Should I ask if he gave me an STD? Infertility.

[Rogdog]

Many years ago, my first boyfriend - fairly soon after we first slept together I got cystitis. I put it down to him being ‘big’ - but went through a few years of having cystitis off and on. I treated it with Cymalon. He’d only slept with one person before me - but it was someone he met as a one night stand and unprotected. This happened about a year prior to sleeping with me. He had no symptoms at the time or cause for concern.

It was a long distance relationship, lasted 7 years and we split up. I remember about 4 years into the relationship him mentioned a burning sensation when weeing. He wondered if I’d passed on my cystitis to him. He didn’t mention it again.

I then started a new relationship. We tried for children and after an investigation I was told that my tubes were damaged and I needed IVF. The likely cause was a silent STD.

I went through several emotionally traumatic years of failed IVF - but now have 2 beautiful children. One conceived in my late forties via an egg donor.

It has bothered me for years. Did I have an STD? Another potential reason could have been a genetic issue? I can remember looking at a the image - it looked ‘odd’ - one very long tube on one side, and much shorter on the other. My uterus didn’t look ‘straight’.

My ex is still friends on me on FB. He has very, very occasionally messaged e.g. - to say congrats when I had children. He has 3 children of his own. I always wondered if he knew something and didn’t tell me? Especially when he mentioned that he had cystitis too. I feel like I’ve - unfairly had to carry the burden of it all. My instinct has always been to leave it - we are both ok now. But it’s a huge question, it caused me a lot of trauma - and I feel like I need closure.

Or - do you think - from what I’ve written - I probably did get an STD from him? Could he have known and not told me? We lived in different countries - so he may have been cheating on me. I was pretty young and naive - at no point did I think the cystitis was an STD. It always came on after sex - so I thought it was due to his size.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I don't think you're likely to get any information from him though even if he did know something. Why would he tell you now? I think it's best to focus on your children and move forward.

The telling point was when he got symptoms as uncomplicated UTI's are rarer in men. Given that you both had symptoms, and I presume not using condoms - you also knew he had an unprotected ons - it's a shame you never got tested for sti's. Uti symptoms are one classic sign of chlamydia as well as discharge changes.

Thank you both.

@Opentooffers

The only symptom with me was the UTI.

I remembering my ex mentioning that he potentially had a UTI - but then never again. I also have a vague recollection that he took anti biotics (for something else) at one stage - which might have cleared it. But then I would have reinfected him.

Also - I was tested for Chlamydia, when I later had issues - and not positive?

I wondered if I’d had it for a long time and my body had somehow cleared it?

I just feel so much anger that he may have known something and not told me. It was slightly strange when he congratulated me on birth of my children. Almost like he wondered if I was having issues - and a relief when he knew I was ok.

It has had such a massive impact emotionally on me and the life choices I had to make. From telling my partner that I probably had had an STI, that he stayed with me because he was not initially that bothered about having children (although of course he loves them now - but I feel I do 90% of the childcare) - to the failed IVF cycles and miscarriage. To the decision to use an egg donor.

And thinking back, I switched to condoms towards the end of our relationship as I didn’t want to take the pill for too many years. So maybe that’s why I didn’t reinfect.

Honestly if he had chlamydia he probably didn't know either. It doesn't sound like either of you were very aware of STI testing and risk so how would he have known? It's generally asymptomatic in men.

I’m confused here, Cystitis isn’t a STD.. it’s an infection.. it can be passed on during sex though from the bacteria getting into the bladder so yes sure you both could have passed it to eachother (just like how you can with thrush).. however im not sure I understand the relation between this infection and you thinking because he also had it that he caused the STD they say potentially caused your infertility issues?

a UTI can share a lot of the same symptoms as STDs so would have been great to get it checked at the time however I don’t think you would get your answer even if you ask him so wouldn’t get the closure your seeking.

At the same time there are many other reasons you could have your issues with your tubes that don’t involve a STD and think it’s a bit unfair they only gave that as a reason… oh beside an inherited condition which even the big difference in the two show there can be many causes.

Its really unfortunate you have gone through this but don’t think you will get the answers you need from him, by all means ask but don’t expect too much.. if you can though try and investigate your actual reproductive system issues as that seems like it could give more answers.

@Rogdog

I have a blocked tube too and this is something that I have battled with wondering if mine was an undiagnosed missed STD.

I had a one night stand 13 years ago that was partially unprotected - never got tested until about a year ago when I discovered my tube problem :( - I've panicked thinking I have had a STD but all of my tests came back clear.

I saw this thread last night and have been beside myself since as I remember having cystitis the day after the one night stand but I always put this down to it being quite rough sex and I held in going for a wee for HOURS after (was only 17 so very young and stupid) 😖. I then had another couple of bouts of cystitis over the next 13 years but I've always put it down to sex or another time was when we went on holiday and it was incredibly hot and I was dehydrated. I've had cystitis 3 times since the one night stand.

I'm now wondering if I too had a STD that was confused for cystitis?! I never had any other symptoms but I literally only remembered about the cystitis I had last night when I saw your thread too! 😖

You say you want closure but it sounds like you want someone or something to blame and blame isn’t closure.

Closure is accepting that you can’t change what happened.

Why are you doing 90% of the childcare? Are you ‘grateful’ that your partner stayed and therefore have taken on the responsibility of childcare? It sounds like there are issues in your current relationship which you have parked in the ‘bad things that have happened because of my fertility struggles’ column.

It sounds like you’ve had a difficult time of it but I think if you go around pointing the finger based on the flimsiest evidence then you are going to feel much worse.

Its time to work through your fertility grief and sort out your current relationship issues, this would be where your time would be better spent. Sometimes shit happens.

Cystitis isn’t an std
infertility is very common , albeit awful
and you have two kids now ! Congrats

why are you giving this headspace even now ?
and is this a good thing to even give headspace to ?

Either of your parents could have given you an STD unless they had never had sex.

Sounds like chlamydia

What?

Eh?

Partners 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I do hope you meant partners and not parents!

If you’d had an STD though wouldn’t that have come up when the damage was found? I know people who had this due to chlamydia but it didn’t just go away.
Either way OP I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through but I’d leave it; you can’t gaurantee getting any answers this way

Chlamidia doesn’t go away by itself.

I think maybe some counselling would be more likely to help you work through your feelings than reaching out to a long-ago ex. What you're trying to do is process a lot of challenging past experiences, and a trained, impartial and supportive person is much more likely to be able to help you do that than someone who you perceive as part of those difficult experiences.

I absolutely an not telling you what to feel, but in case it helps at all, I offer you my framing around my own infertility and donor-conceived child, which is that I feel the only way I got to the place on my life I am now, with the fab child I am lucky enough to parent, was by going through all the shit stuff. If I hadn't had the crappy experiences and miscarriages and so forth, then yes, I'd have a very different life - and it wouldn't have this one wonderful child in it.

It sounds possible that he had a std before you met. Him having cystitis sounds suspicious too, given it was a long distance relationship you can’t rule out he had a fling with someone else.

Or it could be something else that would always have happened.

You seem to be directing a lot of anger towards him about things you cannot change though. You both took risks having unprotected sex. It sounds like you (and probably him) didn’t get screened. So neither of you make the best choices. It’s not fair that you bore the brunt of the consequences (if this was the reason for your infertility) but life isn’t fair and for your sake you need to try to move on from things you can no longer change.

I don’t mean this in a judgy ‘well it was your fault too’ way but just that there is nothing to be gained from holding anger about it. I made some really stupid choices when younger - it’s part of growing up. I don’t blame younger me for anything they did that could have changed the life of older me - younger me lived their life and older me lives my life.

I realise I haven’t answered your question though. If you feel it will get closure then there’s nothing wrong with asking him if he gave you an STD. However it might not be the magic ticket to closure… he might lie, he might not know, he might tell the truth and you don’t know if he’s lied. Id process that a bit before you ask him. As long as you can handle that then there’s nothing wrong with asking.

Oh op I’m so sorry to read of your struggles and congrats on your children.

do you think asking him will give you anything OP? I don’t think there’s any point in asking because a. He’s unlikely to know (long time ago and unlikely he’s been tested) and b. It’s not going to change anything now anyway.

I can understand you are looking for answers but I don't think you'll get them from your ex. You say it was odd he congratulated you on the birth of your DC and that maybe he'd been wondering if you had issues - sorry to be blunt but I can't imagine that he has given it a seconds thought. Even if he had chlamydia (and you have no evidence of this) then he may not have realised. The UTI / antibiotics may have been for this and if so he was wrong not to tell you but you should have asked more questions. But we've all been there, young / not confident enough to query but I think you need to look forward.

You have wonderful DC and your energy will be better spent on them rather than trying to get answers that won't change anything. As others have said maybe some counselling to help you process things. Don't let these feelings eat you up.

I am confused to - cystitis is a urine infection - some women seem prone to it - I think you need to let this go. Also - your tube issue 'could' have been down to a silent uti? It could have been down to mild endometriosis too - it could have been down to a birth defect...who knows I really think you have your lovely babies so put this in the past.

But if hed have given you an STD you would still have it wouldn't you? So it makes no sense to blame him. Cystitis is really common after sex and is not an STD

@spermysperm

I’m so sorry - I didn’t want to worry you. When the doctor told me it was ‘most likely caused by’ - but her manner was very much : this is the state of play, this is what needs to happen next.

I did get there, and the struggle I went through to have children sometimes seems lost in the mists of time - sometimes it comes to the forefront of my mind again. Which is why I posted.

I can remember the pain of seeing him having his children while I was struggling. It seemed so unfair. Perhaps being friends on SM wasn’t a good idea.

The poster who said - whatever the struggle, that struggle has got me to this point with my beautiful children. And I would never, ever change that.

I will never know, but I did wonder - if he ever messaged - whether I could state that I had lots of struggles and it was I hard journey. He must have known as I was 46 when I had my second child.

From my experience. I know I will pass on to DD that message and my knowledge : to always be careful. I do think I was very naive.

And @spermysperm - both my tubes were damaged. So you’ll hopefully be ok if it’s one. But your doctor is best placed to advise.

I do think proactively moving forward with the knowledge is better than dwelling on what caused the issue.