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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've had enough!

30 replies

Chickenleggs · 10/03/2023 20:22

Me and DH have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have two DC aged 11 and 6 and for the most part have had a good relationship although when I think back it hasn't all been smooth sailing.

My DH has always been very sensitive and needy but it's definitely getting worse and I'm now at breaking point with our relationship and just above ready to throw in the towel.

He's always had an issue with anyone I talk to and says that everyone fancies me (even women) but I'm literally nothing special to look at and very overweight for my height.

If I ever smile at anyone (again could be a woman) in a friendly way then he accuses me of flirting and is happy to cause a big scene about it if we are out in public with our kids which is just really embarrassing and upsetting as he doesn't know when to stop going on and will drag it on for hours and potentially days!

I work full time and have a demanding role but he says I'm never home and not around for the kids even though I literally race home from work to spend time with everyone and take them to their various activities. I only have a few friends and will go out to the gym or for a meal with one of them once a week but he has started using it against me and says I'm out "all the time, spending all our hard earned money" which is making me withdraw from friendships as I'm now starting to feel like I'm not allowed or shouldn't go out because he doesn't like it plus I'm scared to deal with the backlash of it all.

He will get up in a mood and find something to argue about, and most of the time it's because he says I don't want to spend anytime with him when I'm literally sat holding his hand, talking and watching TV with him every single night. He also thinks sex once a week is not enough and I should be doing bits in between to keep him happy and fulfilled - I have a very low sex drive and always have but comments like this puts me off even more.

He shouts quite regularly and insults me in front of the children by saying that I fancy everyone, I'm an attention seeker, I'm selfish, he doesn't get the affection he needs often enough, I'm only interested in my friends (again only see them once a week and not consistently and very rarely text them on a day to day basis), I'm a lazy arse and anything else you could basically think of.

The most recent issue is that he's started finding problems with the way that I dress. He doesn't like anything I wear to work which is usually a dress with tights especially as it's winter but he said they're all really short (they go to my knees) and that I just want to wear them because if I slightly bend over they show my arse off - I literally have tights on and I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing than my bum being out at work. If I have anything with a slight low cut in it then he says I just want people to see my breasts so that they'll fancy me more.

There's just so much more to it but the post is quite long already so I'm going to stop here. I actually don't think I need any advice as I now just need to build up the strength to make a decision about what's best but I knew writing it all down would give me some relief and perspective as I'm just so emotionally drained.

If you manage to get through it all then thanks for reading 😀

OP posts:
Ndd135632 · 10/03/2023 20:28

It’s horrendous OP. Reading down your thread it just gets worse and worse. How dare he!!! I would be out of there LIKE A SHOT.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/03/2023 20:32

All of that is horrendous behaviour, are you leaving him?

category12 · 10/03/2023 20:36

Sounds like coercive control.

I'd recommend you start planning your exit from the relationship.

category12 · 10/03/2023 20:37

He's not sensitive and needy, he's paranoid and controlling.

Isheabastard · 10/03/2023 20:39

You poor thing!

My husband used to give me ‘talks’ that were sincerely for my own benefit.

He didn’t like the way I dressed (I should glam myself up), I should colour my hair (I’ve let it go grey), didn’t think I did enough exercise or eat healthy enough. That was enough, but if I’d been accused of always flirting that would have done my head.

Assuming you’ve told him time and time again his behaviour is wrong and he doesn’t agree with you, then I guess the only option is to leave.

You say he is needy so he could have some kind of mental problem, but even then he should be taking responsibility for his problem, not you.

Take your time if can. Sort out the paperwork and keep a diary so you can keep a note of what he says.

I plucked the courage to leave by asking for relationship counselling. He refused so that made it easy for me to leave.

Best of luck, it’s a lonely time.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 10/03/2023 20:40

Have either of you ever cheated? Where's the paranoia coming from?

Badger1970 · 10/03/2023 20:43

His insecurities aren't your burdens to carry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2023 20:52

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This relationship is over because of his overt controlling of you.

I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid and a local firm of solicitors asap in order to start divorce proceedings. There is no good future for you, or for that matter your children, within this marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2023 20:56

He has systematically ramped up the level of abuse against you over the years and this is all on him. None of this is your fault and you did not drive him to treat you all like this.

Abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. You have been the boiling frog here.

Read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your husband is in these pages.

Original poster
Chickenleggs · 10/03/2023 20:59

Thanks so much for all your support, I really do appreciate it.

Neither of us have ever cheated but a guy from work text me at 11pm at night once to say thank you for a piece of work I'd helped him with. DH didn't like it at all felt the message from the guy was flirty and now has trust issues that I'm flirting with everyone at work and will most likely will cheat with someone in the near future which just adds another problem into the mix.

He actually called the guy that messaged me a "C U Next Tuesday" when we walked past him outside my work once but luckily he was on his phone so I don't think he heard it - well I've got my fingers crossed he didn't and luckily he's never mentioned it!

We've had so so many conversations about his behaviour and says that he will make improvements and will control his outbursts but I suppose you can't help how your wired up and it's almost impossible for him not to react even when I've done absolutely nothing wrong.

He is very paranoid and I've noticed that this is actually a trend with the male side of his family, in particular his dad and brother.

I'm trying to build up the strength to leave, and it would be me who has to remove myself from our house as unfortunately for DH his family aren't very caring. I genuinely wouldn't want to see him out on his own but just need to work out where I would go as I really don't like my family being too involved in my personal issues as they're all quite difficult characters so would need to work out where I could stay for a short while until I have a long term solution.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 10/03/2023 21:02

So you say I love you as our children's sad but I can't live like this anymore.

Let's work out how to go from here.

frozendaisy · 10/03/2023 21:02

Dad not sad.

Bluesandwhites · 10/03/2023 21:02

@Chickenleggs

OP, he is completely out of order, it's textbook coercive control, to the extent that he is keeping you from your friends, who you only see once a week ! Next time he starts on his rants, which sounds very often, I would put voice recorder on your phone so you have evidence. What a ^*%$, the last thing you need when you come home from work is to hear his whining and ranting. Mumsnet is well known for advice to "Leave the Bastard" but in your case it is justified.

category12 · 10/03/2023 21:04

DH didn't like it at all felt the message from the guy was flirty and now has trust issues

No, he saw an excuse to weaponise something innocent, minor and not your fault to escalate his control of you.

LadyFlumpalot · 10/03/2023 21:05

Do you think he could be cheating on you? Sometimes, when a partner suddenly turns accusatory, it's because they are doing the things they accuse you of and either want the validation or genuinely believe you are doing it because they are.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 10/03/2023 21:05

He isn't needy OP, he's abusive, emotionally and sexually abusive

category12 · 10/03/2023 21:07

it would be me who has to remove myself from our house as unfortunately for DH his family aren't very caring. I genuinely wouldn't want to see him out on his own

What about the best interests of your children here? Why does poor sad dysfunctional (controlling, possessive, abusive) daddy get to sit in the family home while his wife and children have to find somewhere else?

OP, he's not a victim. He's the abuser.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2023 21:08

Nevermind why you are choosing to live this way, why are you allowing your children to live in such a toxic, abusive environment?

pilates · 10/03/2023 21:09

He sounds awful and to say those awful things in front of your children would be a deal breaker for me 😞

Mumsanetta · 10/03/2023 21:35

“…and for the most part have had a good relationship…”

There is absolutely no sense of that in your OP and I’m struggling to think what he could possibly be doing to re-dress the horrific way he treats him.

Leave him and do not turn back. Teach your children that his behaviour is unacceptable and no way to treat the person you love. LTB.

Mumsanetta · 10/03/2023 21:39

I'm trying to build up the strength to leave, and it would be me who has to remove myself from our house as unfortunately for DH his family aren't very caring. I genuinely wouldn't want to see him out on his own

Your DH’s abuse has warped your priorities. Read your OP again and then ask yourself if he deserves the care that you are giving him at the expense of your children. You say that the male members of his family are just like him, well history has a habit of repeating itself and if you have sons they will be like him and if you have daughters they will be like you and put up with someone like him. Please aim for better for yourself.

Quitelikeit · 10/03/2023 21:46

And your son will be exactly the same if you don’t get him away from this relationship model

he seems the type to ask your kids lots of questions too

I think he needs meds for his paranoia tbh have you looked at paranoid schizophrenia?

sealon82 · 10/03/2023 21:56

LadyFlumpalot · 10/03/2023 21:05

Do you think he could be cheating on you? Sometimes, when a partner suddenly turns accusatory, it's because they are doing the things they accuse you of and either want the validation or genuinely believe you are doing it because they are.

I just read this post to my husband and that's what he said.
I'm sorry if that's the case but whatever the reason he's behaviour is unacceptable. Have you got support from friends/family?

Ndd135632 · 10/03/2023 22:31

OP I presume you will be the one with the kids. Why on earth then are you moving out of the family home. You stay in the family home with the kids and you move out. Stop feeling sorry for this man. He is abusing you.

Ndd135632 · 10/03/2023 22:31

*he moves out