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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship problems

28 replies

Sami2105 · 12/03/2023 11:02

Help needed please… me and my partner have been together for 4 years living together for 3 we have 2 children together aged 2 and 3 week old.

my partner had 3 children with his previous relationship before me. His ex and children live nearby to me.

he goes round his ex house every day straight from work to feed bath and put his children to bed, he also goes round all day on Saturday from 10am until 7.30pm and me and our kids don’t see him in this time.

this situation has been happening since we got together and whenever I question it it turns into an argument.

i feel like he spends too much time around his ex and he says it’s not about his ex it’s about his kids but I feel he should be seeing his kids in the house he lives in (my house) but his ex won’t allow this because she doesn’t want his kids anywhere near me.

his children haven’t met their younger half siblings because his ex won’t allow it. She rings him up at 10pm some nights to tell him one of the kids has gotten out of bed and he goes round to put them back in bed.

we argue every time I bring it up I tell him she’s taking the piss out of him and he says it’s his problem not mine and that I should keep out of it. He is too afraid to stand up to her, as she uses the kids as weapons and he can only see them on her terms or not at all.

I love him and I know he loves me but I am sick of the situation and need help to have a normal relationship with him.

i understood at first she was jealous and bitter but 4 years on and the situation hasn’t changed

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2023 12:16

Did you think that by having children with him he would change ?
He isn’t prioritising you or your children and I doubt he will ever integrate them else he would’ve done so by now .
That said you can’t expect him to give up on his existing kids either - you knew they were there when you met him .
It all sounds very stressful and tbh not worth the hassle. You will never have the relationship you want with this man. I think you blaming his ex for everything is wrong - your partner has a responsibility to sort this mess out and he isn’t doing so . He is allowing it to carry on like this . He is the problem here - not his ex .

Soontobemumof2x · 12/03/2023 12:18

The problem isn't the ex, it's your Dp.

I'd be really questioning if this is a relationship I'd want to be in.

category12 · 12/03/2023 12:23

It's good that he's a committed parent.

I know it's done now, but why did you accept this situation, get involved and go as far as to have children with this man?

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to stop doing what he has always done for his children. I don't think it's reasonable for you to live like this either but it's crazy that you went ahead with this relationship in these circumstances.

GreyCarpet · 12/03/2023 12:27

I'm not sure what advice you want really.

This is how it's been from the start. Why did you think it would change just because you had children? Why did you have a second with him when this was still how it was after your first?

You are not going to he able to change this so you either decide you're OK with it amdive woth it or you decide you're not and you don't. Those really are the only options.

Zanatdy · 12/03/2023 14:10

He’s obviously afraid of his ex and knows she will stop him seeing the kids if he rocks the boat. He needs to consider his own children and apply for court ordered access to his children so that they can visit their siblings and he stops going round there. If he’s not prepared to do that then I wouldn’t be prepared to continue the relationship. Then he’s got 4 kids he’s not living with.

Quitelikeit · 12/03/2023 14:14

Why on earth did you ever tolerate this ridiculous setup in the first place?

Love? This is not love this is a pathetic weak man allowing his ex to control his life

why on earth did you have kids with him if you didn’t like his arrangement?

id bet my house they’re still getting in to bed together on occasion too

Original poster

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 02:52

Hi I’m blaming his ex because I’ve seen her use the kids as a weapon. I.e she phone him at 11pm saying kids out of bed and if he doesn’t come sort her out he will never see her again. She really is bitter. I don’t think he is doing anything un toward I just think he’s afraid ti stand up to her and I was kind a hoping things would change with time and I’m not trying ti take him away from his kids I just feel he should be seeing his kids somewhere else

OP posts:

Original poster

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 02:53

She’s the problem also he has adhd and learning difficulties she manipulates him

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2023 02:56

There are three of you in this relationship.

Original poster

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 02:58

Because he promised change and I believed him. said he was just doing it until she had gotten over the break up etc

I don’t have anything against the amount of time he spends with his children I just think he should be seeing his children at our home or if she won’t allow that at someone else’s home and j believe they should meet their siblings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 03:00

This is what I’ve been trying to get him to do I’ve been advising him to see them elsewhere his mothers house if he’s not allowed to bring them around me and if she kicks up a fuss to report her to authorities and go court and if support him but he won’t don’t it

OP posts:

snitzelvoncrumb · 13/03/2023 03:03

Honestly you have two choices, live like this or leave. Maybe once you have thrown him out you might see him more.

Navigatingthroughlife · 13/03/2023 07:09

I personally would not be happy with my partner doing this. I don’t understand why they don’t have a ‘normal’ coparenting relationship for example X amount of days with dad X amount of days with mum. Also coming from someone who’s parents separated and seeing family members who have separated with partners and kids are involved this would confuse the kids surely? I saw my nephews confused with my brother would be at his ex’s a lot after they split up to look after them etc and to them it caused more emotional damage.

Navigatingthroughlife · 13/03/2023 07:11

Also why is the ex so against the kids having a relationship with you? When you have kids with someone you never plan to split up but it happens and you have to realise your ex is going to move on in time.

category12 · 13/03/2023 16:54

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 03:00

Unfortunately, if he's unwilling to challenge the situation or or consider taking it to court, then your problem isn't her, it's him. On some level it suits him this way, no matter what he says to you.

He'd rather you suck it up than sort it out properly, and since you do keep on sucking it up and do keep on going down the path of more and more commitment/more babies/family life even though you're unhappy, he's got no incentive to change it.

GarlicGrace · 13/03/2023 17:00

Have you ever tried just taking your DC over there on a Saturday, leaving them with him?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 13/03/2023 17:58

When you split up, do you think he’ll make the same time for visiting your two children?

aureus3012 · 13/03/2023 18:50

This is a crazy situation, especially the bit about him going round at 11pm if one of them gets out of bed. You need to give him an ultimatum....either he sorts out proper access that is fair, or kick him out. I guarantee he'll move in with them if you do though. You deserve better!

Moredrama · 13/03/2023 19:05

OP how on earth do you live like this?! Unfortunately he knows she’s taking the piss and yet he’s allowing it to continue. They aren’t together, he does not have to see the children in her house and does not have to be at her beck and call. I guarantee if he puts his foot down she will only stop him seeing the kids for a week or two at most because she clearly can’t cope parenting them herself.
if he’s not willing to put it to the test then I’m sorry to say you really need to leave him. How can you possibly explain that to your children as they get older, that daddy is with his other children at their house all day every day. No, that’s awful for your DC.
Tell him if he doesn’t find a solution/compromise then he will have to try to find a way to be at two houses at once seeing his children, putting them to bed, etc when you leave him.

Clearly his ex can’t move on and that’s why she’s punishing him. The minute she meets someone else this will stop, but you shouldn’t have to wait for that, he’s your partner and has a responsibility to you and your children

HappyintheHills · 13/03/2023 19:12

How old are his other children?

When did he leave her?

Where did he move to?

mybunniesandme · 13/03/2023 19:15

His older children must be pretty young still if they still require bathing and putting to bed.....in which case he can't have been out of the marriage long before he got with you and had 2 more children in quick succession....

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 01:31

Sami2105 · 13/03/2023 02:52

FFS have neither of you heard of court ordered access arrangements?

You're blaming his ex because you can't bear to believe he's wilfully choosing not to prioritise you.

He;s blaming his ex as a smokescreen. He likes having both of you hankering after him, & making you perform the Pick-Me Dance.

CJsGoldfish · 14/03/2023 02:50

You were hoping it would change if you had a baby together and it didn't.
So you added another anyway? 🙄

If he wanted to, he'd arrange access via court. He hasn't.
Not sure what else you can do. Another baby isn't it btw.

Ghostbuster2639 · 14/03/2023 03:52

He’s basically living there isn’t he?

If he won’t formalise arrangements it’s because he doesn’t want to. He’s happy as things are.

MrsRickAstley · 14/03/2023 04:36

How old are the other children ?

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