Frustrated over household bills advise please

[tabbyw1976]

Feeling rather frustrated about household bills so after advice or tips or how other people work there bills if okay please .

I live with my partner( engaged) for five years and my 21 year old son he works..

My partner and I both work full time and earn same wage and get it same day each month.

My son pays us rent of £200 month.

He only home about twice a week as stays at his girlfriends rest of week ..

We have our own accounts for our wages to go into and spending then a joint account for household bills .literally everything covered..bills, food , rent, etc etc 50/50

We split all bills by half both pay in £600 each into joint account..have been for a while now ...

But with rise in bills we both need to pay extra into this joint account to afford bills now on.....so example £700..I just started my share of £700 this month but my partner won't , he feels he puts in enough!! £600 is acceptable in his mind!!

I try to explain bills going up but he has no interest , won't talk bills, don't understand bills in general ..

We use my son's rent money half to pay off a family debt of £100 ( as they helped us out in lockdown so came to agreement to pay them off monthly) then my partner says the other £100 pays for his short fall ...of £100 that's required...

Does that make sense,?

I put in £700

He puts in £600

But I feels that not fair!! Am I wrong in feeling this...

In the joint account we only have £200 a month for food..I am finding out it hard to make that stretch full month so usually end up finding extra money out my own account for food as I can't make £200 last...I usually do a food shop for £100 as time pay day comes round cupboards, fridge, freezer empty so fill them best I can on £100 , not actually full!! But you understand ...then save the other £100 as £25 week...to get us threw the month

When I say I have £200 for food for month he's like that's way too much , cupboards should be full etc etc why aren't they full!!

As I got to take extra out of my own account there isn't much left after I got car to pay for , child maintenance payments as my son lives with his dad and personal loan etc etc ..all before I met him...

Where as he has his car to pay for and his own credit card ..

I am finding it hard to comprehend all this..

Is this fair, am I missing something, better way of food shopping ..weekly instead of one big shop?

It's stressing me out a lot .to point he won't talk bills!!!

Regarding only have 200 for food. What's best weekly shop Or monthly ?!

Going forwards with it all what shall I do ..he won't talk bills and ends in arguments when I ask for more in the joint account..

Help😪

If he "doesn't understand bills" then he needs to grow the fuck up. He can either leave it all to you and pay whatever you ask, or he can bloody work it out himself and do all the food shopping.

Of course there's nothing unfair about what you're asking. If he really thought there was, then he'd sit down and look at the bills and show why it's wrong. He keeps insisting you don't need to spend 'that much' on food because it's easy to make you doubt yourself (it's not a fixed amount, it's personal choice what to buy). You're already asking if you could do the shopping better. Yet if he really believed that you were doing a shit job, he'd come with you or do it himself. He's a manipulative sponge and the best way to deal with him would be showing him the door.

Shopping weekly or monthly won’t make a difference. If the food you need to feed you both costs over £200 it won’t matter of you pay that in one go monthly or 4 lots of £50. He needs to pay more.

You’re a doormat.

Why is it up to you to find extra money for food? Why is it you that do the food shopping? Why do you do that? Leave it to him to sort out.

And don’t put the extra £100 in either, if you can’t pay a bill let him come up with a solution. And that does not include your son paying more.

He sounds like a thick idiot, why are you even with him.

I just read your previous post. So, your council tenants and he won’t even put you on the tenancy? But you’re paying extra on bills?

For fuck’s sake, OP. Wake up.

It's not you, it's him. I have almost exactly the same setup with my partner, when I ask him to increase his monthly contribution into our joint account, he does it without question.

I doubt he has any intention whatsoever of marrying you. And you do not need a big do either.

He sees you as basically someone to look after him. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by past poor relationship experiences, have and are being further eroded by this man now.

The fact he is named on the tenancy agreement whilst you are not is concerning too.

So I told my 19 year old son he had to start paying rent. He had a moan about having mates who stay with parents for free. I said, that's fine, either pay it or I stop buying your food and you can buy your own - suits me, less shopping effort. He soon changed his tune when I pointed out that the rent is less than food would be for a month - which I'd estimate is more than £200/ month for him alone.
As you earn the same, and your son is your responsibility, not his, he perhaps has a fair point about not paying for him and so could put a bit less than you in on account of that. However, sounds like you both need to put more into the pot, or make it easier, the port no longer covers food and you each buy your own.
Why are you buying his food at all anyway? Next you'll say you do all the housework too.

The fact that it's his tenancy not yours could work in your favour because presumably all bills are in his name. So say OK let's carry on putting 600 each into the joint account and let the bills come out of that. And he can do the food shopping and meal planning out of that budget too if he thinks it's so easy. (If you want to be fair say you'll do 50% of the actual cooking though. ) Then sit back and see how he likes them apples.

Above all stop thinking this is your problem to solve. He thinks food should cost less than £200. Not your problem. Moans when the cupboards are bare. Not your problem. Moans there is nothing for him to take to work for lunch. Not your problem. He's in charge of food shopping now remember.

Gosh he sounds really stupid are you happy to live like this?

Me and dh married for ever, joint everything. He could not get his head around £400 plus a month food shop.
I made him do it. Wasn't allowed to include what we already had. Food for a week using a menu plan. He came back a different man!
I think it's fair to split bills 50/50 but I do think your sons contribution has to go into that same pot.

OK. Here is the worst case scenario.

Mortgage or rent is 1400
Month 1. You pay 600 (because that's your half); he pays 600. You are 200 in arrears.
Month 2. Repeat. You are now 400 in arrears
Month 3 . Repeat. Landlord or mortgage company start debt collection/eviction proceedings. You are 600 in arrears
Month 4. Repeat. You are 800 in arrears. Eviction proceedings are well under way
Month 5. You're homeless.

He needs this explaining to him

It sounds like if you both put £600 into the account there is no budget for food? Tell him that's fine and you can do alternate weekly shops his turn first. A list and a meal plan. £50 a week for say 48 meals plus snacks/ cleaning stuff is tight though I'd suggest you do a trial shop and figure out what is reasonable.

He sounds so petty. It must be exhausting. He can't refuse to pay his share because the price of things has gone up!

You'd be a fool to marry him.

And since he's so obstinate and gives no shits, you really should reconsider the entire relationship.

OP you’re getting stressed out by trying to make a square fit into a triangle. It’s simple, the bills have gone up and therefore your contributions have to as well, that means both of you.

Don't rely on your son’s contribution to cover either of your share, he’s barely there and so £200 a month is generous. He will likely move out completely soon and then how are you going to manage?

You have 2 choices, you either match what he pays so only put £500 towards the bills and then let the debt mount up so he has no choice but to address it, or you put £600 in to the account each and don’t buy much food with your own money.
My DH used to think I was being wasteful or exaggerating how much shopping was costing (and it was more out of my pocket), eventually I stopped doing the full weekly shops and started buying one week then making him buy the next week, and if he didn’t and there was nothing in for tea I just shrugged and he had to go shopping. I hated it, I felt petty, but his habits soon changed. Now we both do the shopping and take the financial hit. He wasn’t purposely being an idiot he was just in ignorant bliss.

It’s easy to ignore things when someone else is always taking the burden, so you need to stop it. Why should you feel stressed trying to manage everything when there’s two of you in the situation?

In terms of shopping, I personally find a full weekly shop is best. When I did a fortnightly or monthly shop we went through things too quickly, and if I do frequent shops I find I spend more than necessary on each visit.
Depending on where you shop it might be worth trying a cheaper supermarket, or shopping around to get things when they are on offer