history to get to the age of 30 and to never have had a girlfriend. It's impossible for a Woman to find me attractive when my social skills are this bad. In an ideal world there would be a Woman that loved me for who I am despite my flaws but the world doesn't work that way. Being socially awkward is unforgivable.

What can I do to solve this problem and improve my social skills? I just want to make progress. I will never be the life and soul of the party and that's ok but I need to do better.

Thank you

Do you work?

My children both got part time jobs in public facing roles as teenagers and it helped with their social skills no end.

Also, women become very adept at recognising when socially awkward men are approaching them for relationship purposes. From the woman's perspective, it feels very uncomfortable.

Forget about meeting women and just work on the social skills to begin with.

There was a very popular book a while ago called how to find friends and influence people.

Great advice all around

Yes I work on my own and don't see many people.

@GreyCarpet Yes I work on my own and don't see many people.

Do you have the capacity to get a part time job in a shop or as a waiter or something?

Just to learn, practice and develop those skills?

Get a part time job in a coffee shop. Absolutely agree that it is the perfect way to improve social skills - apart from dealing with people yourself, you will get to observe lots of other people interacting with each other.

Even people who are highly socially skilled have conversations that they feel went terribly, have awkward situations, have people who just don’t like them, encounter hostile or aggressive individuals, have off days, feel lonely, have issues when they feel there is no one to talk to, meet lots of people who aren’t attracted to them.

The guys who end up with lots of romantic opportunities are often not the big macho dudes but men who like women as people first.

Join an activity with a lot of women at it - library or local bookshop book groups are good. Hang out with women so you see them as peers and friends, and your social skills with them will improve greatly.

Also - most women are not obsessed with finding Mr Drop Dead Gorgeous in expensive clothes, but being very clean and dressed in clean clothes goes a long way and is very much appreciated!

@GreyCarpet No I work full time unfortunately. But I know what you mean. I had a temporary job years ago when I had to talk to customers. It doesn't hurt to interact like that.

I'd say talk to your GP and see if you can get an assessment for a psychologist. There could be valid MH reasons why it is so bad so just being able to learn via practice may not be all that easy. You could be on an autistic spectrum which is causing social anxiety or maybe just anxious. It would hard to say what the problem is without knowing and assessing you. For instance, I suspect I have ADD - can get distracted easily and sometimes hyperfocus. If there is an underlying diagnosis, it's better to start from there, if not then counselling to discuss and fid the cause of your anxiety could be an approach.

Are you autistic?

If you are, you have social skills, they're just a different set to neurotypical people's.

Understanding your neurology might help you understand yourself better ❤️

@BeingPartOfThings I've never been tested. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm on the spectrum. I know people who say they are autistic but they seem normal at interacting though.

1. Ask people (anyone) questions about themselves and listen to their answers, then ask a follow up.

1. Before you go to an event, think of some "conversation starters" to get going with. E.g. I took up this hobby because xyz, why did you start it?

1. Try starting with people who also look a bit ill at ease, they will probably appreciate someone making an effort

1. Also think of some ways to get out of a conversation - e.g. "nice to meet you, I'm just going to get a drink". Then you know you can leave if you start feeling awkward

Don't put pressure on yourself! Start small and practice.

It's hard to be sociable when you are shy. It's good that you have your sister and her friends to go out and about with, but you need to build up your confidence on your own too. Could you do a few hours voluntary work at the weekends? Even somewhere like a charity shop where you can chat to all sorts of people. Or as a previous poster mentioned serving in a coffee shop. A warm smile and showing interest in others can works wonders and make you feel better about yourself too.

You need to know whether or not you're autistic.

If you are, it could make a significant positive difference in how you feel about yourself, how others feel about you, and how you approach the difficulties you've described.

As an autistic man, you're much more likely to be successful socialising with and dating autistic women, for example.

It sounds as if you're partly blaming your situation on women/society being "unforgiving" towards social awkwardness? It's not about being "unforgiving"; it's about all of us, even extroverts, finding conversation hard sometimes and avoiding uncomfortable situations. Don't you, too, prefer being with someone who will do some of the "heavy lifting" in a conversation?
It's also about women feeling at risk when they meet a man who acts oddly around them. Men are often bigger/stronger than us, and most of us have been in a situation where we have felt unsafe in a man's presence. A man who can't reassure us by appearing friendly and unthreatening can come across as a potential threat. None of that is your fault, or women's fault. It's the fault of the men who really are a risk to women.
Watch out that you don't fall into the trap of seeing the world as unfair or against you: that will make you feel worse, and make you a less attractive prospect as a friend/partner.

You don't really believe you are the only man in your situation, do you? Was that just a rant? I know men older than you who have either never had a relationship, or have had a handful of brief encounters (in their 30s or later) and no more. One struggled with alcoholism; until his 30s he was a total wreck, now he is sober but still unemployed and hopeless. Another has an "alternative" lifestyle that few women embrace. Another was extremely socially awkward and only started attracting women in his 50s. Maybe you need to spend more time with other men and other loners, rather than just with your sister's outgoing friends - to help your own self-image by comparison and realise you're not a special case.

I was extremely socially anxious when I was younger and took on a job as an EFL teacher, partly to practice conversation-making. Perhaps you could find someone who wants to improve their English, for the same reason. The advantage is that you can practise making small talk, but if that dries up then you can fall back on grammar, or introduce a new subject in a really clunky way (from a list, for instance) because that's accepted in a language lesson.

People like to chat so lead with an open question to make them do all the talking

And from there you'll find something to add

Just let them talk without interrupting

Then add your bit

I used to be really awkward too but things have really taken off lately. Just keep practising. Create a really busy life so that there isn’t so much pressure on a few facets of your life, and any awkwardness is diluted and easily forgotten as you’re so busy doing so much stuff.

Adam just gave you some cool advice

You don't have to talk to women if you want to improve, find someone that makes you feel at ease.

Weather

Common interests

Friendships take time to build, so wherecer you hang out the most, that's where you'll meet people

Read the news so you can chat about current situation, like footy, if you support a team, and sonething lighthearted

Match mood. If someone seems to be down, don't say HI YALL🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩, try to match their mood, low-key mood, low-key convo

It's not your job to juggle an entire convo. Give yourself a break. Other people have to participate, too

In the beginning, less is more

Good luck!

@Thenose I kind of too afraid to do the test because In a way I don't want to know. If I'm told that I'm autistic that would be very worrying. I don't like to think that there's something wrong with me.

There's nothing "wrong" with you if you are autistic. Your brain has different wiring, is all.

You may find it helps to have an explanation as to why you find some situations less natural than other people.

This is Donald trump's favourite book ... so no please don't read this book which is a load of bullshit anyway.

maybe you can set yourself a challenge next time you go out to speak to one person you haven’t spoken to before and ask them a question about themselves. Don’t look beyond that, just try to achieve that one thing.
Then when you go home you will feel like you’ve had a positive night rather than it feeling like you’ve failed at being sociable.

I'm autistic. It doesn't want there's anything 'wrong' with you. It would just explain why you find some things difficult that other people don't.

I seem 'normal' at interacting to a degree. If you watch me for long enough, you'll se that I'm not. I went out with my boyfriend and some friends at the weekend. At one point, my boyfriend went and spoke to someone else and I just stood there. Perfectly still with my hands clenched into fists by my side not looking at anyone and staring straight ahead. I used to care what people thought. Now I don't.

It's worth getting tested. It helps you either understand yourself better if you are. It can also build your confidence in coming up with coping strategies.

It also means that you can find and speak to other autistic people and laugh about your traits and oddities with them if that helps. Sharing experiences with other people similar to you is really useful.

Then don’t read that book. Although I’m surprised that Trump has read a book.