DB's reaction to my domestic abuse

[DivorcingEU]

I emailed DB (lives v far away) yesterday to tell him I've been suffering domestic abuse, and that it was a trained, third party organisation that said this, rather then me exaggerating. Gave him some updates on my long running divorce (which I don't normally bore him with because he knows things have been bad and doesn't ask how I am or how things are).

His response is basically "Oh it looks like there's been a lot going on."

I feel so totally unsupported. I live abroad so have been in a situation where I have literally been trapped in a marriage by a man who has all but admitted he is trapping me. DB knows this. Trying to get divorced has been going on for years.

I know people who have parents/a parent who have/has helped them get out of bad relationships. I don't have that. I have a few friends, but they all have their own lives and caring extended families. I'm happy for them, it just means they're busy with their own families a lot. They also do not even remotely understand what it is to be so isolated in a foreign country (they're abroad, but have a lot of love around them). Weekends come and they do nice things with their families. I literally try to survive them. Every single weekend. I absolutely dread every holiday, long weekend etc.

We're told to reach out for support. But what happens when you do and it isn't there? What are you supposed to do then? Even when I've told him it's definitely domestic abuse, really not me being "over sensitive", my own brother barely gives two shits. He wants my health to get better (devastated by stress), but sees that as basically due to a lack of my own discipline. It's all turned back on me, when I just want someone to hold my hand.

I'm sorry I know I'm being self-putting. It's confusing though. We're told to reach out, but not told what to do when we do that and nobody is really there.

He has acknowledged it but I imagine living so far away he would feel powerless to help you. Also some people are just not very good at knowing how to respond to stuff like this. What is it you would like from him? Maybe you need to be more direct?

Did you directly ask him for support? And what would that look like to you?
Or did you send an email with an update about your situation and hope he'd offer something or respond in a different way?

You need to be direct, tell him what you need from him.

Why are you unable to leave until the divorce is finalised? Do you know what your plan will be then?

What country are you in? X

There’s a few things here.

Yes, reaching out for support is good. But that doesn’t mean everyone we reach out is good support or will provide what we need at the moment. There could be many reasons someone doesn’t provide the sort of support we need. They don’t know how, they worry that if they say the wrong thing it will upset you, if they say something awful and you go back to the ex it will cause a rift, they aren’t emotionally equipped.

In this case the distance adds another layer to it. Sometimes people just aren’t great at supporting others in the way they need. Sometimes we aren’t great at communicating what support we need.

He is your brother, that doesn’t mean is is the right person to support you through this. With you living so far away and the communication happening through words on a screen, he simply may not be sure what to say or what you need.

As an aside, having left an abusive marriage, it’s really hard and the stress is unbearable. But people often can’t impact the actual mechanics of the split. So they sometimes try and help you deal with coping with the stress better. And actually, now I am out of the other side, things did get better, once I learned to reduce my stress regardless of what’s going on.

You expect too much. He's acknowledged you're having a hard time.

What specifically do you want him to do? He’s your relative, one you say you don’t usually open up to, he’s not a trained professional. Friends you see more than him can’t help you, how could he?

Where do you live? What services where you live have you approached for help? Where has your therapist referred you to?

He’s acknowledged it’s difficult, he isn’t ignoring you. He’s probably completely stumped about what he could do.

You're trying to get recognition, for someone to say 'God, that's awful, I wish I could help, what do you need, how have you endured that? You poor thing! What a bastard I'll cut his balls off if I ever get the chance!'

He's thinking 'there's nothing I can do about it, I don't know what to say, why doesn't she just...?'.

Many people- most of them men- have no idea of the dynamics of abuse. They don't understand the trap.

I'm sorry he isn't able to help you the way you need.

If it's any help, people on here are pretty good at support. Networks of survivors are far better at support than people who neither see nor understand it.

Reach out here and in local organisations. There will be people who will respond.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll cut his knackers off, for you!

Is it possible your relationship with your brother isn't one built on support?

Sometimes a sibling relationship is just two people who grew up in the same house but never forged a bond of their own.

Have you left you husband or is that what you are trying to achieve?

Tell him what you want him to do. He probably is unaware you're needing tangible support.

Were you looking for practical support? Some many people don’t pick up on things unless you explicitly come out and say it.

I have a friend in this situation, obvious to the outside world that abuse is going in. There’s a pattern of leaving and going back, leaving and going back, so any help can be considered interfering - and then they go back and don’t speak or are again excluded or lied too.

If this has been on going for years and you are now at the point of o return - you need to pick up the phone and speak to him and tell him what you need.

Yes this is spot on

Ling to avoid drip feeding and to try and answer everyone together rather than respecting in multiple posts

He's basically said previously that because I married someone who has a better paying job than our father that I don't have that much of a problem. Incidentally, it's true we're not in poverty, but I don't have full access to finances, I've been controlled through money (DB knows this) and DB earns faaar more than DH plus has no dependents. There's never any question from me that he can't have a hard time because he's wealthy.

There have been NO times where I leave and go back. Or talk about it and don't do it. The issue is that I cannot leave and he's manipulated that. It's true that some friends have disappeared because they think I'm basically wanting to leave, but then not doing it. I've never stopped wanting to leave. I've also never, truly, been able. This remains the case and both my lawyer and his have recognised this and that he has to move out.

In short, I live in a European country, BUT I was on a spousal visa for years. I couldn't change it (I tried) without working and I couldn't get a job because he blocked that. I spoke to immigration lawyers and the immigration department. Both said I basically fell through the cracks here. I now have my own visa due to Brexit, and since I got it I've engaged my own lawyer (prior to that I had tried legal mediation, but it was horrific because he managed to get the lawyer on side and look in sessions like he was engaging but at home would tell me I'm basically stupid for thinking he'd really engage). He's dragging his feet with the divorce now. He's currently hiding most of his pension. As it's in another country, we again have limited power. Things like this. It's so complicated when you're divorcing and different legal systems and languages are involved. This divorce uses three languages and two legal systems. One of which is his and not where we're living now (which is how he can hide assets).

I'm only detailing some of that because people generally don't believe me when I've said "it's complicated" or "I can't leave". I could leave and make myself homeless, but I'd have to leave the children behind (with an abuser) or risk losing my access to them for deliberately making them homeless. The homeless shelters here are full (I do a few hours voluntary work with homeless people here so know this for a fact). I have nowhere to go outside this country either. I can't leave with the kids without his permission. This country only sees abuse as being dramatically physical or sexual so there's no refuge when you're "just" experiencing controlling behaviour or psychological abuse. Because that's not actually considered abuse. You're considered stupid for putting up with it!

What did I want from my brother? Well I guess something along the lines of "Oh, I hadn't realised it had been that bad" as in recognition that I'm not exaggerating. I've never called it abuse to him, because I thought for a long time that maybe I was exaggerating if I used that word, or I'm just over sensitive etc. I've told him some things but to be fair I don't tell him too much because I get the sense he's not interested. I thought when I told him another organisation (British) has called it abuse that he'd realise. Maybe it's like people have said - I'm too far away to be able to help anyway. And maybe he just doesn't care that much.

I wasn't asking him for help though. Basically I just wanted some recognition. And maybe a bit of sympathy. I don't usually want sympathy, but I found it hard to have him read what I'd written and then barely respond.

If I had received that information from him, I would have empathised, said I hadn't realised it was so bad (if I hadn't) etc. Maybe apologised for not realising it was so bad. I didn't actually even consider he'd apologise/hand-apologise, that's just what I'd have done. I would have asked what I could do to help, if anything. Id have said I'm there for him if there's away I can help and that he shouldn't be afraid to ask because I would promise to be honest and say No if it was something I couldn't do, but try and help find an alternative to whatever that was. That I was there for him - and I'd try to actually be there for him rather than offer empty words.

I can't leave the country with the kids without his permission.

You need to ask for what you want, don’t assume other people are mind readers, and don’t assume other people will react the same way you would.

Be explicit

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this OP. It sounds horrific.

I do think that your posts sound like classic displacement though... You're directing your anger at the wrong person. You're telling your brother that you're in a terrible situation that he cannot help with... I think that his reaction is a validation that you're having a horrible time, and I would imagine he probably doesn't know what to say. He probably feels helpless and doesn't know what reaction you're looking for, but what he wrote back to you isn't unfeeling, cold or unreasonable. It's a quiet acknowledgement.

I do hope you'll find a way for you and the children to get out soon OP.

If you’re not that close with your brother or rarely see him what did you any from him? You can’t criticise the nature of his reaction because he has acknowledged it. I’m reasonably close with my brothers but wouldn’t turn to them about marriage issues, I have sisters and friends that I’d talk to instead if needed. Have you got anyone to talk to?

hope you can sort your divorce out and have good legal advice now.

Ok. I've got the message. It's basically that it's unfair of me to disclose abuse to someone close to me and expect empathy. A brushstroke statement is something I should be grateful for.

Some people can disclose and have support as a result, kindness even, but nobody should ever expect that. I have expected too much here. I'm sad because I honestly had no idea it was too much. Which makes me a bit of a chump too because if my DB disclosed abuse to me I'd never respond so nonchalantly. I'd try to help in any way I could. I'd offer, I'd try.

I felt so sad and alone before posting here. I honestly just feel even more alone now - and stupid too.

I'm going to leave the thread. I'm crying and have to look after the kids.

Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful. I’m also sorry your brother doesn’t have the empathy you deserve. But guys I know are crap at that. It’s women who support each other. However there is not much we can do. It’s disgusting that women have so little power in various countries. You deserve better.

First dont expect a man to neccessarily be the best to open to especially one you don't know that well. Secondly an email,text for something so important hmmm I would want a proper verbal chat. I'm sorry your going thru a tough time but it sounds like you really need a councillor or something

I'm sorry @DivorcingEU, you deserve better.

I'm sorry you've fallen through the cracks.

I'm sorry the country you are in doesn't understand core ice and controlling behaviour. It's only been recognised in the UK pretty recently.

I think because you are living it, you understand it- you have no choice. I'd guess your brother's never needed to, and just hasn't got a clue.

Please don't abandon this thread- I think you've misread some responses as being critical, when they're not intended that way.

You do need support. Don't give up.

Nobody has said anything horrible - alternative views are something to be expected when asking fir opinions on a public forum.

If you come on here wanting a “hand hold” or practical advice, it’s ok to ask for that, just been explicit about the support you are looking for.

People (including your brother), can’t mind read about what you need. They will give you the support you need, as long as you ask for it.

I believe it is common for women who grew up in dysfunctional households to end up with abusive partners.

In such cases, a daughter is often the scapegoat and the son is the golden child. If this is true of your situation growing up, it helps explain your brothers attitude towards you. He doesn't have empathy, he was brought up not to consider the feelings of others. He values money/things over love.

I am sorry that you don't feel heard. Invalidation is so very hurtful. I think you will need to look elsewhere for support, someone with disordered thinking cannot help you, but that does not mean your suffering is not real.

He's a man. Of course he's going to uphold the patriarchy.

That's why women set up their own services.

Stop expecting men to be anything but selfish misogynists.

Hi OP.
I totally understand how you're feeling, we're always told to reach out and it can take a long time to do so, and like a last resort and then when you realise that when you reach out there's no help there it's devastating, like someone ripped away a safety blanket that you thought you could have in times of need.

I remember being so angry because all I'd hear on the radio or social media etc. was "reach out" blah blah, but my reality was that when I reached out I got crickets!

Sorry that people on here made you feel worse!