Should I ask if he gave me an STD? Infertility.

[Rogdog]

Many years ago, my first boyfriend - fairly soon after we first slept together I got cystitis. I put it down to him being ‘big’ - but went through a few years of having cystitis off and on. I treated it with Cymalon. He’d only slept with one person before me - but it was someone he met as a one night stand and unprotected. This happened about a year prior to sleeping with me. He had no symptoms at the time or cause for concern.

It was a long distance relationship, lasted 7 years and we split up. I remember about 4 years into the relationship him mentioned a burning sensation when weeing. He wondered if I’d passed on my cystitis to him. He didn’t mention it again.

I then started a new relationship. We tried for children and after an investigation I was told that my tubes were damaged and I needed IVF. The likely cause was a silent STD.

I went through several emotionally traumatic years of failed IVF - but now have 2 beautiful children. One conceived in my late forties via an egg donor.

It has bothered me for years. Did I have an STD? Another potential reason could have been a genetic issue? I can remember looking at a the image - it looked ‘odd’ - one very long tube on one side, and much shorter on the other. My uterus didn’t look ‘straight’.

My ex is still friends on me on FB. He has very, very occasionally messaged e.g. - to say congrats when I had children. He has 3 children of his own. I always wondered if he knew something and didn’t tell me? Especially when he mentioned that he had cystitis too. I feel like I’ve - unfairly had to carry the burden of it all. My instinct has always been to leave it - we are both ok now. But it’s a huge question, it caused me a lot of trauma - and I feel like I need closure.

Or - do you think - from what I’ve written - I probably did get an STD from him? Could he have known and not told me? We lived in different countries - so he may have been cheating on me. I was pretty young and naive - at no point did I think the cystitis was an STD. It always came on after sex - so I thought it was due to his size.

Honestly, it doesn't sound as if talking to him is likely to bring you any resolution. You don't know for sure that your troubles were caused by an STD, you don't know that he had one and, even if he did, you don't know that he was withholding any information from you- it sounds as if neither of you was very clued up about STDs and there's nothing in your post that suggests he gave you one (cystitis is not an STD). I think raising this stuff with your ex now is really unlikely to bring you any closure- he's not going to say "ah yes, I had chlamydia all along, should have mentioned it"- more likely he will just be very confused and defensive and you'll end up feeling worse.

If you're struggling with what you went through to have your DC, it might be better to talk to a therapist.

@HareintheBluebells

Cystitis is a symptom of Chlamydia. I assumed it was just an UTI as I had no other symptoms. And it was mainly only brought on by sex. But it was severe - to the point that I’d frequently wet myself, and had pain in my back.

But yes - agree that it won’t bring a resolution. And there is nothing really to be gained.

I have had multiple bouts of cystitis and all sorts of investigations. There's no other infection there. I had no trouble having children. So sometimes cystitis is just that.

But you said you had a chlamydia test and it was negative, so it couldnt be that. It honestly sounds like you are looking to blame him instead of coming to terms with what you went through in your fertility struggle. It's holding you back. Asking him if he gave you sn STI would open a huge can of worms surely. I can't see anything positive coming from that

I think there is zero benefit to be gained from speaking to him about this. You’re seeking someone to blame for the shit situation you found yourself in. But you’re no longer in that situation, you have your DC. That doesn’t make the previous pain go away but it’s not something that can be “fixed” because no one can go back in time. You should seek actual closure, this isn’t it.

Sounds to me like it was just cystitis- common, often recurring and some prone to it, and it’s common early on ( hence referred to as honeymoon disease!)

if youhad chlamydia and weren’t treated you would still have it. If you were tested / investigated when trying for a baby and were negative, then you didn’t have it

sounds like you’re blaming him for something that didn’t happen.

let go

I used to get recurrent cystitis in my late teens when I had my first boyfriend.

I was on the pill, in hindsight condoms would have been much safer, but I was very naive.

It's been a long time since I've had actual cystitis but I do have a sensitive bladder and have never really found out the cause.

Have had 3 children with no issues though; sometimes cystitis is just cystitis.

I think the fact that he has been your only other sexual partner is causing you to focus on him. As other posters have said though, I don't think you will get anywhere by asking him.

You've got your lovely children. Maybe visit your local sexual health clinic for a check up and to put your mind at rest, but I think you will just have to put this ex out of your mind, I don't think you will be able to know anything definitively.

As an aside, it's very bleak to read on here of so many women (the Op, I think it was @spermysperm, and also myself) who go through so much discomfort from sex. Recurrent cystitis, possible infertility issues, the OP wetting herself and having back pain. I know it's biology and it's just the way it is, but there is something very shit about it. Men stick their appendage in someone and that's it. Women have someone roughly jabbing at their insides and causing them all sorts of pain, discomfort and bladder issues.

I guess I'm just being miserable because I have become very disillusioned about sex (having 3 young kids doesn't help) and personally wouldn't care if I never had it again

@derbylass81 - your post is very poignant. It does sound as if your partner is very careless of your needs.

I suppose the real question would be what difference would it make now that you've already 'lived' it? It's not really going to change anything.

With Chlamydia clearing up be itself - it was several years after my symptoms that I was finally tested. When I had fertility issues.

From what I’ve read - it can clear up by itself in a certain percentage of cases. And I’m wondering if after several years it did. Or I may have had a course of anti biotics for another issue, and that cleared it up. I can’t recall having anti biotics though…

It’s just that it caused so much bloody heartache and shit in my life. But I will - I’ll let it go. It was just so unfair that - if I had it - he could have been the only source. And I got all consequences. And he’s completely oblivious.