Is this undermining?

[Remmy123]

Ongoing issues with my DH who thinks I undermine him, for context he shouts a lot and lectures to the children over low level teen behaviour. even though I have asked the shouting stops.

7.15am teenager leaving for school at 7.30am. Teenager says he isn't hungry too early to eat. DH starts shouting saying 'go and eat your breakfast right now' snatches phone off teen (who was ready for school etc)

I say 'don't worry he can Get a coissant at school as canteen is open early'

DH said I undermined him - I said about the canteen as wasnt sure DH knew it was open.

DH is furious with me.

did I undermine him? I feel like I am going mad as this is happening so much but feel shouting at someone to eat breakfast that early is ridiculous.

thanks

Well from your DH’s point of view I suppose he could think you are undermining him, but that would only be true if you had both agreed beforehand that disciplining teenagers works best by shouting at them.

But to be honest his parenting style is shit if shouting is his go to.

You could try owning it and say yes, and I’ll continue to do it if you over react to everything.

Obviously it’s nice when your parenting styles match. Perhaps you can find some books or online articles about parenting teens and how to pick your battles with them. If he’s not a complete dick, he might even read them and agree your way is better.

Thank you we are having marriage counselling next week as this happens so much. his approach is to shout and I've asked that he doesn't.

he also told teen to shut up last night and I was unable to say anything about it

Why does your husband treat your kids like they're idiots? A teen knows if they are hungry, and they know where the kitchen is. He's treating them like a toddler and making himself look like a tit.

he also told teen to shut up last night and I was unable to say anything about it

Basically, he's an abusive dickhead. Your poor kids.

You weren't undermining him, you were trying to placate and resolve by offering a reasonable solution to your husband's apparent issue.

The previous posters are right that your husband's approach to dealing with your teens is really poor, as is his attitude towards you.

There's no need to argue over whether a teen eats breakfast. If they don't eat then they'll be hungry later, it's no big deal and not worth a row and snatching phones away etc etc.

@Aquamarine1029 yep exactly that!!

i asked the following day why that was undermining and he called me 'simple' because I didn't get it - he hasn't spoken to me since.

pleaee god let this marriage counsellor help

he said the kids don't respect him and it's my fault - I said it's because he shouts so much at them - he just isn't getting it.

It it not recommended to go to counselling with an abusive partner, op. Perhaps you just need to admit that your marriage should end.

@RoseslnTheHospital thanks

i am glad I made this post feel like I'm going round the twist

another incident

7.15am teen eating breakfast whilst watching Tik Tok - DH says 'what gcse options are you taking' teen half asleep not really listening (teen also has adhd) DH starts shouting again I said 'fyi he has option evening at school where we go with him to speak to teachers and decide what he wants to do' - he said I undermined him and he didn't speak to me for a few days.

teen storms off and said to DH he will answer him when he speaks to him without shouting. We are all fed up with it!

Your teen sounds reasonable and rational, unlike your husband! Your response was, again, totally reasonable - offering more information to placate him.

Do you think your marriage counselling could start with separate sessions for you and him, so you can talk about his aggressive ways, name calling, silent treatment etc etc?

Your husband is emotionally violent. The first time I heard that phrase was from my grandmother, describing her own father. He would ignore and stonewall, just like your husband, shout, call his wife stupid, simple, etc, generally make everything so miserable that everyone in the house was constantly on eggshells and doubting their own sanity because he would gaslight them into believing everything, including his behaviour, was their fault.

Stop living like this, and stop forcing your kids to live like this. Fuck the therapist, you need a solicitor.

@RoseslnTheHospital i did think that but how do I say 'you need to go on your own because I think you are aggressive and verbally abusive' he said he hasn't done anything wrong ffs

I think id say that I wanted to go alone for at least one session, rather than focus on wanting him to go for a separate session. It would be impossible to make him go on his own if he doesn't want to. So concentrate on what you can do. Maybe rather than mention it to him, just contact the counsellor and ask if you can arrange a session that's just for you and explain briefly why.

Is he actually shouting in these instances (rather than speaking firmly)? If so, that truly is horrendous and no wonder no one respects him - what an awful way to communicate.

He asked once 'come and have your breakfast' then son said not hungry then he starts shouting.

it makes me very anxious because my own dad did this to my mum and its like history repeating myself.

@RoseslnTheHospital thsnk you that sounds like the best approach

The fact that he is more worried about being undermined than his children’s mental health being shouted at all the time says it all for me. If it were me I would leave, trust me when I say you and the kids will be so much more relaxed and happy without some one shouting all the time

Why is he forcing a teenager to eat breakfast. My DD age 15 never eats it, she takes a brioche for break and eats then.

He needs to pick his battles I'm afraid!

Thanks for the responses.

the forcing to eat breakfast was ridiculous, that about two weeks ago and he is still going on about it now

I go to work at 7.30, have never eaten breakfast beforehand as I feel its too early, so I'm with your DS on that. No point forcing it. As a teen you're doing well to get him up at that time.
Maybe substitute, your undermining him with ' I feel stupid because I've been shown to be behaving stupid' , and his defence reaction is to go on the offensive and chuck it back at you claiming you're undermining. Really, it all starts with him being unreasonable and opening his mouth without thinking. Your examples seem to be around the morning I note - is he mostly grumpy in the mornings or bad any time of day?

@Opentooffers thank you

no it also happens in the evening too those were just two examples I used as they happened in one week and I've had the silent treatment since.

i even said sorry just to stop the atmosphere knowing full well i shouldn't and he said 'well dont undermine me again'

I said dont tell me to shut up etc he says 'it's born out if frustration' so totally justifying his actions.

im fuming just reading this back and how awful it sounds

Please get out of this. Me and my siblings still have trauma from a very shouty dad and we’re seeing therapists about it in our late 30s/40s. You may have subconsciously normalised it as you grew up in that atmosphere too

You don't need counselling, you need a divorce. Your husband doesn't respect you and he doesn't respect his children. Mine was like this when my two hit the teen years, he couldn't handle the fact that they had opinions, made choices and disagreed with him on things. He also had an alcohol problem. It didn't end well.

I suspect that when you split, your teens will vote with their feet and your then ex will wonder why they don't want to see him...

A marriage counsellor isn't going to cure your husband of being an abusive prick who speaks to his wife & kids like shit.

Counselling isn't a magic bullet.
There is no form of words that another human can formulate which will stop your husband being a domestic tyrant.
What do you think is going to happen - the counsellor asks your husband to stop being an unreasonable bully, & he suddenly sees the light & complies?

I'm sorry for how harsh this is coming across, but want you to know that couples counselling is NEVER recommended by professionals when abuse is present in the relationship. The abusive party only uses the sessions to manipulate further: he will manipulate the counsellor if he can get away with it, & he will use anything you say in the sessions against you.

The way he speaks to your children & you is obscene. I suspect you have been living with it for so long that you can no longer see how damaging & cruel it is.
You'd be better off putting the counselling money aside to spend on getting an accurate picture of how assets are likely to be split, with a good divorce lawyer.

DH said I undermined him

"Good, & I will continue to do so every time you bully my children. One of us has to be sticking up for them."

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu thank you and I get what you are saying, I am going to see what happens on Monday with our first session before throwing the towel in

I’d call this supporting your teen over a ridiculous request. If he’s going to get so upset over something so innocuous, goodness knows what he’ll do over something really big with the teen.
I guess he’s always been controlling. Now his teen is almost at an age where they can no longer be ordered what to do, he can’t bear losing the authority.
I hope he has other redeeming features OP as he really doesn’t sound attractive.