Is this undermining?

[Remmy123]

Ongoing issues with my DH who thinks I undermine him, for context he shouts a lot and lectures to the children over low level teen behaviour. even though I have asked the shouting stops.

7.15am teenager leaving for school at 7.30am. Teenager says he isn't hungry too early to eat. DH starts shouting saying 'go and eat your breakfast right now' snatches phone off teen (who was ready for school etc)

I say 'don't worry he can Get a coissant at school as canteen is open early'

DH said I undermined him - I said about the canteen as wasnt sure DH knew it was open.

DH is furious with me.

did I undermine him? I feel like I am going mad as this is happening so much but feel shouting at someone to eat breakfast that early is ridiculous.

thanks

I'd tell him that yes you are undermining him, as his behaviour is appalling, unintelligent and very damaging to your children. It's behaviour that NEEDS undermining.

Please don't apologise to him. It just reinforces in his head that he's right.

He is abusive. To you and your children. I'd go for that counselling on your own, tell them about your relationship and work through what you need to do to leave this awful man.

@DemelzaandRoss well yep I mean by all means shout if your kid does something really really awful but not normal stuff!

I hope me saying out loud what he is like in a situation where he cannot walk off (he usually walks off when I try and talk to him about this) might help and the penny may drop

he is going to sound like such an a hole when we have this counselling

@perfectcolourfound thank you - yep silly to apologise what a mug

@Remmy123 Good luck with the Counselling. Let’s hope it doesn’t make him more angry being criticised!!

I would say to him, if we split up, do you think our son will want to see you? He needs an absolute shock, your husband does.

You sound scared of him and as if you are walking on eggshells. All signs of living with an abuser. I lived wit h a guy like this up until at year and half ago. My daughter tells me now that she used to tell herself ‘only 4 more years until I can go’ as she was 14 at the time. I regret putting her through that so much

There’s a really good book called ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men - by Lundy Bancroft - it was recommended by someone on here.